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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey nutmegan,
First up, I love the concept behind this piece. Emotion drugs are a very interesting concept, and there is a lot of room for you to play with them and their effects. I like how you're contrasting the two ends of society and how the emotions affect each end - I'm guessing the rest of the story here will play with both parts, and link them up somehow later on. I'm interested to find out how that works out.
Ok, so. I love the ideas, but I've got a few pointers on how you could improve the way you convey the ideas to the reader. The main idea here is that old and somewhat cliché-feeling mantra, show don't tell. Just saying it feels a bit worn, but it really is an important idea to keep in mind.
In terms of applying the idea to this piece in particular, I'd point to places such as the last paragraph of the Celestial Tier section, and Ector's interaction with his mother. In the Celestial Tier section, you've written an interesting dialogue-exchange that briefly introduces the Celestial characters' attitudes well, but then you cram all the action of the scene's end into this one paragraph. If you spread this out a little more, and perhaps show us the picture screen and the speakers through the characters' actions, you could make it feel a little less info-dump, and really drag the reader into the scene.
I'd also like to suggest splitting up some of these paragraphs. As a rough rule of thumb, it helps to start a new paragraph when the action changes significantly. For example, at the start of the Tellurian level:
Here we have several things happening: Ector's mother speaks, Ector sees that his mother has arrived, we describe Ector's mother, Ector greets his mother and discovers she's been shooting up. This is quite a lot to cram into one paragraph, and a casual reader might miss important bits of this (because for the most part, readers don't intently take in every single word on a page). I would start a new paragraph when we move from introducing Ector's mother to Ector grabbing her sleeve, for example. Because this is an action-change from "Action One: Mother's Arrival" to "Action Two: Ector Greets Mother", it makes sense to put a break in.
So, those were my main points. Other than that, just a few little comments:
-- Other people have mentioned that you're introducing a lot of characters in a very short space of time. I read this as focusing on Kara and Ector as the main two, and assuming you plan to develop them more in the story to come, I wouldn't have too much of a complaint about the many names, although if you could make the main ones stand out from the others a little more, it probably wouldn't hurt.
-- Then, on an almost line-by-line basis: the exchange between Anne and Kingston could use a little clarity. At the moment, Anne starts a conversation about the party, and Kingston responds with a comment about the potency of the emotion-drugs. A couple more words in these sentences could clear up the ambiguity.
-- And finally, one little thing that bugged me slightly: Kara's line "I'm so bubbly!" feels...forced. It doesn't feel like something a person would naturally say. Something like "I feel so fidgety!" or "I really want to dance!" would feel a bit more natural. Try saying lines of dialogue out loud to get a feel for what would seem realistic, perhaps.
Overall, though, as I said, I really like this. I hope you're planning to write and post more!
I have some issues with loyalty.
Leading with a full name introduction never gets my rooting juices going. I always feel that authors should worry less about what their characters are called, and more about why I should care about their white fictional asses. Cocktail parties while nice are not making me feel like Miss Masden needs my concern, especially when she seems to be riding the 9.30 High Train to Drugtown. However I may guess that you're trying to contrast her cotton-esque existance with the lower echelons of your world. If so, I'd try to get me to care about lil' ol' Ector first. Have you ever seen "Kiki's Delivery Service"? It makes us fall in love with a dear old grandma who Kiki busts her ass for, to help make her grand-daughter a mother-f***ing pie for her birthday (Even though Kiki has a date!) and one broken oven, ruined date, and one soaked and aching heroine later; the pie gets delivered. Only to have it rejected by the stuck up cow, causing the audience to shout "F***ing B**ch!" at the top of their voices, if you want hatred...make a pie...a metaphorical one.
personially i don't agree completely with what the others said. I actually really enjoyed that ^_^.. hehe... he took some extra patience that morning. Actually, I loved it! You should keep going, for my sake
Its a good story so far, but I think you need to tell us more about the characters. For instince what does Kara look like?
There is a lot of ways that you can go with a story like this. It has a lot of potential.
Little hard to follow. Have you posted part of the story before this one? I feel as though i've picked it up from halfway through and have no idea who the characters are. I think I get a bit of an idea about where you're going with this, and as i read it reminds me of something from Star Trek. I like how you've broken up the point of views. Good idea.
I hope as it gets further into the story we learn more about the Celestial Level and the Tellurian Level and the whole layout of the place - if it is one place.... xD