I'll breathe
before I run again.
Lure me in
before I wake up
and this moment's
just a passing dream.
Your eyes call me,
make me long for more.
Are they drifting my way?
Or is the light just playing
tricks on me again?
Live your life,
full of nonsensical things
crossing your path today.
I wonder if I'll ever
be more than just
a speck of dirt to you.
My naive heart
sees only delusions.
My brain sees
the twisted void
beyond the attractive facade.
That's just you.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,829 Reviews
I'll have to disagree with xanthan on one point: I rather like your opening lines. They are forceful or passionate or intricate, but in a very subtle way, they're incredibly profound. I do agree with the 'just' thing, though, and I have to say that I don't really like the last stanza at all. It feels almost disconnected from the rest - as does the second half of the penultimate stanza. Before, the poem has a sort of hopeful, anxious tone - you know, that "maybe today" mentality. By the line "I wonder if I'll ever," the poem just takes a turn for negativity-ville, and much to its detriment. The beginning and first few stanzas are really very good. Maybe try to extend that, instead of lapsing into hopelessness?
And please, please, please - no "poor, stupid heart." Judging by the rest of the poem, you're far beyond that.
Hm. Just, just, just. I was hoping you would use this to your advantage at the end, as you, in a way, belittling the "you" - in fact, you still can use it to you advantage. But if you do not use this artisitic tactic, then I fear it's just useless repetition.