the sounds of my summer.

This poem was confusing and disjointed. It was also interesting, fresh, and very rhythmic. I feel as if it could use a lot more extra help though, but I personally liked it, and at least it wasn't a downright selfless, "emo" poem.

Here are my suggestions:

Mainly, the problem with this poem is its unnecessary, awkward, semi-cliche, ambiguous moments that dot it. Here are some examples:

"falter my feet"
"a circle of unworthiness"
"my mouth opens to say"
"Failing, failing,
falling, I'm flailing;"
"in coincidental time
to my irregular heartbeat"

which should be, and could be completely altered to be more beautiful, poetic, less forced.

Also, you should show more rather than tell. That means that instead of telling us that you are dizzy, show us: say to us, "With twisted, faltering feet" rather than "Dizzy, I falter my feet."

Anyway... I hope I helped.

neophilic wrote:The cut up lines are meant to mimic a heart beat.


It's four in the morning and I'm
waking for my daily dose of
failure pills and guilt medicine.

Dizzy, I
falter my feet (falter my feet? That part confuses me, and it sounds a little awkward. I see the alliteration you're going for but maybe something like "Dizzy, my feet falter and I fall" would sound better)
and fall.
Crawling, I'm curling
into
a circle of unworthiness (again, curling into a circle...doesn't sound right. Curling into something else would be better, maybe something like "Crawling, I'm curling, my body is unworthy, a mass of wasted space");
a body of wasted space.
"It's no good, it's no good."
my mouth opens to say.
And slowly, with rhythm, (these next two lines are beautiful. Perfect.)
the room begins to sway.

Reeling, I
cry out in
pieces of a phobia
I now own.
Thanks to the
many weeks
I've known (I like the way 'own' and 'known' rhyme)
these hard white tiles, this
jade green rug.

Failing, failing,
falling, I'm flailing;
smiling at the
sound of the
faucet drips
into the sink
in coincidental time to
my irregular
heart beat. (PERFECT ENDING.)

Ok, wow, that was great! I too, was reading it and could hear like the music and stuff... This would be a really great song. I agree completely with everyone else, you should think about writing songs! i've tried a couple times, but this is just... wow. Good job!

WOW that was really amazing. GOOD WORK. I agree with everybody else
I thought that is was very professional
It was interesting, it was so good that I wanted
to hear more.

Wow, wow, wow! I loved this, loved this, loved this! It's flawlessly written, and has left me in awe. There are few things I love more than a poem with a nice rhythm, as well, so kudos for that . I liked this too much to even picked a favorite part, hahaha. But, this was fantastic, you're a wonderful poet...keep at it! I'd love to see more!

Wow, five stars! Featured work, too. Thanks! Wow.

neophilic wrote:The cut up lines are meant to mimic a heart beat.


It's four in the morning and I'm
waking for my daily dose of
failure pills and guilt medicine.

Dizzy, I
falter my feet
and fall.
Crawling, I'm curling
into
a circle of unworthiness;
a body of wasted space.
"It's no good, it's no good."
my mouth opens to say.
And slowly, with rhythm,
the room begins to sway.

Reeling, I
cry out in
pieces of a phobia
I now own.
Thanks to the
many weeks
I've known
these hard white tiles, this
jade green rug.

Failing, failing,
falling, I'm flailing;
smiling at the
sound of the
faucet drips
into the sink
in coincidental time to
my irregular
heart beat.

Wow, haha. I didn't know it was that good.
Thanks! That really really means a lot.

*stares at screen*

Wow. Is there really anymore to say about this? It was... was... Wow. You know what? I think this should be put in the song forum instead. I mean, I could hear the music that could go along with it! And I could see the music video that would soon be made after!

This would go great as a sort of punk rock song. ^^ This was my absolutely most favorite part:

Failing, failing,

falling, I'm flailing;

smiling at the

sound of the

faucet drips

into the sink

in coincidental time to

my irregular

heart beat.