Published December 21, 2005
I wrote this as a Christmjas present for my mother. It iis printed on clear glass with a picture of me.
A mother is someone to lean on.
A mother is someone to clean up your messes.
A mother is someone to take care of you.
But you, Mom, are so much more.
You are my best friend,
My role model
And although I've never told you this,
You are who I want to be.
I am blessed to have a mother like you
To model myself after.
A mother to share both heartaches and joys with
As I walk upon the stepping stones of life.
And as I enter society,
I want to always remember
That you were the one who guided me
And the one who held my hand along the way.
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i think its sweet! lol and all i got my mum was some more tea towels...just kidding! thats really cute and im sure you mum is going to love it
I couldn't figure out how to fix the first stanza. Tell me what you think of the other changes.
A mother is someone to lean on.
A mother is someone to clean up your messes.
A mother is someone to take care of you.
But you, Mom, are so much more.
You are my best friend.
You are my role model
And although I've never told you this,
You are who I want to be.
I am blessed to have a mother like you
To shape myself after.
A mother to share both heartaches and joys with
As I walk the streets of the "real world".
And as I enter the world as an adult,
I will always remember
That you were the one who guided me
And the one who held my hand along the way.
Thank you! Updated version on the way.
I found it a little clichéd and soppy... but then, that might be good for your mission! At least it's not death poetry.
Moving on!
For some reason, I think this would be better rhymed. This seems to be a little Hallmark-cardish, but at the same time, it doesn't really seem like that because it's lacking a rhyme. Which makes it sound weird. And the metering sounds off too. Count the syllables, and then see whether the poem makes sense or not.
For some reason, I don't really quite like starting the next line with "my." It seems to break up what you started in the first stanza. Maybe, "You are my role model." I don't know... it sounds a little awkward.
The last line seems gag-worthy to me. But, knowing mothers, she'll be tickled pink.
Think about changing the words "model" and "stepping stones of life." It seems too... clichéd.
Don't even think about it... change the word society. It just seems gad awful...
You want to remember, or you will remember?
Aw... holding hands.
"He lets us fall so we can learn to get up."
Yeah... hope that helps somewhat maybe!
Thank you. It took me about thirty pieces of paper before I was happy with it. And I know it's cliche...
Couldn't help it.. I read it out loud and I was crying...
The message in itself is lovely, and the poem (although, gotta say, it is a tiny bit cliche) is very sweet. I'm no grammar queen so I cant really help you out there, although I noticed no glaring errors...structure was good. Yes. Overall a very nice poem. Brought tears to my eyes, as a lot of it is pretty much the way I feel about my mum. A wonderful gift
Thanks. What do you think of the message, the grammar, the structure?
Your mom's going to like this...