Resurrection, Inversed
I smile
as I step into that
endless fall
prepared for nothing
expecting everything
and hoping
always hoping
that I can one day
see a picture larger than the frame
hear the call above the voice
and stand on the ground
without needing my two feet
I want to
need to
leave this place
because it is
shaky
scary
hopeless
and
oh so
oh so
Dark
But now I have that Light with me
and it’s warmer than the stars
brighter than His eyes
and it shines inside my head
where no one knows
what goes on in this
well
cell
hell
of a head
where ideas plague the soul
and smother my heart
but the Light just
burns
consumes
engulfs
my thoughts
and I am alone
Yet I am not afraid
because it’s all been
burnt away
and it doesn’t matter that all
my Joys have smoldered
with all my Sorrows
for they can return
sometime when I’ve hit ground
that blessed quiet ground
where I don’t need to
cry
cry
cry
so that sweet flowers may bloom
around me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
first of all i really enjoyed reading your poem. it was very deep and thoughtful, made you think of different things.
and depending who you are and what experiences you have gon through i feel like certain lines in your wonderfull poem remind me of various things that have happened to me and that ive done and thats a good thing! i like the way that it includes more than one emotion it makes you feel what its saying. particularly the latter half of it. it was a very good read and i look forward to reading and reviewing a few more of your pieces.
x rachel x
Hey octocoffee, I'm here...finally. I know, I know, I'm awful. ><
So! First stanza: I love it. I think it was a really brilliant way to start, especially the last few lines, because they create such a wonderful image. At first I was concerned with the first lines up to 'expecting everything' because it seemed too vague and not really grounded enough, but then those last lines, with their concrete images balance the vague abstract-ness very well.
I also noticed the lack of punctuation which normally I'd eschew but I like it here because it helps the poem feel wild and excited, and at the same time sort of anxious, dreading, like you would if you were actually falling. Or right before the fall, I should say.
Second stanza: It's alright, but it's a bit of a let down after the first and here's why: I was cheesing on about the concrete images before? And this stanza doesn't have any. Which would be okay I guess except for the line that's 'this place' (I want to, need to, leave this place) because it's so...again, vague. Vague nothingness.
Don't get me wrong. You definitely shouldn't have to explain everything in a poem and that's not what I'm suggesting - but because there are so few, you do need to make sure every word counts and is strong and evokes a feeling and I just think there are so many stronger words that you could use than 'this place'.
I do like the contrast of dark and light though.
Third stanza: As I think someone mentioned before, here it gets a little jumbly. Because it starts out with 'it's dark here, which is horrible, but I have the Light which is amazing and wonderful and shining!' Paraphrasing obviously. And exaggerating; that's what I got from 'brighter' and 'warmer', that the Light is a good thing. But then it goes on to burn the speaker's thoughts and leaves them alone again, which seems to contradict the good connotations of the Light from before.
I dunno, that contradiction might be on purpose, which would be cool; things that we think are going to save or help us will end up hurting us more in the end? The Light chases away the Dark but engulfs and consumes? If so, I think it's a concept that could do with a little more exploring, even a poem of its own...because I'm not sure how it ties in with the first stanza.
Fourth stanza: I love that you returned to the idea of falling (sometime when I've hit ground). I've been waiting for that, since the first stanza, so I'm glad that this line sort of brought the poem round to that original image again.
I don't like the repetition of 'cry' though, I'm not sure that it works. I would actually cut that out and have it like where I don't need to cry/so that sweet flowers may bloom/around me. That said, it is a wonderful, wonderful closing image - I'm just not a fan of the structure. (Just suggestions, o'course.)
Really well done poem, Octo. The only thing I'd work on is developing the ideas a little bit and strengthening the images, because poetry is, after all, pretty words with a little meaning. Also, I could have totally interpreted this wrong and I'm sorry if I did (though sometimes that's what makes a good poem, that everyone looks at it differently). Anyway, hope this helps, and PM me if you have any questions or anything! And again, so sorry about the wait. ^__^
xx
Mars
Ok, I don't have the time for a full review but I'm just going to say that it's the best non-rhyming poem I've ever read!!!!
Alrighty, I'm not sure if this is considered bumping, but I separated the piece into sections and added and edited some places. Hopefully the message is a little clearer this way. Any comments would be really, really appreciated. Thanks!
Hi, first of all I would like to say welcome to YWS. You reviewed one of my poems, so I decided that I would take a look at one of yours:D.
For a start I really liked this poem. I did have to read it three times though just to really grab the concept of it and try understand it. I thought that the start and end of it really were very good, there was a flow to these parts. The middle was a little strange as was said in the previous reviews. I did not like the "Oh so Oh so Dark Dark Dark" and it felt as though if you were planning on doing this throughout the poem that you should replace "Cell Hell Well" with a word and repeat it three times again, maybe hell repeated? I did like the "Cry Cry Cry part though, It seemed to really strengthen the end of the poem. Other than these minor difficulties I enjoyed you poem.
I am really excited by this poem as this is generally among the kind of styles that I am particularly interested in. So lets begin.
I put lines that I felt like you might want to rephrase in bold (as they go against what the essence of your poem) and I italicized my comments:
I really enjoyed reading this. There are minor issues, most prominent of which was the shifting "maturity" of the persona you are using, you might want to tweak it, but that is entirely your call. Another thing, I recommend that you don't capitalize all your lines. This style is so dynamic that you could make Capitalization a valuable weapon you have in your arsenal.
I like the concept, and I didn't find the length as a problem.
Keep at it!
-Tyler
I am really excited by this poem as this is generally among the kind of styles that I am particularly interested in. So lets begin.
I put lines that I felt like you might want to rephrase in bold (as they go against what the essence of your poem) and I italicized my comments:
I really enjoyed reading this. There are minor issues, most prominent of which was the shifting "maturity" of the persona you are using, you might want to tweak it, but that is entirely your call. Another thing, I recommend that you don't capitalize all your lines. This style is so dynamic that you could make Capitalization a valuable weapon you have in your arsenal.
I like the concept, and I didn't find the length as a problem.
Keep at it!
-Tyler
Thank you muunilist for the critique! I found it very helpful. I do agree, the middle does seem very jumbled and I can certainly see where the reader would become confused. But I'm a little hesitant about using any sort of punctuation in the middle, because I almost want it to seem like the poem itself is falling along with the narrator. Do you think it might help if I cut out some of the repetition? I'm not sure if it's achieving the effect I want, and I think it seems like the easiest thing to cut out of the poem. I will try the punctuation though, and see how that works. Thanks again for the comment!
I liked this, i wont lie, i did get kinda lost in it's length towards the middle, but I loved the ending; it was very quaint and somber. I will say that thins get kinda confusing towards the middle, and I am not to sure if you are allowed to place commas or periods in this kind of writing, but if you did it may help solidify and pick-up your poem. As a whole, I liked it a lot, there is a lot of emotion and depth in your writing, keep it up!