You can feel the air around you, that perfect ocean breeze. The shoreline, barely 10 feet away. You constantly look around, observing the ruins behind you. They were old, older than life itself. They had always been there, 5 beautiful buildings, 5 beautiful memories. Looking down at yourself, your body couldn’t be but 5 years old. Looking back at the ruins, the sun hit the mesmerizing limestone carvings, you saw a light shadow, your shadow. Paying no attention to it, you continued to watch. Staring at the arc that towered over you. It was watching you, was it not? It couldn’t be. It was a building. Facing the shoreline once again. You took a step towards the shore, just one, and another year passed by. Worried for what’ll happen, you stare at the water. "Why would you allow water to bother you? It is nothing but water." The voice spoke, it was right. Watching the sun come just a little farther down, it couldn’t be too long past noon, the sun was still so bright, so high. Building up the courage, you take charge. Two steps this time, 2 years this time.
Realizing you haven’t looked at the ruins in 3 steps, you turn around. Looking back you notice soft cracks starting to appear on the carvings. A woman’s face had appeared on one side of the arc. The was covered in little cracks that had been repaired over the years. But what years? It’d only been 3 steps, 3 years? Couldn’t be. You stare at the face, she seemed to be crying. She had the prettiest smile you’d ever seen. She had a small round head, chubby cheeks and squinted eyes with her smile. Her eyes were hooded, small, but just so pretty with that smile. She had short hair and the carving made it seem as if it were thin. You stay where you stand, watching the carving cry. If only you were allowed to walk back. You turn towards the water, it looks as if it were at a standstill. Yet, you still heard the waves rolling against themselves. Nothing ever stopped. You look back one more time at the carving, her tears had stopped but the smile no longer remained. Regretting your choice, you turn to face the water again. Just another step, that’s all, right? Right. You take one step towards the water. Then you take one more. Closing your eyes you take two more. “7 steps. You. took. 7. You do realize every step is a year right? You haven’t even picked your core memories." You looked around confused. Was there somebody talking to you? Those didn’t sound like your thoughts, it’s always your thoughts, why wasn’t it this time?
Wait. That wasn't you earlier either. Was there somebody else here?
Staring blankly at the water, the air seems to have gone still. You stood there, wondering what to do next. “Just take another step.” it's voice ringing in your ears. Although you’re scared, you take another step. Only 2 steps away from the water, you turn to face the ruins. They seem to be destroyed, nothing but the arc stands. You stare at it, confused. There was another face, a man’s face. He looked familiar, he had an oval shaped face, hooded eyes, glasses, mustache and a small beard. Unlike the woman, he seems content?
There was something off about the carving. “How could he even seem familiar? You’ve never left this place.” You stood frozen, it came back. Why did it always have an opinion on how you feel? Why is it here? “You do know you’re over 8 steps right? You’ve been in this world much longer than you realize.” Why was it always so ominous? You call out to it, “What are you talking about!?” You stood there, waiting for an answer. Nothing. Now it chooses to be quiet. You search the ruins with your eyes, scanning every little detail. The curvature of the arc, the crumbling tower behind it, they felt as if they were alive. Yet there was nothing. How many years has it really been? “You started with 5 memories, what were they?” It spoke again. You shivered. You don’t know. You looked around, the sky had gone dark. “You didn’t even realize how long it’d been had you? Look at your clothes, your body, your skin. You’re different now. Go on. Take those last two steps.” You stood staring at the ruins. The faces looked disoriented, contorted, abused. Do you really listen? “What do you have to lose?” It responded. You looked around, there was nobody in sight. The ruins had new buildings, 13 buildings. There should be 5 buildings. 5. Why were there 13? “Oh no reason.. Just maybe the fact that You. Are. CLUELESS! I’ve never met somebody so idiotic as you. I’ve lived a hundred lives, been in a hundred minds AND YOU.” it scoffed and went silent.
It’s playing with you. It has to be. Where could it even be? You look down at your feet and pause. Your eyes widen. Your. Shadow. Your shadow was actually speaking to you. It was playing with you. It was taunting you. Ignore it. You turn towards the now violent and angry water. You can smell the hatred and disdain, you can feel the anger and violence. This was no longer the peaceful haven you'd come to enjoy. No, it was never that. Was it? “BINGO! Look at that! You actually got something right.” The shadow laughed. You ignored it, took your last two steps, and immediately. You began to drown. Your shadow dragged you deeper and deeper into the water. You can’t hear anything but the muffled noises of your screams. What was this shadow? What was it doing to you?
It's just been dragging you deeper and deeper, the sea never ends. Months pass, you’ve stopped fighting, you've just given in. It'll taunt you and bring you just to the surface to see those faces in the ruins. They're always bickering and yelling, in a way it's peaceful down here with the shadow. You’ve become comfortable in the water, it no longer feels like you're drowning. No, you cannot breathe, but you can see. There's nothing here but you, your thoughts, and it. Nobody here to hurt you, yell, or cry.
Yet here you are, being driven to insanity. You never realized where you really were. You were inside your own head, trying to escape the dark reality surrounding you. "You had everything to lose, what would your mother and father think? Do you even know who they are? Of course you don't, you don't even know who you are." The voice said one final time, one final time was all it took to kill you.
You never saw it, not once.
You were only 16.
She was only 16.
I was only 16.
That is the origin of my decline, my beautiful decline.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
i found myself holding my breath alongside the narrator. the way you’ve crafted the ruins and the shadows feels so vivid, like a dream that starts to blur into a nightmare.
the moment with the shadow realizing it has a voice is haunting—like a thought you can’t quite shake, something always lingering just behind you. i especially love the way you described the shadow’s taunting, its laughter cutting through the tension of the scene. it gives that eerie sense of being both alone and not, of hearing whispers in an empty room. that's a neat usage of personification.
the imagery of 'violent and angry water' is so striking; it makes the sea feel alive, like it’s carrying all that pain and bitterness beneath its surface. the ruins create such an unsettling, surreal atmosphere. it’s as if time and space fold in on themselves with every step the narrator takes. i wonder how that must feel to be in their shoes, but i am thankful not to be. i imagine that would be rough.
i’d love to see a little more time spent on the transformation from a peaceful haven to the darkness of the water though. that can't come to be out of nowhere. giving that shift just a bit more room could heighten the contrast, making the final plunge feel even more inevitable and tragic. there are so many ways to describe water. i feel as though you could add more sensory details to liven it.
this feels like a slow fall into the abyss, where the lines between reality and the mind’s shadows blur together. thank you for sharing! ^v^
Hi there nyxx, welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying the site so far and I'm excited to see you're posting work already. If you have any questions about my review or anything else on the site, please don't hesitate to ask.
Now onto the review!
The first thing I noticed was your use of numbering here. It's typical to use written numbers (like one, two three) up to about twelve, but the most important thing is to be consistent. You can definitely use numbers, but make sure not to change part way through a sentence. Here's an example:
Another thing to bear in mind is the structure of your paragraphs. You do it really well at the end, breaking them up to emphasise a point but this is definitely something you can build on in the rest of the piece. It's also important to note that a new paragraph needs to be started whenever someone new speaks, like this:
Before 7, a new paragraph needs to begin.
Breaking up your paragraphs can also help with pacing!
I thought the use of second person perspective here was really interesting. At first I thought it was written like I was the character experiencing everything, but then later there's a reference to 'I' which changes the whole thing. I think that slightly confuses things but almost in a good way because it adds to the mystery.
I enjoyed reading this, and hope the review was helpful. Welcome again!
Icy