Hey, occymay! Hope you don't mind me dropping in for a short review! I'll be reviewing this as I read it, with my final thoughts at the end. So I'll get straight into it!
(Lily walks into the room, her boyfriend, Will, close behind her)
I think it'd help if you could describe the setting a bit. Right now it's just "the room", but readers should know what building this room is in, and whether it's a bedroom, storage room, etc., things like that. Describing the setting would also help the reader know what the two characters were doing before they walked in, which is important so that we don't get confused.
Will: Yes I do (Shouting, knocks her arm away). You don’t have a clue what I’ve been through, you have no idea. Do you know what they say about people like me? They’d call me a fag, a weakling, a girl, liar, you name it they probably think of it. (Tears run down his face, he harshly wipes them away) I’m meant to be a man and yet I’m crying. Men don’t cry.
Loooove this; it really gives a good look at Will's inner conflict and his values/beliefs. Granted, I don't necessarily agree with his beliefs (because men can totally cry all they want!) but this just makes him feel more human and believable to me, so I really like this small outburst from him.
Lily: Will (confusion crosses her face before she realises) He raped you.
This line is a bit less believable because I don't think the natural conclusion to come to would be rape. I'm in the same boat as RavenBlack, since in that situation I would think Will was gay or something. But either way, I feel Lily is a bit too quick to assume it's rape.
Lily: (falls to the floor beside him) It’s okay (she holds him) Shh, it’s okay. (She continues to comfort him, he slowly calms down).
For some reason, I really like that you wrote "falls to the floor beside him" instead of something like, "sits beside him". Something about the word "falls" just gives me a sense that Lily really empathises with Will and is willing to help him no matter what. I can't describe it, but I just really like it.
Will: (taking a slow, uneven breath, he looks her in the eyes) It started when I was 12.
Again, I agree with RavenBlack in that I don't think anyone would be so quick to tell about a traumatic experience, even to a loved one. It's this moment that could benefit from some extra description just to slow the scene down a bit. Perhaps describe Will's body language as he hesitates to tell Lily his story? Or maybe write a bit more of Lily coaxing him, or waiting patiently. Whatever you do, it should show how hesitant Will is.
Lily: (speaks softly) But it didn’t end there? (squeezes his hand tightly)
Again, the way Lily interacts with Will is just A+. How she squeezes his hand is a minor, but great detail to include. That being said, the "tightly" part made me imagine Lily really, REALLY squeezing his hand hard, haha. I personally would prefer it if she squeezed his hand "gently" or something to that effect, but I also think you could just not put an adverb there and it'd still be just as effective.
Aaand that's all the comments I have to give while reading this! One thing I do want to point out now is how unnatural some of the dialogue sounds, like:
Lily: Don’t pretend you’re okay when I can see the fear in your eyes.
It sounds great in writing, but when said aloud, I think it sounds a bit over-dramatic, or cliche. I think it'd be more believable if she pointed out something more... normal? Like, "I can see you're trembling" or "You've been really quiet". It may come down to personal taste though - I personally have a hard time reading people's eyes so I would never say something like "I can see the sadness in your eyes", but that might just be me.
Other than that, I also want to say I love that you used a male rape victim rather than a female one. Males who have been raped don't get as much... exposure, for lack of better word, as females who have been raped, so I like the inclusion here.
Other notes:
Plot: there's not much here so I can't comment on plot. I don't have any ideas for the ending so I can't help you there, but I do look forward to seeing it if you plan on publishing it here.
Characters: Will is sympathetic and the way Lily treats him so gently here makes her quite likeable!
As for grammar/punctuation, I think this page could help in regards to parentheses/brackets: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/parens.asp
I also suggest looking at other scripts and really studying their grammar and punctuation. I've found that referring to published works really helps.
And that's it! Apologies if this review is all over the place; I'm a bit rusty since I haven't reviewed in a while, heh. If there's anything that needs clarifying, just point it out and I'll try my best to explain it better.
I really do like the idea of this piece and would love to see it in its complete, refined form. Thanks for the great read!
Points: 5100
Reviews: 52
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