Candles line the walkway
and I wonder if
The willow can sense emptiness,
of its thousand weeping branches.
The smell of mulch paints the ground
with brown disgust
of the fleeting life we have
in this tiny garden of Adam.
The reflection of faces
on the midnight stone
shows the pain of leaving something
relatively unimportant to the world behind.
So why do we still cry, then?
Why do we still cry?
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140,727 Literary Works • 673,681 Reviews
Hello ocw2021! Pompadour here for a review!
So, first off, I love how you execute the imagery in this poem! Very nice. I also really like how you end the poem; like you're trying to get over your sorrow, trying to pretend it doesn't matter - but it does matter, and you're questioning yourself why. We think of death as a part of this cycle, as something insignificant outlining our lives, and yet it is significant. Excuse my extensive use of italics, but I think pouring feeling into slanting fonts helps, does it not? Anyway, you've presented such a dilemma here and twisted an intense human feeling into words so successfully that I feel I must give you a thumbs-up here!
Moving on, there is a slight formatting problem in the second to last stanza as well as in the first one, and that's OK, seeing as I still find formatting slightly difficult on this site too. But here's a slight hint: press SHIFT+ENTER for a slight spacing, and just ENTER if you want a wide gap between lines.
This part, though, felt a bit off:
OK, so you're talking about a funeral, right? You told us about candles lining the walkway - beautiful. You went on to speak of weeping willows and that just turned me into a pool of sorrow. But you talk about this path of life, and then about mulch painting the ground with disgust and that somehow manages to rile the reader up. You're turning beautiful sorrow into something ugly, and I find that rather cliche. I'm not trying to be harsh, but you could do so much better here, and weave a more striking picture with your words. Don't picture disgust, I'd say. Picture sorrow, anger, emotion. Picture despair and acceptance. Bring in a balance between sadness and hope. All in all, I found this part rather depressing. What you need is to bring that depression alive. And how that is done depends completely on you!
My favourite stanza was this one:
Simply beautiful.
So keep it up! You've got a lovely piece here, and I could feel all the emotion behind it! Keep writing, and I hope to see more of your work up soon!
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Hello ocw2021, Laure here to review. See, most people are a grammar Nazi, a fluency Nazi or a spelling Nazi but me, sadly I'm not qualified to be any of those. So I shall remain as a humble content Nazi. Now, frankly I don't why there are more people appreciating this because this is honestly, a very beautifully and very ... hang on...I'm searching for a word to describe it.
Melancholic but also, some anger...it really just shows the reality of a funeral. Ah, that's the word I was looking for! Realistic!
My favourite line is probably, 'Of the fleeting life we have, in this tiny garden of Adam' Very true, we lead such a short and fleeting life. Is very regrettable. And also your ending, yes indeed, why do we still cry? At something so insignificant?
Now, that, is a very very interesting question.
Good job, I really like your work. Really.
-Laure
Hi there,
Let me break my review into parts so that I can say what I think about the poem as it progresses.
Wouldn't that be "the emptiness" in the 3rd line?
Some might have a problem connecting the "smell of mulch" and "the ground being painted with brown disgust." I know what I'm trying to say might be too abstract, but look at it this way : "a smell painting something" doesn't quite click for me. It might just be me but I would simply use "Mulch paints the ground with brown disgust" or something like that.
Are the "faces" here the faces of those attending the funeral? I think it's so. If it is, how do they show "the pain of leaving something relatively unimportant to the world behind"? I mean, the person who would look back upon life and the world would be the one who is deceased, right?
I see this poem and I see potential. You can do better. However, I would suggest that you work on what you're trying to say in the poem and whether the words , ideas and images are consistent or not.
That's my review. That's all I had to say. Hope it helps.