Kelsey

I think it's pretty good

I liked it until 'with girls in small tops'... kinda killed my feeling of the poem but I really like your beginning and the rhyming is pretty good. It's a little bit off at 'the only one who' but who wants perfection anyway?

Hello!

I really like this poem! Although it is a little short, so maybe write more next time? Anyways, this poem is one of my favorites! its written nicely, and I don't see any grammer mistakes! So bravo. I love your writting style, I wish there was more to this poem though, it is making me wonder what happened!

Over all, this is a lovely poem and I hope to read more of your work soon!


Xoxoxoxos,

Katy

I love this poem in this length. Short and graceful, I think. I also love the rhyming that you did, it's well-written. Well, done!

Hey, HT here to review.

Let me just say, finally someone who has a set rhyme pattern. No offense is meant to those of you who do not do rhyme patterns, I just love them, that's all.

Normally I really chew people out for repetition, since I was taught that in grammar, it's a big no-no(and that just sorta stuck with me) but there is the rare occasion where the repetition works for the literary work rather than against it. This is one of those times.

You managed to both get your meaning across to the reader and convey the exact emotion of the piece all in one, that is a writing gift that you should treasure.

Just a few things that I think would make your work better. I would like to introduce you to my friends, the comma, colon, and semicolon. Typically in most poetry, whenever there is a punctuation mark then that is where the line ends. Another typical rule of thumb in lyrical poetry ties into that; always place a punctuation mark at the end of the line.

Lastly, there was one thing that I really didn't understand completely (once you get to know me you'll find that such an occurrence is not rare). What exactly did you mean in the line:


"With girls in small tops"


The way I see it, the narrator is attempting to temporarily end his (I'm assuming it's a he, but then we all know what assuming does to people ) suffering with women. If I misread the line, please feel free to correct me.

Happy Writing!
HT

Everything in my review is based on my personal opinion and therefore if you do not wish to take it into account, then that is your prerogative and not mine.

Hello!

To start off, this was beautiful. Wow. You let us know exactly what you felt in less than ten lines! I wish I could do that -.-

You may want to put some lines into stanzas, just to make it easier for the reader to read. I adore the repetition, it got your point across (again.)

Everything seemed to be put together nicely, just maybe add some commas at the end of stanzas to let the reader know it's okay to take a break and might as well add one since it's a natural break!

Great piece!!

~scandalousphoenix

Let me start out by saying that I really liked this poem. I can ell that you put a lot of heart into it. I thought the repitition gave the piece a really clear sense of rhythm. Everything seems to rhyme nicely and none of the syllables seem off. All in all I think this is a great poem!

This is really good! I highly enjoyed it. I like how it is sort of vague, but gives enough info so that you can understand what is going on. Write more!