I posted this poem before, but after reviews by others (andimlovegalore, singing_hope, and VicternoO) I decided to use their comments to revise. Thanks guys!
To see the old poem, click {here}.
Perfection
is the ache in my chest.
Beats alongside my heart and
keeps the misery company.
Failure
visits too often.
Gives condolences for the loss of self-worth
then
bids farewell without leaving.
Guilt
comes in packages so very small.
It makes no entrance,
it gives no welcome -
simply injects itself into the vein
and spreads like a disease.
Depression
whispers sweet nothings into my ear.
Then lists my faults against my skin,
and leaves patches of rainclouds
where it breathes.
Happiness
is always fashionably late;
never stays long enough
to build a home
inside of me.
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This is a good beginning; the progression of ideals/emotions makes sense but I'd like to see more imagery, especially around the idea of making a home. It's vaguely present in almost every stanza (company in the first; visiting in the second; entrance/welcome in the third; homemaking in the fifth), but then there are all these other things out of nowhere, like veins and disease and hearts. It seems very scattered, and even more so because it's not heavily tied to the idea of confusion. It's much tighter and much more streamlined than the original version, but in spite of that (and perhaps, because of it) I know it can be better!
Happy writing!
wow, i think the way you described the different feelings is really good. they bring the poem to life.
bravo.
I really like this, especially the way you start every stanza with the emotion. The line breaks are excellent and your imagery is gorgeous. This definitely gets a gold star from me. I couldn't find anything I wanted to change, either. Keep it up.
I like this! It's much improved, simply with changes to one stanza and the addition of another. As an aside, I feel like this is more lyrical than dramatic.
I'm not keen on the omission of the subject in the third line - I always want to say 'it beats alongside...' but that's just me. I love 'keeps the misery company'!
'it gives no welcome' - I'd change this slightly. Guilt is the guest, so it wouldn't give a welcome. Maybe something like 'it voices no greeting' or 'arrives undeclared'.
I wasn't sure about 'patches of rainclouds' but now I quite like it.
I liked 'fashionably late', because it almost makes happiness into a popular kid in high school or something, and contrasted with the entrance of guilt that you talked about earlier. I liked the ending but I think it would be interesting if you could link it with the other emotions. Perhaps it never moves in next door to perfection? Maybe that's a bit blah, I tried to come up with some suggestions but they were all awful.
I think the metaphors you've used are the poem's strongest point - I especially liked the 'failure' stanza. The whole poem was very well-written. Well done!
This poem was beautifully written. It was honest and true, and displayed a theme that anyone and everyone can relate to, we've all felt it at some point. The first stanza was my favorite part, and a truly fabulous way to open the poem:
[quote="neophilic"]
Perfection
is the ache in my chest.
Beats alongside my heart and
keeps the misery company.
/quote]
The second to last stanza originally featured the gender-confused purple lion, but I decided to change it to fit more with the theme of the poem.
Thanks for the gold star!
I love what you did to this poem. I think it's actually just right now, it's brilliant. Well done! You took the suggestions and made it wonderful, but in a personal way. I especially like the last stanza, it made a lot more sense than the first one =] Is the second to last stanza new? I love it anyway! Yeah, I gave this one a gold star because I like it so much. And I don't give them out very much.