Published August 12, 2007
I slammed the door in Lambchops blood covered face and rampaged out of the corpse filled bungalow with rage. I couldn’t believe he would do such a thing but after second, third and fourth thoughts I accepted it a something he’s pretty likely to do. As soon as I’m standing on the path with the chewing gum stuck to it like grey polka dots. After this I reach into my back pocket to get my mobile out but it wasn’t there. I don’t worry and instead I grab my MP3 out of my hoodie and fiddle with the earphones until they’re properly in my ears. I do this quite swiftly and sprint round the corner out of the dirty estate I had lived in for the past six months. Grubby little children stare at me but I don’t stop running. I speed up the small road that all the estates branch off from. I don’t stop once until I have reached the little park I used to go to when I was three or four. I remember my old foster parent, Steve, pushing me on the swing which creaked in time with the to and fro swaying. Win Butlers voice fills my heart with emotion as i listen to 'Intervention' by Arcade Fire once more while i walk briskly to the slide that sits on the wee green slope. before i can even say beutiful there is a beutiful girl sitting there, her knees sticking up and her arms wrapped round them loosely. i ignore her and sit down on the metalic sloping surface of the slide.suddenly ag great downpour dropped from the dark sky and my feelings becme less numb. it dawned on me that im never going to back there and my life will be changed forever once again. anger overcomes me, but i dont have the slightest clue why. i mean they werent my family were they? it puzzles me how they even had the idea to adopt me in the first place. i look round at the girl, the sides of her face are covered with chocolate brown hair and bold blue eyes. turnig my head again, i hear a mumble, 'must be her trying to talk to me' i say into myself. im not really in the mood for talking so i just press my thin index finger on the volume button and continue ignoreing her in peace. then Canon rock came on and i shake my head to the extatic giutar tune.
the thin, brown haired girl stared in amazement, probably not seeing the wires coming out of my hoodie. her facial expressions were confused nd befuddled twisted in with a of ' is he mad' kind of look. i just turn up the volume while she puts up a umbrella. stretching out my long lean legs i recline myself into a lying position and lay there as if i was dead. i wished i was dead. flowing rain water rolled down the slope of the slide but became absorbed by the thick fabric of my warm cosy hoodie. i wallowed like a pig in the water. she really thought i was a maniac. that was a good thing!
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Crewgurl, I hope you meant 40,000 to 70,000 WORDS, not PAGES, right? *grins hopefully* otherwise I've never read a single full novel.
Anyway, I agree with what above critiquers said. This isn't long enough for a full chapter, and you have some errors that could be easily rectified by checking the spelling before you post.
Also, since this is just one looong block of text, you might try breaking it up, putting spaces in between the paragraphs like I am.
Anyway, keep on writing!
~Madame Kool
Oh! and you say I a bit too much!
It was okay... short for a chapter in a novel. A novel is usually is 40,000-70,000 pages. Maybe you should consider making it a shortstory... unless you do about ten more years of writing and developing the craft, it's not going to be a novel. Not that it's a bad idea, but writing a novel is a lot of blood, sweat, tears, and time! I'd start it now, put it in a safe place, and go back to it when you're older and have more skill and time. You don't have to do that though. For all I know, you could finish it at age 13 and be richer than J.K. Rowling!
Luv, peace, and the whole shpeel,
Crewgurl
I lied it way more than I thought I would. Uh, first of all, check grammar and whatnot. Theres a spell check button at the bottom and just use taht before you post. The first three or so sentances were really confusing but the rest I liked... Really, alot. I don't know why but it was just good... Hm... Post more!
~Pol~
Not badly written, but extremely short. This isn't a chapter, it's a paragraph. Write more before you post. You make us wonder about the bungalow but you stop there. Why?! Describe more of the scene. Take your time. I know you're excited to get your thoughts on paper, but you need to slow down and make this a story and avoid writing a 'shopping list'.
Good luck! I hope you post more!
~Helmet~
First of all, welcome to YWS! Remember to rate your story, because then it'll appear on the front page and everyone will be able to see it. Also, I'm going to move this to "Other Fiction" where it should be, partly because more people will read it and partly because it is a fiction story.
This doesn't seem like a first chapter. You're going to want to put a snazzy cliffhanger at the end, or something more conclusive that makes us want to read more. To continue it, consider, what are her thoughts as she remembers Steve pushing? What is she so upset about? There's a lot of action in the beginning, but you may want to tell us more about her thoughts so you can clue in the reader on what's happening.
Anyway, good luck!
ok, first, when you start a novel- since this is the first Chapt, you need to GRAB the readers attention, make them want to read, get them curious- and aside from some grammer errors, don't see any other errors- but im really really tired also so.. yea..