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Scenes 3+4: Solving

by omer


Scene 3

A detectives Office. MS. CRIMES (an intimidating 45 y\o woman) is sitting in front of a central desk. JAM approaches her.

JAM

Hello!

MS. CRIMES looks at JAM and checks him.

MS. CRIMES

And what are you?

JAM

I'm a person who would love to work here, in your great office! My name is JAM.

MS. CRIMES

Jam, huh...? I can find you a short plumbing job, the toilet is clogged.

JAM

The truth is, ma'am, I was aiming for a different kind of work.

MS. CRIMES

Technician?

JAM

Neither. I'm looking for a job as a detective.

MS. CRIMES

You don't say... And why do you think you can work for me as a detective? Do you have any special abilities?

JAM

No.

MS. CRIMES

Potential?

JAM

No.

MS. CRIMES

A good memory?

JAM

No.

MS. CRIMES

Ability to discern small details?

JAM

No.

MS. CRIMES

Persuasiveness?

JAM

No.

MS. CRIMES

Detective jacket and pipe?

JAM

No.

MS. CRIMES

Willpower?

JAM

Yes! This is exactly what I have, willpower! Available in stock, in large quantities!

Pause.

MS. CRIMES

Listen. I'll give you a case of theft from the office supply store on the street corner. You'll solve it - you'll get in; you won't solve it - you won't get in. Is that clear?

JAM

Yes, for sure! Totally clear! Thank you very much, Ms...

MS. CRIMES

Crimes.

JAM

Crimes? Is that your last name?

MS. CRIMES

Yes. Solving Crimes.

JAM

Solving is the first name, I understand.

MS. CRIMES

Exactly.

JAM

Is that the birth name? Or did you change it?

MS. CRIMES

Birth name, and you will stop questioning me right now. Do you have a problem with my name, Mr. Jam?

JAM

No, not at all! It's just a bit amusing, that your parents called you a Solving Crimes and you grew up to be a detective.

MS. CRIMES

Well, what did you want me to do with that name, growing up to be a footballer?! A Kindergarten Teacher?! a singer?!

JAM

No, I didn't want anything! You are absolutely right! I think it's a fantastic-wonderful-heart-warming name!

MS. CRIMES

Here.

Mrs. Mystery hands JAM a briefcase.

MS. CRIMES

You have until the weekend.

MS. CRIMES expels JAM with her hand and goes back to work. JAM goes away.

Scene 4

JAM and BARBARO's apartment. JAM comes in with the briefcase in his hand. He sits down, opens it and reads it carefully.

JAM

Stealing money and products... Office supply store... Three employees... Manager... On Tuesday... Disappeared from the cash register... And three matchmakers... Fifty-three boxes of safety pins... Wheels of an office chair... at night... Security cameras weren't working...

BARBARO enters and JAM closes the case in a panic.

JAM

I'm on my way to get myself a job!

BARBARO

On your way?

JAM

Right on the trail!

BARBARO

A job?

JAM

Detective!

BARBARO

Detective?

JAM

You'll solve a case - you'll get in; you won't solve it - you won't get in!

BARBARO

A case?

JAM

Well, that's beyond the information I can share, dear Barbaro. Everything is on these pages, and this is a top secret investigation that I swore to keep secret and not expose to everyday conversations.

BARBARO

Swore?

JAM

In my heart.

BARBARO

Salary?

JAM

My share of the rent will be provided!

BARBARO

That's all I wanted to know. You should have started with that. Have you heard of Kapit?

JAM

Kapit?

BARBARO

The neighbor downstairs.

JAM

Have I heard?

BARBARO

What she did to her husband.

JAM

What did she?

BARBARO

Cheated!

JAM

Cheated?

BARBARO

With another man, for years! Mojito has never suspected.

JAM

Mojito?

BARBARO

Her husband.

JAM

Has never suspected?

BARBARO

Kapit has claimed Rodrigo is her masseur.

JAM

Rodrigo?

BARBARO

The other man in the affair! Kapit lied to Mojito for years.

JAM

Wow... Seriously?

BARBARO

For years.

JAM

Wow... Poor mojito... Believe me, lies are our all's arch nemesis.


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