She stands before me
clad in copper and chestnut,
shod feet light upon fresh grass
As if brushed by a breath of wind
her tail gently flicks,
wary of my cumbersome self
Her lovely head drops
in a gesture of peace and solemnity,
her gaze wise and curious
A restful sigh from her velvet nose,
to which each whisker softly bows
and vivid blades quietly yield
My breath hangs between us
like a curtain,
suspended a moment before curling away.
The SHHH of a bird
startles us
heart skips
And in that frozen moment
a silent raindrop trembles on her forelock,
crisp and clear in a ray of winter sun
Before she is gone in one fluid surge,
leaving my misted breath adrift
and my heart to resume.
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140,799 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hello noni, Subtle here for a review on review day! The imagery here is absolutely.....it just left me breathless. It is very very vivid and beautiful, the use of metaphors and similes just paints a wonderful picture in the reader's mind. The topic you have chosen to right is also a very unique one, a poem about an encounter with a strange creature and one written so well. So, brownie points for that!
Simply beautiful....just beautiful.
Do you how good this was, I actually held my breath when reading this poem and let it out at the last line. I was completely absorbed into the story, the ending was amazing as well. Is a gentle but nonetheless, beautiful ending.
I love your poem, really. I enjoyed reading this very much.
-S.s
Hi there!
Well for this review day I officially give you the award for Most Beautiful Poem I Have Read So Far (*crowd applauds*) I personally thought this was breathtaking. I am by no means a good poetry writer and my work pales to comparison to this.
I loved how refreshingly new this was, because there's a lot of poems about love and tragedy and stuff out there and this is just simply about a horse (or deer) in one perfect moment. Your imagery is amazing and it gives you a vivid picture in your head.
My favorite stanza;
My feet are planted firmly in the mud
but this isn’t a game. My head is heavy.
I want to escape, but the clouds of dreams
are so tiresome. I want to build my house on rock.
Overall, beautiful and the imagery splendid.
Keep up the good work,
LGF
Hi there!
I feel quite impressed with the imagery you gave in the poem. I did not expect you can make a horse as a source of inspiration. Even you give a great descriptions on her. The mare is illustrated with figurative language that can makes the reader admire on her beauty. Also be a sign on how much the poet admiring her until she becomes as an inspiration within the poem itself. At first, calling her as a 'beast' seem a bit harsh, but according to some dictionaries they become receivable: Beast~Animal nature as opposed to intellect or spirit: "So far the beast in us has insisted upon having its full say" (William Dean Howells).
The poet does not tell the truth openly about what exactly this creature is. I just saw on the reply to a comment below. But based on this stanza, I began to feel it really is a horse! Other animals may be quite difficult to approached.
Some parts showing a clear message about the nature and behavior of the mare itself. But there was a relatively obscure, where I lost the sense for a moment of it.
* Does it mean that she lost in the blink of an eye (suddenly; quickly)?
Overall, it was an unexpected encounter, happen quickly but quite meaningful. I see the strength of its own. It was enthralling.
Keep writing!
hi Dreamwork,
In answer to your question, I was trying to convey that not only did the mare leave very suddenly, but she left with notable grace and power...if you kinda get me?
By 'blades' I mean blades of grass... sorry It's a bit confusing
And I also know what you mean about using the word beast. I guess I was thinking that we have a connection with everything around us, even what we deem to be wild and untameable...
thanks for the feedback
Awe, I see the point! Thanks for explaining
Hello, Noni!
Rachel here to review!
I want to start off by saying that this is a very pretty piece you've written. The word choice was great, and the rhythm was very smooth. Great job.
One nitpick:
I don't really know what animal this is you're seeing- I'm assuming it's a deer, since they are so commonly seen? If you could somehow elaborate to make it known what this "beast" is, I think it could really help your piece.
This is a great work, overall. You've managed to create 8 stanzas(24 lines) about an event that took place in a matter of seconds. Great job on the imagery and feeling you created here. Excellent.
Keep writing!
-Rae
thanks RachelLeeAnn!
The animal I had pictured was actually a horse, but it really could be a number of animals I suppose. I'm not too fussed about what animal the reader sees as long as they can see it clearly
haha and yes, I often tend to make my writing a bit long-winded
thanks again
That is very well worded, nothing bad is really needed to be critiqued or criticised in your work. Sounds like a very bitter sweet moment. May use a few more full stops to show the end of a verse though. Overall a very well written.
cheers