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My Taken Right (Duologue)

by occymay


This is a duologue (a piece containing only two people) I just finished writing. I have grammar checked but knowing me there will still be more. I'm having trouble with the end because every time I write something, it feels like I'm dragging it out. Let me know what you think. Thank you. 

My Taken Right 

(Lily walks into the room, her boyfriend, Will, close behind her)

Will: What is it you wanted to talk about?

Lily: Is something bothering you? You’ve been acting funny all weekend. I thought you’d be excited to see your uncle.

Will: (forcing a smile) I am.

Lily: William, don’t lie to me (raises voice). Don’t pretend you’re okay when I can see the fear in your eyes. (Moving close to him) Please, I want to help you.

Will: (Pained expression, whispers) I can’t.

Lily: (stroking his arm) Please, Will, you don’t have to be on your own.

Will: Yes I do (Shouting, knocks her arm away). You don’t have a clue what I’ve been through, you have no idea. Do you know what they say about people like me? They’d call me a fag, a weakling, a girl, liar, you name it they probably think of it. (Tears run down his face, he harshly wipes them away) I’m meant to be a man and yet I’m crying. Men don’t cry.

Lily: Will (confusion crosses her face before she realises) He raped you.

(Will falls to the floor, wailing into his hands. Lily is taken aback)

Lily: (falls to the floor beside him) It’s okay (she holds him) Shh, it’s okay. (She continues to comfort him, he slowly calms down). Tell me what happened. I won’t judge you. You are the strongest person I know; you are my rock and just because you were raped does not change that fact.

Will: (taking a slow, uneven breath, he looks her in the eyes) It started when I was 12. I was in the house alone. Everyone was outside; playing in the sun but it was giving me a headache so I came inside. That’s when he came in. My uncle. I barely noticed he was there until he pushed me up against the wall and… and (he trails away, unable to finish).

He said that if I told anyone he’d say I was lying and that I pushed myself on him. I was so scared. Everyone loves him so I thought they’d believe him over me. I was so lonely, so isolated because I couldn’t say what I wanted to say. They went on in peaceful ignorance.

Lily: (speaks softly) But it didn’t end there? (squeezes his hand tightly)

Will: (shakes head) Every time he visited. The first time it happened I hoped it was just a one off but it wasn’t. After that, I tried hiding myself and when that didn’t work I made sure to stay close to someone at all times. It worked in reality but my mind visited those hours regularly. The weakness, the pain, his satisfaction (he spat as tears rolled down his face).


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Sun Mar 26, 2017 7:32 am
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Dulcet wrote a review...



Hey, occymay! Hope you don't mind me dropping in for a short review! I'll be reviewing this as I read it, with my final thoughts at the end. So I'll get straight into it!

(Lily walks into the room, her boyfriend, Will, close behind her)


I think it'd help if you could describe the setting a bit. Right now it's just "the room", but readers should know what building this room is in, and whether it's a bedroom, storage room, etc., things like that. Describing the setting would also help the reader know what the two characters were doing before they walked in, which is important so that we don't get confused.

Will: Yes I do (Shouting, knocks her arm away). You don’t have a clue what I’ve been through, you have no idea. Do you know what they say about people like me? They’d call me a fag, a weakling, a girl, liar, you name it they probably think of it. (Tears run down his face, he harshly wipes them away) I’m meant to be a man and yet I’m crying. Men don’t cry.


Loooove this; it really gives a good look at Will's inner conflict and his values/beliefs. Granted, I don't necessarily agree with his beliefs (because men can totally cry all they want!) but this just makes him feel more human and believable to me, so I really like this small outburst from him.

Lily: Will (confusion crosses her face before she realises) He raped you.


This line is a bit less believable because I don't think the natural conclusion to come to would be rape. I'm in the same boat as RavenBlack, since in that situation I would think Will was gay or something. But either way, I feel Lily is a bit too quick to assume it's rape.

Lily: (falls to the floor beside him) It’s okay (she holds him) Shh, it’s okay. (She continues to comfort him, he slowly calms down).


For some reason, I really like that you wrote "falls to the floor beside him" instead of something like, "sits beside him". Something about the word "falls" just gives me a sense that Lily really empathises with Will and is willing to help him no matter what. I can't describe it, but I just really like it. :)

Will: (taking a slow, uneven breath, he looks her in the eyes) It started when I was 12.


Again, I agree with RavenBlack in that I don't think anyone would be so quick to tell about a traumatic experience, even to a loved one. It's this moment that could benefit from some extra description just to slow the scene down a bit. Perhaps describe Will's body language as he hesitates to tell Lily his story? Or maybe write a bit more of Lily coaxing him, or waiting patiently. Whatever you do, it should show how hesitant Will is.

Lily: (speaks softly) But it didn’t end there? (squeezes his hand tightly)


Again, the way Lily interacts with Will is just A+. How she squeezes his hand is a minor, but great detail to include. That being said, the "tightly" part made me imagine Lily really, REALLY squeezing his hand hard, haha. I personally would prefer it if she squeezed his hand "gently" or something to that effect, but I also think you could just not put an adverb there and it'd still be just as effective.

Aaand that's all the comments I have to give while reading this! One thing I do want to point out now is how unnatural some of the dialogue sounds, like:

Lily: Don’t pretend you’re okay when I can see the fear in your eyes.


It sounds great in writing, but when said aloud, I think it sounds a bit over-dramatic, or cliche. I think it'd be more believable if she pointed out something more... normal? Like, "I can see you're trembling" or "You've been really quiet". It may come down to personal taste though - I personally have a hard time reading people's eyes so I would never say something like "I can see the sadness in your eyes", but that might just be me.

Other than that, I also want to say I love that you used a male rape victim rather than a female one. Males who have been raped don't get as much... exposure, for lack of better word, as females who have been raped, so I like the inclusion here.

Other notes:
Plot: there's not much here so I can't comment on plot. I don't have any ideas for the ending so I can't help you there, but I do look forward to seeing it if you plan on publishing it here.
Characters: Will is sympathetic and the way Lily treats him so gently here makes her quite likeable!

As for grammar/punctuation, I think this page could help in regards to parentheses/brackets: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/parens.asp
I also suggest looking at other scripts and really studying their grammar and punctuation. I've found that referring to published works really helps.

And that's it! Apologies if this review is all over the place; I'm a bit rusty since I haven't reviewed in a while, heh. If there's anything that needs clarifying, just point it out and I'll try my best to explain it better.

I really do like the idea of this piece and would love to see it in its complete, refined form. :D Thanks for the great read!




occymay says...


Thank you for your review! All your points were really helpful ^_^



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Sun Mar 12, 2017 5:56 pm
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RavenBlack wrote a review...



This is a great section of dialogue, really illustrates the trust between Will and Lily and creates pity for Will, I felt sad while reading it.

Though I would say, when Lily says

[Lily: Will (confusion crosses her face before she realises) He raped you.]

Realistically I don't think someone would get the impression that someone got raped from how Will reacts or when he says: "They’d call me a fag, a weakling, a girl, liar, you name it they probably think of it." When I was reading it I got the impression he was gay, but when Lily said he got raped I was confused.

Also I don't think someone would reveal that they got raped to someone that easily, it would take time for them to confess.

Other than that I loved it :-)

Hmmm... for the ending I was think his uncle enters and Lily confronts him about what he did to Will, when she tells him that she's going to call the police he tries to stop her and attacks her, knocking her out cold. Then Will defends himself against him by accidentally killing him...




occymay says...


Thank for your review! I'll take your thoughts into consideration when I revise over this :)




As the notifications drift in I stop and wonder. Why do they take so long? Do they have adventures we don't know about? I bet they do. When they come I will ask myself. What amazing adventure has this straggling notification been on? How far did it travel, and why didn't it take me?
— 269609