hunger
to turn tribulation productive
venturing towards self destructive.
aware of the reflection in absolute precision
despise what's been crafted in his vision.
Insecurity secured as problematic predicament
or overlooked and ignored as mediocre adolescent
Judged.
Subjected: mediocre adolescent
"Objection!" - overruled
She'll reverse her objection in defence of sanity,
"I claim this to be 16 years of insecurity"
Opposing response: "attention seeking vanity"
"I protest!"
"Indesicive."
"Out of control, I cannot control these echoes"
"Out of control? By choice, child. Control your mentality."
"A wish wasted, I do not relish in self hatred. No pleasure fighting a war against the reflection
of her
myself
I
me
a battle against your claims of complexity then to have your response of 'vanity.'
Are there only two options? disordered or vain, I crave to be neutral, merely
sane."
"you are not disordered? neutral? vain?"
"I am just a symptom to the identified name."
Now exposed-
Yet still masked with security,
made up of make up and all those fucking cover ups to cover her impurities and
cloths sewn as clothes covering her womanly curves of which they once were but have been replaced by the scaffolds of the shape she cannot escape.
No damsel, Judge nor Jury
could decipher the voices possessing the victim,
completely compelled by the ballad of the phantom -
disconcerted gossip casting off each brick laid by brick,
and redirected to the lucid nation
to find an insightful soul amongst the ignorant population
and where was her sanity was found?
solitarily in the dark of town
where she's shrieking sirens in the cull de sac
and mute to society
identity: maniac
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Okay. First of all....
YES!
I loved this. I really did. I don't have ONE thing to say that is negitive. Amazing. Please write more, your really talented. When I first started reading this poem I couldn't stop.
-I love how you started with a one word beginning. I was thinking- "What? What does she mean? Read on!" That's a good thing.
Gosh. Please keep writing. I want to read more of your works!
~Pix~
Thank you so much, I really enjoy it when people appreciate my work as I do realise it can be easily overlooked and considered confusing/boring (try handing this to my entire English class, I can just imagine their responses!!) I'm glad the title is appropriate, I'm usually not too good with things like that so to know I picked a decent one is always good!
I do have another recent one in a similar style (not the format but the tone, I guess) if you go Brows/page3/Kings Order. It's underneath this one! (It's page 3 now but I expect it'd go further and further back!!)
XXX
Hey, ohsorocknroll!
I'm not sure if I've ever read/reviewed anything by you and let me just say... woah. I mean, really. This was really good, in my opinion. I don't think I can even say anything constructive because personally I liked this so much.
Was the font change intentional? I think it must have been? Either way, I think you should keep that, because it makes an interesting difference between the parts and just fits so well the overall atmosphere (that I got from this) of this poem. And Cambria's my favourite neutral font, probably.
One teeny thing I'd like to correct: I would write "cul de sac" with just one L.
I would've most likely liked this poem a lot anyway, but you get so many points for the rhymes you added. They were strong, smartly places, and generally ingenious, and it just added to my enjoyment of this. The imagery you use is very powerful, and I felt almost as if I was in some sort of "trance" almost when reading this. Excellent job!
I should read more things by you. Thanks for the read!
Demeter
x
Thank you so much for being so lovely about it, I'll change the spelling of cul de sac as I was unsure and sort of whipped this up without considering grammar or spelling (which is what I want to edit) so thank you for pointing that out! I'm really glad it had that effect on you, so again, another big thankkkkkk you!!!! XXXX
A very prose-y poem, love. The kind that tastes of a cause rather than an emotion. I'm supposing upon this being satirical, seeing as the imagery is stark and rigid to give a tone to the desperation of adolescence. Or the idea that ones own feelings should be left undefined if there are only two very generalized ideologies that one could fall under.
But, of course, having past through my teenage years, looking at this poem as a whole was a bit of a laugh for me. Not the structure or the way it was written which, to be completely honest, I found quite interesting due to that prose-y structure, but due to the theme of such a poem. That inescapable pause that you feel you cannot escape when you're sixteen and young, everything feeling as if it is the end of the world. But the pressures of teen years are felt by everyone, including the adults who persecute them as outrageous and overindulgent. The decadence of being young tends to overwhelm and is often enough the very reason for delving into insecurity or self-consciousness.
Over-ruled. I quite like that, seeing as it is an adult that often does not know what is best, yet still has the superiority and chronological advancement to give final words. Very intriguing, really.
Insecurity is often something grown out of. A bit pungent when comparing self-consciousness to insanity, for it really is quite sane to feel that one is not. Ironic, really, and mediocre as you stated above, seeing as it is a sentiment often expressed by many a teen to many an adult.
I'm curious as to whether or not this was an explanation, or a proverbial smack to the all-knowing adult that determines what is what and the best course of action for someone who is unfit to decide for themselves. In this case, even more so ironic because of the fact that someone who is definitively insane should have the right to defend herself and her own immediate manic. A little food for thought.
The structure is interesting. At points, I rather liked how your rhyme scheme played out. Even more so when you brought in dialogue to a poem that started out on the starchy side. The kind of starch I would suspect from Elizabethan literature but unnecessary in contemporary poetry. Nonetheless, you pulled it through the entirety of the poem which I admire you for. I would still suggest ridding yourself of that explanatory first stanza.
Overall, the satirical nature of this poem was rather bemusing. I had quite a bit of fun dissecting this one out as it is quite prose-y so not all that difficult to decipher. I would have loved to see a bit more of your own emotion reflect through, as it was not really all that emotional to begin with. The kind of poem that could translate out into a freedom speech, if one should suggest freedom for one to dwell on their own insecurities to the point of madness.
Either or.
Anyways, interesting poem. I will be watching out for more of your work.
~Walker
It seems the format of the poem goes down well, I was quite uncertain about it because I personally enjoy this way of writing but I'm always worried how people will react to it considering the structure of sentences, with each change is a different pace of reading really and sometimes people don't realise that and end up reading it quite...odd haha!!
It's open to interpretation as I realise a lot of people suffer with feeling judged/being an underdog/having insecurities but on a personal note it's much more than insecurity. I struggle to describe what this poem is about, because for me, that is why I wrote the poem. I had so many feelings boiling up inside of me and I couldn't just talk about it, it'd come out in a terrible mumble of words and make no sense, so this was my way of organising it into something that I could understand for myself.
Basically, it's about body dysmorphic disorder, and it's fairly unknown, the start is somewhat emotional and I do see what you mean by taking it out as I read it without the start, but I feel as part of my therapeutic approach to writing this, I'd like to keep it in.
"hunger (the use of word is a clue as to other issues I am involved with, the causes of my BDD and refers to the later lines 'Now exposed...etc')
to turn tribulation productive (the ache to turn my problems to poetry, to be able to vent via writing)
venturing towards self destructive. (self explanatory, not being able to turn to my old coping mechanism but instead, this.)
aware of the reflection in absolute precision (I feel that I see myself clearly, BDD is all about a distorted point of view, however, I know I see myself how I am, I feel I don't have BDD but simply, reasons to be insecure.)
despise what's been crafted in his vision. ('his' being God. I'm religious and have always been told I am created in the Lords vision, but I cannot help that I do not like this.)
Insecurity secured as problematic predicament
or overlooked and ignored as mediocre adolescent"
(these are the two options - I have an issue (BDD) but those who are unaware of what that is, e.g classmates, teachers etc would consider it a 'phase' or 'typical teenager.)
The statement of the two options then feeds onto the whole court room bit, setting out what the options are the the judges are trying to decide for me what I am...before I even know myself!!
I don't want to unpick the entire poem but I felt that a bit of insight could help, also explain the start.
'...freedom speech, if one should suggest freedom for one to dwell on their own insecurities to the point of madness. '
this is really well put, pretty exactly the point I tried to get across throughout with my works of my own voice in this.
Thank you so, so, so much for such an excellent analysis of my work, I really enjoyed reading what you had to say!! Thaaaank you! XXX