Death by Lyricism
Began a dissonant chord,
your soft voice so off-key and
yet perfectly in time;
nothing but sentiments
and it was everything to me.
So you kept singing and
I kept humming along
to the poor rhymes,
the contrived lines,
but I was so lost in you.
The crowd snickers,
shuffles their feet along;
do we walk together, alone?
Pity clinks and falls
into the case like quarters,
cold and meaningless,
and you smile for it anyway.
Put your records on,
tell me how all life begins,
just why I sit upon this bench,
wrapped within your voice.
-----
My, I haven't been around in a while. Just thought I'd put something up because it's been a while since I've actually shared my work. Feel free to rip apart, I'm less sensitive about criticism on my poetry in any case.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Oh, I loved this poem! It was really nice. Like Matt, I'm not sure if the lines in italic are from the song or just part of the poem, but they were lovely in it anyway! Also, I quite like the way that the lines between the italics, and the way that the number of lines is different every time, reflect the idea of being off key. Or am I reading too much into it?
One thing I'm not so sure about is the fact that the crowd seem uncaring, yet he still gets pity? That seems to contradict slightly.
But it was lovely! Well done!
~Amy
On a second reading I found I was kind of fond of this poem. It's got several layers, I actually thought it was about modern, bad, music when I first skimmed through it, but now I see it's about a street musician. I think.
"The crowd snickers" is one thing I would change. I think you'd want to emphasize their indifference yet again rather than characterizing them as aggressive towards the player. Find a new verb.
It's interesting how the POV character is having a sort of a love affair with the musician and the music itself. (Of course, I do not mean conventional love but rather a sort of admiration, adoration, and respect.)
Liked it.
~Aet
Thanks both for your input, you guys are dolls
I'm certainly considering your points, although I have yet to edit this properly.
silented - I've been doing well, much better than before, thank you for asking! I hope you're in as good spirits as I am.
Hey, Octo! Firstly, I really like your tone. I love how you refer to money and pity, and the contrast of feelings between the crowd and the narrator. The italicised lines, are they referring to lines out of songs? It sounds like it, and if so, I like how you've incorporated the songs the character is singing into the poem. I'm not sure if in the second-to-last line it should be "while" instead of "why"? I'm not sure if the title of the poem really suits it, also. Apart from that, a really well-written and enjoyable ppoem. Well done.
It's good to see you again octo!! How have you been? If you don't mind my asking.
Well, onto the review.
Okay, well no big problems with this. One thing I don't like is that there is no setting...
This doesn't seem to really go with the poem, doesn't really give any description to it, eh?
For the most part it was good. I couldn't spot things that were wrong. It was a bit hard, actully. Keep writing. I enjoyed this.
Silented1.