Where were you?
when I needed you the most.
when the tears started to flow,
and my heart started to ache.
Where were you.....
when I needed someone to stick up for me,
when I neeed your touch...
when I needed a " it's going to be ok",
but what do I get
nothing .
but a cold empty space,
where are you?
- Ja'Lecia L.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi @oldsoul. I really liked this one. Why? Same situation. I can relate to this poem. And you know when the reader can relate to your poem, you build this strong connection to them. Therefore, the reader automatically loves your work... and that's just happened to me!
Anyway, I just have a few suggestions... In the line, "when I needed a " it's going to be ok", alright, I understand the way you wrote it... That powerful quotation effect. I always do that, too. But maybe in here, I think the line "when I needed the loving words; those loving words that it's going to be okay". I don't know, it just kind of sounds more dramatic to me, hehe. And oh, that "nothing . but a cold empty space," Maybe you should have repeated nothing again and so it would be like:
"but what do I get
nothing...
nothing but a cold, empty space"
But all in all, this is a very heart-felt poem and I liked it.
Thxz
Hey Oldsoul,
I said I'd have a look at your work so here I am
It's very good and conveys a lot of emotion. I won't repeat what everyone else has already said (grammar, etc). My suggestion is that, if you feel like it, you could go back and add a little more or just change certain things to add more description. It feels like the poem's over just as you start to get in touch with what you're sharing with us. Perhaps instead of writing "a cold empty space" (which seems a little clique) you could write "an icy void" or "my frozen hell". Something that would just take it that one step further.
I'm glad you could take a bad experience and turn it into something beautiful. Good work. Can't wait to read more of your work. Welcome to YWS by the way.
Keep writing!
I think this is such a powerful poem....Its sad and one can feel the broken heart and the pain for leaving someone alone when they need you the most in the difficult times.
).
Reminds me of Avril's song ''Losing grip".
Many can relate to this.Keep it up
Heya~
I totally understand the sentiments in this poem
You have some things in here that are not... typical, grammar wise, so if they were intentional, don't mind me, but perhaps they were typos.
First off, when you're writing ellipses, you typically only have three periods in a row, not five. If you have more than three, it can tend to look unprofessional. Also, you shouldn't leave a space after a quotation mark like you do here:
or a space after a period like after "nothing ."
Also, I think you should look over the rest of your punctuation. Sometimes punctuation is used creatively, but there are times when it just makes the poem look unprofessional. And I understand that you just wrote this on a whim, but when you edit it, you should take a hard look at your punctuation.
Other than that, this poem was pretty okay, but it was rather blah. Although I get where you're coming from, you didn't add anything new to this feeling of being let down. I've read slightly different variations of this poem many times. You need to bring something new to the mix. That's when people will start to really enjoy reading your poetry! And then they'll remember it too! You can bring something new to the poetry plate by adding in a lot of poetic devices like metaphors and similes and stuff (but use these sparingly and with care). Images help you the most, though, in my opinion. The closet thing you have here is "colt empty space," but that's a rather overused and cliche image, and doen't really add much to the poem, I think. I know you can do better!
Let me know if you have any questions!
Hello Oldsoul!
It's very short, but you managed to portray a feeling of loneliness and abandonment very well. One thing I would suggest is that put a question mark after get on the last stanza and capitalize the 'n' in nothing. Otherwise, it was well written and it flowed very easily. Very well done and good work on this! -IceWinifredd
Thxz
You're welcome.
Hey there! CaptainSaltWater here with a review!
I really liked this. My only problems were here:
Where were you.....
Instead I would use a comma instead of the periods. Like this.
Where were you,
Also in this line.
nothing .
Look how far out that period is. It should be right exactly after the g.
And at the end, there should be no signature. That is really just pointless. We all know who the author is, you. Otherwise, good job! I want to see more by you! Don't give up and always write!
-CaptainSaltWater
Happy review day!
Plzz read my other poem wait and see
Hey there Kat here to review for you and the Blues Clues Review team!
What a beautiful looking piece ! For it's length you really captured a lot of emotions, however I was longing for some description or a good literary device or two. Trust me, there are a ton of different literary devices aside from your common metaphors,similies, hyperboles ..... anaphora zeugma ..... But enough of that! I am sure that you know your punctuation errors so I won't bore you with that but you should go back and fix them. Other than that I could really connect with this poem in the fact that it seems like eve the best of friends leave when you need them most ...sometimes. I really can't decide if I would leave it this short or not but that is up to you . Wonderfully formatted <3 it's visual effect is nice and inviting!
Until next time
Kat
Thxz it was jus in the heat of the moment so I jus published it and didnt look or think of it