Hey, I really need help with this one - I wrote it a long time ago, and I can't find ways to fix it. Also, is this a bit childish? Thanks for the help!
Prologue
The smile he smiled wasn't for me. It's okay, really.
We both stood with our backs against the wall, looking out the window. I remember everything, all the bright colors, the way the light fell on his hair, I remember myself singing quietly, a happy song about sunset in the mountains. I remember the surprised look on his face, the big eyes that shined happily. He tilted his back, and bubbling laughter reached his lips. But that smile… that smile wasn't for me.
chapter one
From the first moment I knew that this wasn't going to be easy. From the second I walked into the air conditioned room in that big building, holding my workout bag so hard that my knuckles were pale. Inside of the room sat a man, papers and pencils all a mess on his desk. A pair of thick glasses covered his eyes. He looked at me questioningly, his black eyebrows rising with surprise.
"I-I'm…" I stammered in a weak voice, "Andriena M-Meiss."
The man nodded and started checking a tall pile of papers at the side of his desk.
Inside I was squirming. Why did I let myself do this? I kept asking myself fretfully. I should have just turned around and went back home. I mean, these are experts! Why would they even want me here? Oh dear, I stopped breathing for a moment. What if this was a mistake? I paled all the more, but the man at the desk didn't seem to mind. "There you are," he said and handed me a white note with my name on it. A little blood rushed back to my cheeks.
"T-thank you" I managed to say. The man stood; I now noticed he was wearing a dark suit. My face grew pale again. I came in my workout outfit. Was I supposed to dress up? The letter said nothing about that!
"Sir?" I asked, too much of a coward to actually look at his face. Instead, I glared at the red tie he was wearing. "I guess I sort of misunderstood…. But, I mean, the clothes…" I tried to explain desperately.
The man shook his head. "You didn't come underdressed," he said.
I sighed with relief, but since I don't know when to shut up I looked at his face and asked "well, how come you're wearing a suit?"
The man's eyebrows pulled together, and he huffed in disdain and self-importance, as far as I could see. "I'm wearing it because I'm the manager, and usually, managers wear suits." He looked me up and down with contemptuous eyes, and after a few moments, he shook his head. "The raff is really low nowadays," he mumbled and pointed at the door. "You're level eight," he said and took his seat again.
I left the room quickly, my gaze down and my cheeks red. Why did they take me? I asked myself again as I waited for the elevator.
I'm Andriena Meiss. I'm a sixteen years old girl, and honestly, I don't think I'm that special. My hair is just a normal dark brown, cut in a straight line until my shoulders, my eyes are grey, which is a cool color, but they always seem too big to me. And that's pretty much where my extra-ordinarity ends. I'm averagely tall – which is good, because I wouldn't be able to do half the stunts I can now if I was any taller, or shorter, and I guess I'm sort of shy. It's nice to meet you.
The elevator door opened with a light ringing sound. I took my workout bag and went inside it. My fingers ran across the numbers rapidly.
The reason I was there was because this was a company. A real live company! I couldn't be more excited.
I'd always known that acrobatics was in my blood. My grandfather owned the local circus, and I always stayed as long as I could there with him, watching. It started off as gymnastics when I was six, and worked its way up into working part time at The Circus as a full pledged acrobat.
Sound cool, right? Hate to break it to you, but, no, wrong. It's really hard work, and you constantly have to pay attention to everything – it gets kind of tiring. But I wouldn't have traded it fro the world. For one, all my friends were from there, and even though most of them were much older than me, they taught me tricks. And secondly – even though you're on edge the entire time you perform the stunts, it’s about as close as you can get to really flying. I loved that feeling.
School was such a drag compared to The Circus, and I didn't have many friends there. None, in fact, but I put up with it because that was my parent's only condition against my job. They didn't like the idea too much, my mother especially, since she'd grown up next to acrobats. But after many pleas from both my grandfather and I, she decided she'll allow it, as long as I have a normal childhood on all the other accounts. I didn't really understand that; I was already as normal as you could get, what more did she want?
And the reason I wouldn't have wanted to be home-schooled anyway was because I needed to focus on getting along with people – I was going to take over grandpa's circus one day, after all. When our story picks up, it wasn't going very well.
I was so excited when the agency called. Apparently somebody in this company saw me at grandpa's circus, and I was called for auditions, and after many nervous days, I passed. Mom and dad were so proud. Grandpa was the happiest person alive: he always wanted me to be an acrobat too.
The elevator door opened and I got out, holding on to my workout bag tightly. This is it Andy, I told myself while taking a deep breath. This is going to be easy.
I didn’t know how wrong I was.
I'd ended up in a long corridor, many grey doors all closed on the sides. I felt my heartbeat pick up with panic. I turned around automatically toward the elevator, but it had already left, leaving me stranded on the floor. My hands turned slick with sweat. No, this was okay. Not brilliant, but okay. I'll just… knock? I felt on the verge of tears.
The second door on my right opened abruptly, and a tall teenager who seemed my age stepped out of it. His bright blond hair was cropped short, his eyes – scanning my flushed appearance – gleamed the most curious shade of blue; despite the overall effect, his features were soft.
"You're Andriena, right?" he asked. I nodded my head weakly in response. "I was told you were going to come," he said and opened the door wide behind him.
I wondered why he was told that. He looked like he was on the agency too. Maybe we were going to be in the same team. But beyond all the speculations, I couldn't help the pure relief I felt. I wasn't alone in this anymore. Someone was here to show me the way. I felt like I could dance.
"I'm Chris by the way," he added hastily, right before turning his head toward the open door and yelling "Everyone! New comer, over here! Her name's Andriena. She'll be joining us." He walked into the room, gesturing with his hands that I follow.
I took a deep breath and walked into the room as well. I don't really know what I expected, but surprisingly enough, it was a dancing studio. The floor was made of wood, and there was a big mirror at one side of the room. A rope hung from the ceiling, a girl dangling from it.
I looked around me; there weren't a lot of happy faces. Everybody in the room seemed to be my age with one exception, all of them well built, all of the eyes staring at me.
In the back of the studio stood two teenage girls with the same ballet outfit, a pinkish one. One of them had black bushy hair that was tied up and colored skin; her eyes were scornful, a deep brown.
The girl that stood next to her had flipped her golden hair, which reached her lower back. Her skin was creamy, her eyes, mischief green, turned to slits as she stared me down. I shifted uncomfortably in my place.
From the rope, the dangling girl swung down, her honey colored curls bouncing. She smiled hesitantly, her big eyes a deep, dreamy hazel. I noticed gratefully that she wore a faded old sweatshirt, like mine, and a pare of loose sweats. Catching her was a guy, his dreamy bright brown eyes the only pair in the room not looking at me, but at her. Or should I say 'eye' because I could only see one – the other eye was hidden by his raven hair.
In the middle of the room two guys were doing push ups. Their builds were alike; both of them long, their arms strong. They were wearing matching sweats, and both their eyes stared up at me from their position on the floor. Their faces were identical; their nose was small, their lips a bit full and stretched into a smile. Their nut brown hair stood out in all direction on the tops of their heads. Twins, I realized.
In the front of the room stood a girl who looked a bit older than the rest of us, but she wasn't in her workout outfit like everybody. Her auburn hair was held in a tight ponytail at the back of her head, her dark eyes piercing. She had a whistle around her neck and her smile seemed to have a harsh edge to it.
I raised my hand. "Hi," I said shyly. Nobody seemed to mind; at once, they all went back to their work outs.
Chris walked until he stood next to the girl with the whistle. "She's the new girl," he said quite seriously, as if this was a very critical matter.
The girl's smile widened. "Do a split," she ordered, ignoring him. I put down my bag and stretched my legs to a split obediently. "Raw talent," she uttered and put her hands on her hips.
Raw? I thought. Raw? I've been practicing since I was six years old and this is called raw?
The woman reached out her hand. "I'm Abby."
I shook her hand.
"Chris and I are your coaches," she added, her face turned slightly upward in pride. I blinked twice before that settled in. They seemed so young… especially Chris; after all, I'd considered him to be my age. At The Circus, the coaches were all over thirty. So this company gave us a free hand. At least that explained why Chris knew I was coming. But still…
Some of my amazement must have reached my face because Chris chuckled and said "I'm seventeen" in an apologetic tone. Most of the people in the room looked at me immediately, some of their faces shocked, their eyes scrutinizing. I suddenly felt very embarrassed and self-conscious; maybe I was supposed to know? I felt my cheeks grow hot. Did I do something wrong? This could only happen to me, a little unnerved voice in my head concluded, still a little panicky. If there was something somebody wasn't meant to do, trust me to do it. Ugh!
"Yes," said Abby, her smile wearing off, "and we're the best." She looked around the room with a look that wouldn't embarrass an evil warlock and everyone got back to work. The girls at the back were apparently warming up, doing splits and stretching.
I felt my cheeks grow red again as I kept standing there, watching them. I didn't know if I was supposed to join in, or maybe now that they've introduced me I was meant to go home and come back for next practice. I felt helpless, and I hated it.
"Break!" called out Chris and all the residents in the room except the three of us sighed in relief. Bell looked unhappy, but stayed quiet.
The girl from the rope, with the guy that caught her right behind her, walked over to us. "Hey," she said, still breathless from the workout. "Nice to meet you. I'm Emily, and this is Stephan." She pointed at the guy next, who made no gesture to show he'd heard us. "We take care of acrobatic stunts." She reached out her hand.
I took it thankfully. "I'm Andy, and from what they told me I'm joining your team!" I continued eagerly; I'd been waiting for this moment for so long now. "My agent's told me loads about you! You're supposed to be really good, aren't you?" They got first place in all local competitions, and a respectable three at the county one.
Emily giggled. "That's us; stunt folks extraordinaire."
The boy with the black hair and dreamy eyes gritted his teeth before turning to face me. "Nice to meet you," he said, his face grim. "I look forward to working with you."
Emily smiled with satisfaction, rising to the tips of her toes to pat his shoulder. "Now was that so hard?" she asked him with a smirk. "But you didn't say it all!"
He grimaced, turning to me. "Welcome," he added through gritted teeth. He was taller than me, but not by much. I hardly had time to nod at him before the girls in the back of the room came closer.
"I'm Anna," said the girl with the long blond hair. She looked at me up and down and sneered lightly. I folded my hands behind my back, feeling uncomfortable; my sweats suddenly felt too old and faded.
"Katherine," said the girl with the black curls and colored skin. She snickered at the sight of my workout bag. I felt my cheeks turn redder and redder until a gentle hand patted my shoulder.
"Don't mind them," said Emily sharply, her big hazel dreamy eyes focused, for a change, on the girls. Stephan folded his arms and stood next to Emily, his vague brown eye serious. Anna and Katherine left while whispering and trading looks, heading towards their water bottles.
"Thanks." I shivered. Maybe being on the team wasn't that perfect after all.
Emily shook her head. "Not at all. Us sane people need to help out one another." Her eyes were bright. I laughed. Even Stephan risked a smile. I noticed later on that he almost never does smile.
As the break continued and I watched everyone stretch and catch their breaths awkwardly, I had time to wonder about the age thing. Were they all really my age?
"Everyone here is sixteen until seventeen," Emily explained in a low voice, glancing around at the people in the room. "They don't just look your age. They are your age."
I blushed slightly. "Was I being that obvious?" I asked, hoping the answer would be a no.
"Yeah." Emily started laughing. "But that's okay; nobody seems to get it in the start."
The two identical youths walked up to us; they both held their water bottles and both put their towel around their neck. "I'm Chase," the teenager on the right introduced himself.
"I'm Shay," said the one on the left. I looked at both of them, trying to identify who is who. It was too hard.
"You're twins right?" I asked uneasily after a second in which the two drank. The two of them traded looks, then burst out laughing. At my side I saw Emily grin, her honey curls shaking with her laughter. "Yeah –" said Chase.
"We are," finished Shay. I looked at the two of them once more. Chase's haircut was a bit different from Shay's, the spiky hair facing right instead of left.
"It's been nice to meet you." Chase smiled, reaching out his hand to shake mine. I took it. Shay grinned an equally dazzling smile.
"It- it's been nice to meet you," he mumbled, following his brother.
"They were nice," said Emily with somewhat surprise. Were they not nice in general? I quickly reviewed Anna and Katherine's behavior. Were the twins like them? That was strange – they seemed like good people to me.
Stephan nodded in agreement, the hair that covered his left eye falling off it for a slim second. His coffee eyes with his creamy skin looked lovely together. It was a shame he was hiding it. "You two didn't tell me how you know each other," I remembered suddenly. The two of them seemed embarrassed, as if not too sure what I'm talking about. "You know," I chided.
Stephan shrugged. Emily shook her head. "I'm sorry Andy, you're going to have to spell it out for us." She smiled apologetically. I tried to smile back, but it came out this confused line; the look on Stephan's face when he caught her – it caught my attention. The way they talked to each other, the pose they held when they stood together.
"What I meant was," I said, trying to phrase it correctly. "I meant, are you two a couple?"
Stephan blushed a deep red and Emily grinned sheepishly. "Is it that obvious?" she asked.
"Well, I don't know…" What had brought me to this thought in the first place? Oh, that's right, his eyes. "The way Stephan was looking at you, it made me wonder, that's all."
Stefan blushed an even deeper shade of red, his hands balled up into fists. It was sort of funny really, but I didn't laugh; I could tell this was hard for him. Poor thing.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Brace yourself, this could take a few minutes! I'm not usually into this kind of stuff, but this one was very interesting, so I have a lot to say. Hope at least SOME of this helps, especially since that's what I'm trying to do.
First off, in answer to Anna's statement:
I think a good way to improve it would be to say something like "From the second I walked into the air conditioned room, clutching my workout bag so tightly my knuckles were white, I knew it wouldn't be easy." or "Even before I entered the air conditioned room, gripping my bag like my only life-line, I knew my life had suddenly gotten much harder."
Even still, it's not perfect. I guess no two readers would ever agree on what's perfect, but these seem to flow better to me.
---
Okay, now down to business! DEFINATELY get rid of the part where your MC describes herself. Again, try Anna's idea. But be sure to make it your own somehow, make sure it sounds and feels like YOU wrote it.
Also, when describing her grandfather's circus, one time it was lowercase (the circus) and the second time it was The Circus. Just a picky detail for consistency, that's all! Similar case with grandpa/grandfather. Pick one and stay with it for consistency! (again, also just a petty detail)
Something about describing Chris when Andy first sees him just doesn't work for me. It might work better if you don't introduce him all at once, or maybe don't keep saying his this, his that. I know a lot of people do it, but I personally don't like it. Also, his outfit. Major flag for me. One second you say he looks like he's on the agency, then you say he's on her team. Is the agency just a fancy name for her team? Or is the agency the one who gave her the position at the acrobatic studio place?
Might be better if you change it to 'all eyes on me' or something, I don't know, it just sounds better. Also, when describing the girl and the boy who caught her, you describe both their eyes as 'dreamy'. And 'mischief green' should be mischievous green. In fact, I'd re-write all of this part:
Something like... 'The girl next to her flipped her long golden hair in an irritated fashion. She had creamy white skin, unlike her companion. Mischievous green eyes narrowed into slits as she stared me down scrutinizingly.'
A better way to say this might be: 'The girl from the rope, along with the guy who caught her, walked over to us.' Sound better? Worse?
I'm really confused about the first comment. Sixteen until seventeen? I haven't got a clue what that's supposed to mean, sorry. Also, take out the last sentence of dialogue out of there, and things will flow way better as well.
Possibly rephrase as "What I meant was," I said, struggling to say it right, "are you two a couple?"
Lastly, you spelled Stephan Stefan once. And usually Stephan is spelled Stephen, but uniqueness is always awesome!
Hopefully this helps some! I tend to notice a lot of the smaller things, but on the whole, I like it. Hopefully you won't hate me for such a long review, but it was a long piece, so it deserved a good, productive review.
Yay, I finally found time!!! XD sorry it took so long!


I enjoyed it a lot; it's really hard to introduce that many characters at once and be sure that the reader remembers them, but I think you did a pretty good job of it. Could use a little more work, because I'm still a bit confused, but better than I did when I intordduced a bunch of characters at the same time.
I find it interesting how pretty much everyone hates the new girl. Lots of tension, and I smell a full-on fight in the story. Looking forward to it XD lol!
I see no major typos or grammar to fix, and for something that long, you kept my attention until it ended. Flow could use a little bit of work though; it just seems a bit choppy and monotonic, is all.
Really, I see nothing big and major to fix. Good job! I throughly enjoyed reading it!
~Vee
Heya! I know I haven't given you a review in ages, but I have just been busy. So I am free nowadays therefor I can review. I liked this, very good description and the narrator sounds pretty cool. OK, I only found one or two errors. Here you go!:
I think you know. For the world, simple typo. on his hair. I remember myself singing quietly to a happy song about sunset in the mountains. Just after his hair, should be a full stop, as you put I remember before it. Otherwise it would be fine. OK well.MC: I liked. It seemed very down to earth, yet edgey if that makes sense to you. Well done.
Over all impressions: It was refreshing. I can't wait to read more. Anytime you need a review let me know girlie. BTW I love your wrting style, hardly any cliches at all. Love, SakuraFalls.
First off, I loved the prologue! It was well written, and it caught my attention. Good job.
Okay, the bold print is slightly redundant, consider taking one of those out. The second sentence is wrong, I know what you want to say, but what you have doesn't work. You start off with 'From the second I walked into the air conditioned room...' and it needs to be followed by something! Gah, it's hard to explain. For example, if you want to keep the same idea, it would have to be worded-
"...in that big building, I held my workout bag so hard that my knuckles were pale." Even then, that's a little awkward. Hm.
Remember to indent for new speakers.
I've noticed that you tend to include many exclamation points...a little more than I think is necessary-- but that's more of an artistic choice.
Wow. That totally doesn't belong there. Hm. I don't think the MC ((main character)) should suddenly start talking to the reader. Rather, try and say all that description without the MC going outright and saying it. For example...
Why did they take me? I asked myself again as I waited for the elevator...I caught my reflection in a darkened window. Pausing momentarily, my hand absently ran through my bangs. My hair was nothing more than a boring brown--certainly looks hadn't gotten me here. My eyes? Grey. Even in that seemingly interesting color, they still somehow managed to appear average...
Once again, this totally breaks up the story.
While a colon may work there, it would be much better if you used a semicolon ;
I don't know why, but I really hate the word raven used in lieu of black. There are just so many ways that you can describe his hair, raven just isn't the best.
I'm totally confused. O_o
Some of my amazement must have reached my face because Chris chuckled.
"I'm seventeen," he said, in an apologetic tone.
Okay this may just be me and being tired but I have no clue how you are referring to, I don't believe that you mentioned a Bell.
That was quiet redundant. Think about taking one of them out.
Overall, I thought that the story had a lot of potential. I think you did a great job of conveying the personality of MC. While there were a few rough spots ((which will be helped by editing)) and some minor grammar mishaps, it's a good idea.
Good luck!!
Okay, i don't think there were anyproblems with this. It was very well written, and i like it. I hated getting to the end 'cause i wanted to read more!! What i actually said was : "Oh my gosh, it ended!! Aw come on, that's not fair!
" Hehe.
Thumbs up
I really like it, so please keep writting!! And please send me a message when you do so i can find it easily because i can't wait!