Published October 16, 2011
Celestial Level
Kara Madsen entered the ballroom through a cloud of smoke and instantly her mood was lifted. Someone handed her a glass of champagne, but she did not even see them. Everyone at the party was sipping bubbly drinks and breathing in the white fog that filled the room. The Madsens held this party every year, to show off the newest formulas. This year Bliss was being showcased.
“Isn’t this the best party ever?” Anne Park murmured to the group of teenagers around her. Kara sat in the chair next to Anne and leaned forward to hear the conversation over the hum of the party.
“Last year’s was good too,” Kingston Gray replied. “But I think this air is much more potent.” Kingston leaned back in his chair and smiled. He ran a hand through his copper hair, his eyelids slightly closing.
“I’ll get us each a pack for when school starts,” Kara said.
“Good,” Anne replied. “That store-brand stuff is so lame. I have to be constantly smoking it to feel anything.” Everyone in the group nodded and took a few deep breaths.
“I’m so hyper!” Kara suddenly exclaimed. She jumped out of her seat and grabbed Anne’s hands. “Let’s go dance!” Kara led her friend through the white fog. One wall was entirely a picture screen that showed dancing colors and abstract images. The speakers at the top and bottom of the wall blasted high energy music. The two girls screamed as they danced with their hands in the air. Their shouts were drowned out by the music; and everyone in the room was too involved with their own emotions to care.
Terra Level
Sirens blared from seemingly all directions. Ector pulled his hood closer to his face. He stepped toward the fire pit. On either side people huddled around similar fires. Farther up the street a few people were peddling bags of orange powder, but Ector tried to ignore them.
“Ector?” a voice came from behind the boy. “Are you okay?” Ector turned to see his mother standing a few feet from him. Her eyes were rimmed with red and her skin was tight and sunken.
Ector grabbed his mom’s sleeve and pushed it up above the elbow. There they were: the little black dots that proved she had been shooting up. By the way her eyes kept darting around and her jumpiness, Ector guessed she had done a cocktail of whatever emotions she could get her hands on.
“Mom, you need to sit down.” Ector took his water bottle and handed it to Elsie once she sat in front of the fire. Elsie suddenly burst into tears when Ector sat across from her. Ector shook his head, but he did not feel concern for his mother. Ector did not use emotions—not after seeing what they did to his mother. For days or weeks at a time Elsie would be on a binge of any emotions she could afford.
“Why do you buy that stuff?” Ector muttered. Elsie just sobbed harder.
* * * * * * * *
Ector ran his finger over the grooves in the desk while the teacher droned on. The teachers did not live on the Terra Level—most of them came from One, the first level of the giant buildings. Once, a few students managed to sneak through the doors as a teacher entered Terra. They were on Level One for three days before the badges found them. The badges took them away, never to be heard from again.
“Ector,” Isaac Waits whispered. Ector turned around and saw a bunch of tiny blue pills in Isaac’s open hand. “Want some?”
“No,” Ector replied firmly and turned back around. Isaac’s father was a garbage collector for Madsen Labs, so he had access to the old versions of emotions and the ones that did not work right. Isaac usually stole a few from his dad’s stash and would try them out in different combinations.
“It’s just Tranquility,” Isaac said, poking Ector in the back. “The worst that can happen is you pass out for a few hours.” Ector stood up and walked out of the room. The teacher continued talking as if nothing had transpired because he had taken an extra dose of Patience that morning.
Celestial Level
Kara leaned against the window and opened the yellow carton of cigarettes. She pulled out two pale yellow sticks. Anne took one and leaned in for Kara to light it. After putting the lighter back in her bag, Kara pressed her hand against the window. The glass was warm and almost opaque. The gold surface only let in light—Kara could not see what was on the other side.
“I hate biology,” Anne muttered as she put the cigarette to her lips. She leaned her head back and blew smoke at the ceiling vent. It recycled the air and flushed the smoke outside.
“At least your dad owns the news company. If I fail bio my dad’ll take a whole bottle of red pills.” As the cigarettes kicked in, Kara’s voice trailed off. The people passing on the hallway faded. The only image in Kara’s mind was one of the human skeletal system. The two girls no long talked. They did not even bother to smoke anymore. They leaned against the glass wall with glazed over eyes and an intent focus on anatomy.
“Let’s go,” Anne finally said and stood up. Anne pressed her hand to a panel in the window. The hallway car stopped in front of them and the two girls got on. They grabbed the railing on the side of the car. “School,” Anne said and the car zoomed down the corridor to another tower.
Level Two
The door hissed open and Edward Grath turned up his nose at the sight. There were pill bottles spilling from the coffee table onto the floor. Papers were strewn everywhere, most of them crumpled into tiny balls. Grath picked up one sheet of paper and looked at the tiny scrawled writing.
In the back of the apartment was a tiny kitchen that had only a small table and one chair which had fallen on its side. Empty vials and used syringes lay on the table next to spoiled food. Under the table was a man who had passed out hours ago. Grath took a fresh syringe and full vial of Motivation from the cupboard and stuck the needle in the unconscious man’s neck. A few seconds after Grath pushed the plunger the man awoke. He tried to stand so abruptly he hit his head against the underside of the table and the vials crashed to the tile floor.
The man pushed past Grath and dug through a pile of papers in his living room. He picked one up, read it, and tossed it toward the sofa. He continued this pattern until Grath grabbed his arm and stopped him.
“Dr. Ambrose,” Grath said sternly, “You are needed in the lab.”
“No,” Rohan Ambrose muttered. “A formula. I was working on a new formula.” He yanked his arm away from Grath and continued searching for the right paper. He was so close last night to the perfect formula. He knew that he could bottle despair. It was just a matter of the correct combination of brain chemicals that would take time. “The lab.” Rohan turned to Grath. “I need to go to the lab.”
* * * * * * * *
The other scientists at Madsen Labs kept their distance from Rohan as he tried to recreate the formula for Despair. Rohan designed every basic emotion and the other scientists increased potency or edited formulas based on market demand. They all worked without the use of emotions. Rohan, when he was sober, thought of them as the robots. They used no innovation and simply maximized the formula he developed.
A lab technician brought the chemicals Rohan had ordered to his lab bench. “What new formula are you trying?” the technician asked Rohan. “Dr. Ambrose?” he repeated when Rohan did not even look up from the microscope. The technician frowned and thought perhaps the doctor was hard of hearing. He tapped Rohan on the shoulder and said his name again. After two more failed attempts to get Rohan’s attention, the technician walked away in a huff.
Terra Level
Instead of going to school, Ector took a shift emptying the incinerators. His mother felt sick without a steady stream of emotions in her system and was in no state to work. Someone had to keep up the rations of food and clothing.
Ector pressed his thumb against the guard’s scanner as he approached the incineration building. Instead of questioning why Ector was not in school, the guard nodded and sent him along the line. The majority of people cleaning at the incinerators were children. A few boys even younger than Ector also worked in place of family members. When they entered the building, an adult handed each person a bucket and a shovel and pointed to an incineration room. The entire building was supposed to be turned off when workers were inside, but Ector had heard rumors of people dying if the fires started unexpectedly.
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Hi I'm sorry I couldn't review your piece earlier but my computer got a virus and it was a whole big mess. Anyway I am here now and ready to review
Before I even begin, I want to say thank you for giving me a reasonable sized post to read. The last thing I reviewed was very well written but at least 9000 words in one post. I just wanted to say thank you for not over doing it lol.
small stuff
The Madsens held this party every year, to show off the newest formulas.
I think the flow of this sentence would improve without the comma.
This year Bliss was being showcased.
Maybe a comma after "year". Just, once again, for the flow. This is a matter of opinion though so if you want it to remain as is, that's fine too.
Anne Park murmured to the group of teenagers
Personally, the word murmured is kind of... annoying. When I think murmur, I think like saying something only you can hear. At least for me, that's what I think. So maybe replace that word with something else. Once again, this is a matter of opinion. It's just I felt like I should say something. But seriously, it's no big deal.
He ran a hand through his copper hair, his eyelids slightly closing.
"slightly closing" is a little awkward.
There they were: the little black dots that proved she had been shooting up.
I wasn't sure if you wanted the : or you meant it to be a ;. I wasn't sure so I just wanted to bring it to your attention; just in case.
Ector guessed she had done a cocktail of whatever emotions she could get her hands on.
“Mom, you need to sit down.” Ector took his water bottle and handed it to Elsie once she sat in front of the fire.
Nothing wrong with this; I just wanted to say how powerful this felt to me. It reminded me of the life of kids who's parents do drugs (that I have seen/red of anyway).
BIG STUFF
I really got to hand it to you; this is very, very good. I like the contrast that you used in both the physical and the figurative since. Like with the literal separation of floors in a building and the social separation between classes. Also, the figurative since of the rich girls leading a sheltered life and in the literal since of them not being able to see outside the window. I really enjoyed the dark and light side of "emotions" between the two gropes of people in the different classes (similar to modern drugs). I thought it interesting the way the "emotions" worked and how they effected the people who used them. Also, I liked the technology used like with the girls studding through smoking a cigarette. Then the way you showed the character of the one kid Ector, and how he would work in the place of his mom. I'm sorry if i was being petty with the other stuff above but I wanted to give you as accurate of a review as I could and help in anyway possible especially with me making you wait and all.
Once again, I want to apologize for making you wait and if you get the chance, would you mind reviewing my current work? If you get the chance:)
work.php?id=96135
PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHEN MORE COMES OUT OF YOUR STORY!!!
It tis an intriguing So intriguing that *waves at episode of Doctor Who* Imma just post that on your wall or sommet.
AnyWhovian, my comments, for the most part, are much like reasons. Too many characters to all be introduced so early without much detail. If you're really sold on the time frame, then you really have to pack in development, which... I'm not seeing. Not to mention it'd be hard to figure out the difference between the characters for most people.
Yatta yayya repetitive jabber
Speaking of repetitive
This is a bit've a confusing moment with the head and the hand and the head-handing and the repetition of the hand word.
Other'n that, the story seems very interesting and all that good stuff. Obviously, the idea of emotions as drugs is awesome. And ye seem to be onto something with the stuff... yeah....
It's an intriguing piece. Definitely original, the idea of using emotions as a substance. Now, getting down to the gritty I wondered if it was necessary to have such a large cast in the first installment.
We meet: Kara Madsen, Anne Park, Kingston Gray, Ector, Elsie, Oren, and Isaac Waits. To be honest, I was a bit overwhelmed.
Furthermore, while I dig keeping it light on the details: I didn't have anything to go on for their appearances and due to the massive amount of characters there was little character development. Before I could come to care for any character, it shifted to a different scene.
Exposition rather than showing the reader and allowing them to foster their own thoughts on the situation dominated this piece.
Certain portions didn't make much sense until I reached the end such as:
Here, I was thinking perhaps they were talking party until they brought up formula. I jumped on the assumption that they were talking about the champagne and only realized they were talking about emotions when Ector brought up Isaac's father.
Speaking of Ector, it was a dramatic shift to go from a light party to a darker scene. Without much time to become attached, it was difficult for me to feel much sympathy towards his situation simply because it was much too abrupt.
I would've liked larger breaks between the paragraphs. It would be easier on my eyes, but that's honestly a minor detail. Overall, I feel you could break the larger passages into more palatable fragments.
This has great potential: however, it feels heavy with too many ideas that required either more time to develop or to have been isolated to elaborate on the set circumstances.