Greed

I just loved this short poem. There were just really good lines so let me go over them.

First, I like how you compared Greed to a goblin. In some mythology's goblins hoard gold, treasure, and whatnots.

''Leading us away from honesty
And hard work''

Greed has that effect on people. It can make you care less, work less, and even lie just to get you what you want. It can make even the honest people turn into wolves.

Don't use the phrases 'hardworking' and 'hard work' in the same stanza. It's clunkyish.

It's not the greatest poem ever, definitely very clichèd, but it takes a lot of random crud to make something cool...

I would trim this stanza down, if only to give it more of a metered feel:

At even the most hardworking person.

It just seems too long.

Bubble said what I was going to say.

I think you could do more than "takes us over". A goblin, to me, is sly. Use more words to reflect the tone and feeling you want us to get. Rather than "leading us away" use a phrase that's more vivid.

In the second stanza, you have two different metaphors. Greed is a monster, and greed is a ghost.

You improved it from the first. Poetry isn't really my thing, so I can't help you very much. But, keep writing and revising and revising and revising...It's so much fun!

~Jacquie~

This is very immature. The topic is, well, badly presented. True, you did personify greed, which is a step, but this is not what I would consider mediocre. This is good for a beginner, but I suggest in the future you forget trying to write about a single emotion, as you can't know how it effects everyone and will never write a poem that will touch everyone. Nevertheless, carry on, young soul.

I really am terrible at writing poetry, but I really enjoyed this one. Like they've said, you give greed a personality, which is quite effective. Write on!

I definitely think this is an improvement. Your second stanza fits nicely with the first and 'takes over' is a good replacement for 'washes over'. Overall, a great effort, definitely some interesting analogies going on there. I have to agree with convintojm about the sense of inexperience that comes through here, although again that isnt really a bad thing. Your approach could use some polishing but you managed to improve this poem really well so I'm sure we'll be seeing great things from you in the near future. I havent really any more comments to make on the revised version, so I shall simply say this: above all things, KEEP WRITING!
Cheers,
~bubble

i think the revision was an improvement but i guess this very inexpereinced feel off your work which is perfectly ok if you're new. i knew it took me months of writing to become anything close to decent so it's hard at first but i also think with a little more time you could show great improvement just judging off your ability to improve this poem. so basically i think you've got potential and you shoudl just write like crazy and you coudl be better.

Many thx for the comments...I tried to rewrite, lmk what you think...


Greed is a goblin
That takes over us,
Leading us away from honesty
And hard work
And into cheating and
Caring only for ourselves.
Greed's clutches snatch
At even the most hardworking person.

Greed is a monster
It haunts and stalks us
Destroying our feelings
And pushing us to desperate measures
Greed makes us unappreciative
And unloving.
Greed is a silent ghost,
Following us everywhere

Is this finished? It could be just me but it seems to stop rather abruptly...

Greed is a goblin,
That washes over us,
Leading us away from honesty
And hard work

I like the comparison to a goblin, it makes Greed seem alive and yet also kind of creepy and spooky, you know? But I think you need to change your wording here, because Goblins dont "wash over" people. It doesnt follow, particularly when just one line later you have it "leading us away", which personifies it again. I'd say you shouldnt mix your metaphors. It seems kind of strange.

And into cheating and caring
Only for ourselves.
Greed's clutches snatch
At even the most hardworking person.

"Caring" should be on the next line, as it seems like a complete non sequitur until you read "only for ourselves", and it makes the poem choppy. I like the second to last line - it brings in the goblin of greed again and follows that analogy through nicely. Its just "wash" that is out of place. I understand what you're trying to paint but you need to find another way of putting it.

Overall, its OK. But it just kind of sits there, if you know what I mean. I'd like to see you rewrite it, making it longer and changing it so that you show instead of tell what greed is like. I mean, you could start with "It is a goblin..." etc. or something, and let the reader work it out for themselves. As it is there is not much depth to it. I'm not saying its terrible, just that you need to start thinking outside the box - there's more than one way to skin a cat, and more than one way to describe something than just by listing its attributes.