Young Writers Society

Scene 2

The apartment of BARBARO and JAM. BARBARO (37 y/o male, fat, bearded) opens mail envelopes on the living-room's table. JAM (38 y/o male, chubby, average height) comes in.

JAM

Hello.

BARBARO

I don't understand you, Jam, what are you doing out there all day? I can say you are chubby, maybe positive-minded, indeed annoying, needy, digging, polite, single, poor, lacking any fashion sense, maybe a little loyal, obedient, crazy, monkey and unemployed. But in the end the description is reduced to "monkey and unemployed." So what the hell is an unemployed monkey doing outside all the time?

JAM

I'm fine, Barbaro, thank you for your interest. And how are you?

BARBARO

A form has arrived to you in the mail.

JAM

What kind of form in the mail?

Pause. Barbaro hands Jam the envelope, but Jam doesn't take it.

JAM

What is its name?

Pause. BARBARO looks at JAM impatiently.

JAM

How about 'John'?

Pause. BARBARO sighs frustrated.

JAM

So, if the mail form's name is John, is it a male - mail form?

BARBARO

Just take the envelope!

JAM takes the envelope.

JAM

[Reads from the form:] Find a field of practice that suits you according to your hobbies, features and directions of life with the help of a questionnaire that includes detailed instructions, and at the end you will find your new job! [To BARBARO:] This is the title. Sounds great to me, I wanted to try such a questionnaire for a long time! I have not been able to stop thinking about the idea since I started reading the title. I assume The Department of Employment sent it to me. Let's see what it is about, what do we have to lose?

BARBARO

I feel like you think I'm part of this.

JAM

Barbaro, Barbaro... Okay, first question. On a scale of one to seventeen, do you think you can easily fix problems? Well, let's see... Yesterday I fixed in a few minutes the air conditioner of the neighbors from the top floor that dripped water on us. And the day before, I unclogged the plunge in the toilet caused by that chewing gum you ate, without too much fuss. So in a rating of one to seventeen regarding easily fixing problems, I would say ... fifteen, right? Or fourteen? Fourteen, I'm writing. Next question... Do you like watching any mystery TV series? I'm not sure... Mystery TV series... Is "Dora The Explorer" considered as a mystery TV series?

JAM laughs out loud and turns to BARBARO expecting him to laugh too, but finds that BARBARO is no longer there and stifles the laughter.

JAM

I guess not too much. Here and there. There and here. And over the rainbow. And around the cloud. And behind the mountains. And under the couch. And in the rivers. Between the grooves in the sidewalk. Okay, another question. What is the most preferred type of cat for a family with three children?

Pause.

JAM

A British cat, no doubt, a British cat. Question number four...

JAM sits down and starts talking quietly to himself. Every few seconds he gets up and goes from place to place in the room, as if what is happening is in fast motion, and every several positions, he speaks loudly.

JAM

Do you get along in relationships with humans? Do other people like you? Hmm... I guess there's only one way to know. Barbaro!

BARBARO

[OFF SCREEN:] What?!

JAM

As a human being to a human being, would you say you like me?

BARBARO

[OFF SCREEN:] No! Not at all!

Pause.

JAM

And here's my answer!

JAM continues to move from place to place until he stops and talks out loud.

JAM

What would you rather - change your name to "Olga", or climb to the top of a tree for five days in order to bring seeds to baby chickens? Not a simple question... but I'm going with Olga. Nice name.

JAM continues to move from place to place until he stops and talks out loud.

JAM

Are you versed in the field of movement in space? Hmm...

JAM begins to walk in space excessively, moving his arms and legs back and forth with a serious look.

JAM

If this is not movement in space, what is?

JAM continues to move from place to place until he stops and talks out loud.

JAM

Question number five thousand and thirty - which of the following would you define as the field that most attracts you to engage in? Law ... Justice ... Clothing ... Marketing ... Advertising ... Real Estate ... Firefighting ... Sewing ... Teaching ... Agency ... Detective work... Detective work... Detective Sounds interesting, detective.

JAM begins to go slowly and secretly from side to side in the room.

JAM

Encountering mysteries... Disguising undercover investigations... Getting the truth out of people... Arresting bad guys… Figure out... Things... Use my abilities of... Abilities of... My abilities... I think it's a field that attracts me to engage in. Isn't it?

Pause.

JAM

It is. detective. Detective it is.

JAM marks on the form with a pen.

JAM

Hey! The questionnaire is over! Now, using the number of points of the answer you chose in question number five thousand and thirty, check what your new job is! Okay... Detective - four hundred points. Four hundred points... Here, what's my new job? Detective! I knew it! I knew it was my profession! How wonderful! Detective…! Detective. Detective Jam... rolls on my tongue. Wow, what have I become... Mr. Confidence...! This profession is doing me good and I have not even started it yet! Well, I guess I'll go to work. And find myself a job.