The Autumn moon hung brightly shining,
through the blue-black sky,
I saw him with his sister stars,
he saw me with his eye;
The wind, though it hid from me,
coughed as it went by,
I heard it's outward whistle,
and I felt it's inward sigh.
The Lady night her perfume,
of air, earth and tree,
told me of her ventures,
and the wonders she could see;
The clouds slowly sliding,
up high, drifting free,
escaped my reach like wisps of thought,
tantalising me.
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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Hey there noni!
I have to say I really like the personification of the night sky, you pulled it off really well and with original ideas of the features of the sky! I also like your strange rhyming pattern!
Just a few nit picks:
1)
Would make more sense as "through the dark-blue sky"
2)You need to capitalize the first letter of each line, one of those weird poetry rules.
That's about it! Very good work!
See ya!
Hey Noni
To start with, your title is very attractive and nice!
It gives alot of meaning.
'The Autumn moon hung brightly shining,
through the blue-black sky,
I saw him with his sister stars,
he saw me with his eye;
The wind, though it hid from me,
coughed as it went by,
I heard it's outward whistle,
and I felt it's inward sigh.'
This a beautiful stanza. In short, your beginning is very strong.
Keep writing.
Love,
Krish
Thankyou
You're welcome
This is a very beautiful poem with wonderful imagery. The first three lines:
Already creates a picturesque night sky for the readers, reeling them in for more. My favourite line is the third one, 'I saw him with his sister stars'. That's a unique and lovely description of the moon and the star.
This describes the wind well, rough but also soft at the same time. Already, your first stanza has a steady rhythm, beautiful word choice and has created a tapestry of the night sky. Let us move onto the second stanza.
How clever it is to describe the scent of air, earth and tree as perfume and to dubbed the night as a Lady! Simply magnificent!
Your ending is wonderful too, ending this poem on a nice soft note. Especially the use of 'wisps of thought' it really gives the poem an ethereal feeling. However, the only suggestion I'd make here is changing 'escaped' to escaping. Just to make it more 'here' than in the past.
Nice job! I truly enjoyed reading this!
-L
Thanks heaps Laure!!
I appreciate your review so much!
Always my pleasure.
This is a simply lovely poem, and firstly I would like to compliment you on your rhymes. None of the rhymes seem at all forced, and some are simply lovely, "sigh" being one of them. The steady rhyme system and the and the regular line length means that this has a sslightly lullaby feeling. My favorite line was "escaped my reach like wisps of thought. " It is almost like a common simile turned upside down. Normally I would expect the simile to be "thoughts escaping like wisps of smoke". Very well done on that score!
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Thankyou so much for reviewing!!