The Wait

I liked this one a lot, although it seemed void of rhythym and rhyme (sorry for the spellings). It seemed sort of unweildy, but the effect that it got across was very good. I must say, good job. I likes the poem and it kept me interested. I liked it.

I like the sort of double meaning you have going here. There are a few words which dont seem to fit, like Meshy said, but otherwise a great (and intriguing) piece.

The biting cold
jarred the habit-driven masses
out of their waking dreamland.

Mm. Tone is a bit...savage, lol. Maybe it's the combination of "biting" and "jarred" and "masses" (which is so often used in a derrogatory sense) that gives me the image of someone being slighlty nasty (i.e. satirical) but if that's not the kind of effect you're going for I suggest a change in wording. Also, the line breaks here are a little stilted. You might want to work on smoothing them out.

The chatter grew
as minutes passed
and their chariot had not yet arrived
to take them to the coming day
still shrouded in mist.

Again, I think "chatter" stands out a bit -- it doesnt seem to be the right word here. It's up to you, of course, but something about the coincidence of "chatter" and "chariot" makes it seem...weird. LOL. Also, I think the third line is a bit long in relation to the first two, and the sentence there is a bit of a run-on. Any way you could trim it down a bit?

“Why wait?” some said,
taking a different route to misery.

The rest simply stood there,
looking to bright lights in the distance,
grumbling that they had no other choice.

And I agree with Mesh (again) here - both of these stanzas are pretty much excellent. Nice strong finish to a nice, strong poem. Kudos!



Cheers,
~bubbles

Tae! I know I haven't been in poetry forums in a while, but it's good to see some familiar faces here!

heehee, the first stanza sounds like me in the morning when dad turns off the heat. Now! Is there a better way you can start, then "the biting cold"? Narrative is meant to tell a story, so tell it! Don't just tell me (ah, ok that doesn't sound right) it's cold, show me! Is there ice on something? Can you see someone's breath?

The second and third stanzas are similar in that they talk about talking (I'm on a roll today, it seems), but just "chatter" has the same effect as "biting" -- not much. This is narrative, so expand! Be verbose! Then cut the poem down to size.

But leave the third stanza as it is. I love it that way. It just says so much to me and *shudder* I like it. The last stanza, too, I like. Those I'd leave intact, but expand more in the beginning -- it'll give the last two lines more punch.

And I have to say -- interesting choice of subject