Young Writers Society

First off I want to start by saying wow. You have talent. I listened to the song before, and I love it, but you took it to a next level. As I was reading this, I could see the person has he/she was talking and going through the movements. I hope you do more Monologues like these. Keep up the good work!!

Hi, occy!
Yes, it's me. Here to review for you. ;P

I've never heard the song you based this piece after, but overall I thought this piece was super dramatic. The acting, which I thought was very effective, and the imagery, which was quite descriptive. But I'll be honest with you. I didn't like the format of this. You smashed it all together into one paragraph - was that easiest? For me, that made it much harder to read. This is somewhat like a skit (I don't remember what the proper name for it is), so it should be written like one, with plenty of spaces and paragraph breaks. You should state how the narrator enters the stage, or if she even does, where she's standing, etc. I'll give you an example of what I mean:
[Curtain opens, revealing spotlight on narrator in center stage. His/her eyes are closed, hands clasped against chest, open pain in voice]
Narrator: You are the sun in the sky, the very thing my world revolves around. [eyes open] I change and grow for you but you leave me unsatisfied - [voice raises]...

I've honestly never wrote a skit before, so maybe I got some of that wrong, but from what I've read, it's usually formatted something like that. As you can see, I changed some of your wording you had in parentheses or highlighted it like, the 'hands against breastbone' thing. There is nothing wrong with saying that, but it seemed a little too (?) dramatic. Hands clasped against breastbone is the same as hands clasped against chest, and wouldn't draw too much attention away from the actual words of the narrator.
I noticed you put "emphasis" in parentheses in some instances. Maybe you thought it'd be more effective that way, but in my opinion, I think you could bring the words across in the same manner if you italicized them. Simply: "I try harder and harder to reach you..." instead of "I try harder and (emphasis) harder to reach you..." Do you see?

I liked the narrator's words throughout most of this. They're dramatic and painful and appealing, but the ending puzzled me. "Something I can never obtain." Did I miss something? Because I have no idea what he/she means by that. What can you never obtain? You were going on so nicely and smoothly, and BAM, you end it abruptly with this. No more sweetness and softness, just this. I didn't think it flowed together or made any sense. It made me wonder: what is the moral of this, the meaning?
Ok, now I'm the one being dramatic. XD

Anyway, those were my thoughts on your work, occymay. This was nice overall, I couldn't help but find my inner self acting it out and you know, what? It was great.
I hope you found this review somewhat helpful and apologize if anything wrongfully intended was said. Thanks so much for the read!
cheers!
-TheKid

Hello @occymay,

I loved this concept! I have never seen anything like this on YWS before, written choreography and blocking for a music video. Very nice.

What I am somewhat unclear about is the context of the performance. Is this a spoken monologue, like an audition piece? Or is this perhaps a performance/dance?

It was particularly interesting for me, as an actor, to follow. Something to consider is perhaps writing out specific blocking, i.e. where on the stage will you stand at particular points during the perfomance? Will you be at center stage? Up stage? Left? Etc. (I noticed you used 'centre stage' once at the end, but it might be helpful to map out your movements throughout the whole piece.)

Another thing to think about is setting. Where does the performance take place in the world? It helps not only from a performance aspect, but from a readers perspective. Take for example, Robert Harling's Steel Magnolias. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steel_Magnolias_(play)) We know that this entire play takes place in Louisiana, which lends not only to the overall plot, but to the individual characters as well. It would change the piece drastically to place it in, say, Greenland. If you as the performer can envision where you are, it helps when playing certain movements and emotions.

Also consider facial expressions. As a performer it is important to wear your character's heart on your sleeve. For example, the speaker here seems to feel a sense of extreme desperation to hold onto this person. At "The very thought of moving on sends tears to my eyes..." you may want to consider actually crying softly, or arranging your face to appear choked up. The line "I tell myself its ok to hurt so long as I have you in my life..." sounds like it needs serious attention in the performance. This is self injury at its clearest. The speaker is damaging themselves obviously in the most deperate way possible. How can you show this desperation? How can the audience read it clearly from your face and body language?

Lastly, the most important thing you can learn in an acting class is objective. What is your character's objective in this piece? What is motivating them to say what they are saying? Having a clear idea of this helps in performance tremendously.

The song is clearly part of the pop genre, so to fuse it with some theatrics felt sweet and dramatic. Other than a couple typos, I really enjoyed reading it.

I hope to see more of your work here on YWS occymay! Excellent work here, and good luck with this if you ever perform it! If I can answer any questions, please feel free to shoot me a PM.

Write On,
Mav

Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com