ii.

Hi nycto,

Well done, this is great. I would only mention that you have used "i" instead of "I" but I'm guessing this was intentional. I especially love the penultimate line, the way you've creatively mashed it together. It gives a sense of simultaneous emotions. It is deep, makes me want to know more about who is talking, and about whom.

Keep it up!

I liked round one, so I figured I'd come back for more.

Your first stanza is generally a complete narrative in itself. You have one sentence that encompasses 1.) being a child who gazed at the stars year in and year out [read: a dreamer, creator, free-thinker, etc.], 2.) an individual who reached adulthood and realized that there may be something / may not be that same something, 3.) that person wants to blame god or God or whoever for 4.) this individual having intense impulses [to do what? the inclination is self-destruction/suicide due to "unstable"] that trigger from something as small as the image of the moon. Four entire sentiments in one stanza; it's loaded for a stanza of six lines, but it still feels excessive compared to my first taste of you. That's simply contrast, so don't pay it any mind unless you really like minimalism.

So you must find god. Nothing to dissect or observe here. Just a sentiment. That said, I'm unsure whether I like the disposal of the ambiguous non-identity of god/God/whoever established in the first stanza just so you can cut down on words and compress it into a fountainhead god. Observe your consistency, or at least decide if your narrator made a choice of naming his whoever within three line's time.

Your final stanza is compact and rapid, and the only issue I have here is the redundancy of trapped and ensnared. The image changes by maybe one degree out of ninety for the second iteration of the sentiment. It doesn't seem worth it, despite the flow being favorable. You may've already glared at the line. If not, glare at it. If you have, glare at it until it gives. Otherwise, your final stanza is solid. The italics of the final line seem a bit dramatic for my taste, but I generally just don't mess with formatting unless it's to note dialogue. The single sentiment in this stanza is pretty clear despite poetic exposure/a lack thereof. It's easy mode. My only remaining wish-wash is the redundancy of brittle/delicate. Again, they change by maybe one or two degrees of superlative connotations. Despite this, again, I like the flow it allows. I'm generally all about flow, so if you can't replace one with something better, leave it.

I hope you don't mind a review that's just analysis. I don't get to enjoy this very often.

Hey, nycto!

Welcome to YWS! Now, about your poem.

Nitpicks: I don't know if you were going for the all-lowercase thing, but I think you should change "i" to "I". Also, for me I think that using "&" for "and" kind of threw me off. Just one more thing: maybe you could change "inside you" (which I loved italicized by the way) to "inside of you". Those are the only things, and if you like it this way, then I guess I'll have to deal with it.

Positive comments: I was absolutely in love with the imagery and the vocabulary in your poem. It made me think of being on a boat on a lake outside of a small town, looking up at the stars or something where you're just able to think about everything uninterrupted.

I do have a question. I don't really understand this line: "to find god or God or whoever"...why did you put a lowercase g and then a capital G? Either I'm just not getting it, or it doesn't make sense...I don't know.

I really enjoyed reading this poem; I loved the idea. I think it has great potential!

-Savvy