Misplaced inflections twisted our psyche,
our flocks of Faith to hordes of Paranoia;
fragile pauses shattered under scrutiny,
piercing Joyous plains, carving canyons of Despair.
Insistence and Denial latched onto you,
fingertips like needle-laced barbs,
so touches cut thistle scratches into my heart
and tore my eyes blind.
Currents named Doubt meandered from my lips
and gales of Fury charged in their wake,
typhoons tempestuous flooding my glares
to drown you in wanton Wrath.
But Hope, brightest sun, and Forgiveness, kindest moon,
lit our way and saved us both,
evaporating swells of Hatred while rifts slowly gorged
with laughter, bridges linking lives again.
Now lay and rest with me in this steady tree,
before we descend into hardship once more—
Lark! The cottonwood shelters us,
gossamer Devotion flutters ‘round.
Now whisper Mercy in my ear,
let me grasp your weathered hands
and murmur thanks for your endless Patience
with my kisses, esoteric.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
Hey Octo! Sorry for the wait, but as you see, I haven't forgotten your request =) I also want to say that it's been a while since my last review, so if this feels like not enough, it might be because of that.
Nitpicks first.
I think the last line in this scratches the flow a bit in its length. I really like alliteration, if it sort of comes out easily and almost accidentally, like I think it did in this.
On the third line, do you mean "scratched"? Because it's both messing up your tense usage and grammatically incorrect, so I would like to think it's just a typo.
The same thing than with the first stanza. Also, I'm not sure about the "tempestuous"... it is spelled right, isn't it? It looks and seems a bit funny – especially when the whole line and stanza are filled with "big" words. It's easy to get lost in them, and sometimes less is more. In general, you have a beautiful way of using words. It makes it pleasant to read and look at.
I'm not too fond of the first line – to me it's a bit too... how could I say it? Not exactly childish, no, but maybe more like – well, it reminds me of when some people go all goo-goo when they say babies. xD My brain is clearly suffering a blackout, since I can't remember the word just now. But I hope you get what I mean. If not, PM me.
And I really like the image on the last line.
Hardship, hmm... another one of those words I'm not too sure about. It might be a proper word, but I don't know if it is, so to me it just sounds odd.
Weathered hands = iLike. Murmur = iDislike. (Geez, that looks horrible, actually. xD) The last line I really like, too, very pretty.
So. I sort of liked how you kept capitalizing those some concepts. I'd really like to have more time now and dig deeper into them, but all I can do now is to like what they do for the poem. I always like and look for something that keeps the poem together, and things that connect with each other. Otherwise, it's a mess, usually. It's a good thing you did this, because if they weren't capitalized, most people would probably skip them without really paying attention. This draws eyes in it, so it's a good solution.
Well, excuse my reviewlet, and just ask me whether you'd like a more in-depth one. I can of course return, if you feel like you need more. I hope to have helped you even a little, though!
-Demeter
x
Hi I'm izzy and I will be reviewing your work today
Okay to start of I thought this poem was fantastic but I think your use of metaphors and personification make this a little hard to understand. What I would advise is that you replace some of your lines with simpler wording, just to make the rest of the stanza's easier to read.
I'm a little confused here as you basically saying on your first line Misplaced accents (accents or modulation being the definetion of inflection) twisted our soul. I think I have just perceived this wrong but I have no idea what your on about. If the rest of this stanza is fine but I suggest simplfing the first line or at least making the meaning clearer.
I wouldn't change anything! Fantastic simile "fingertips like needle-laced barbs".
You must have one amazing vocabulary! After studying the dictionary for ten minutes I think this stanza is incrediley written and begins to give this poem some well needed structure but I don't think manny people will be able to interpret this. If I were you I would take take out typhoons tempesruous floodinh my glare and replace it with something more simplistic.
It now becomes clear what you are trying to achieve in this poem, if only your first few stanzas could be as great as your last. Once again I just want to say I do love this poem, I find stuff like this fantasticly interestin to read!
Keep writting
izzy
Thank you for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Yeah, I do agree that the similes feel pretty heavy, but I'm not sure how to fix it.
Hi,
I really, really like your poem. This is totally not a critique and its really lame of me but I don't have much time.
Okay, right now I can't really pinpoint anything that doesn't fit or doesn't seem right. So I guess I'll just tell you what I really liked about it and see what happens.
The second stanza made me die! I think it's definitely my favorite. Although I do think you can take off the so in "so touches cut thistle scratches into my heart" I think it might flow better that way and people will still understand it.
I think maybe the all of the similes(is that the right word?
I don't know, I can't find the one I'm looking for right now) over powered the poem a just a little. So maybe consider breaking some of those down. I still think this whole poem worked though, and the last stanza was amazing.
I have to go now, I'm going to be late! I just wanted to say a little something about your poem before I left!