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Hi Just saw this (even though it's been here a while) and thought it looked interesting, so here goes... *sidles off for a read*

“Must the Sun I know it's probably correct, but does anyone write sun with a capital S anymore? I suppose then you might have to do likewise for Earth and Moon, etc? shine so early?” said Mrs. Barker. The dining room was lit by a gray light dusting the windows dusting the windows? That sounds a bit off, hmm?.


All the children of the Barker family[s],[/s] - three daughters and one son[s],[/s] - sat themselves along the rickety dinner table; New sentence Mr. and Mrs. Barker sat at each end, meeting by a tiresome glance 'Meeting by a tiresome glance' does not make sense. You should reword that. Adrianna, the eldest Miss Barker, thanked their cook and acknowledged a lark outside the window this last bit threw me a bit. It was kind of just thrown in there, don't you think? To make the scene come across the pretty and archaic?.


“I hear we have received news from town,” she inquired to inquire is to ask -- she has not done that yet. to her mother. “Is this true?” New paragraph. Mrs. Barker became lively. Actually, considering, this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. She says they've heard news, and is it true. Well, maybe she needs to elaborate a little before she asks for confirmation. I get the feeling you are trying to make this a bit Jane Austenesque, a la the Bennet household.


“Yes, yes indeed!” Her voice shook the room. “Wonderful news, my dear! Mr. Owens comes to visit his aunt this week! He shall stay only a mile from here.”


Adrianna raised her brow. “And may I inquire why so suddenly he hastens to Derbyshire? Is Lady Bradford taken ill? For just last week, she spoke of no such event. If the Lady be well, she must be much unsettled by his sudden visit,” she observed.


“Why no, my dear. Lady Bradford is quite well.” Adrianna’s young sisters, also out in society(1), shook with curiosity. “Oh! Dear Adrianna! He comes to take your hand!” Mrs. Barker’s voice bounced lightly from her throat in grand excitement. The girls, aside from Miss Adrianna, bubbled loudly ??, fleeing from their seats, and dancing about the room. “We shall be free of this poverty, I declare, by August!”


Miss Adrianna only smiled with discreet displeasure.


Mr. Owens was a man of five and twenty years, born to a noble family, and since adulthood, had extended his finances profusely. He received five thousand a year, a most agreeable sum for any man. He was of the most appropriate matches for a daughter of the Barkers. Miss Adrianna and her family had yet to meet Mr. Owens, but had anticipated his visit, and his proposal, suggested by Lady Bradford, for quite some time.


In the afternoon, Miss Adrianna and her dear brother met in the drawing room, the rest out to Matlock.


“Are you certain you are quite satisfied with this match, sister? I can only desire your happiness in such a matter.” Wait a minute, that's a bit presumptuous, isn't it? Who says he'll ask her hand?


“I can assure you, Leonard, that I feel no greater contentment than to supply my family with what is required.” She pressed her brother’s hand with a smile, and appreciated the blissful scenery outside the window. Could possibly elaborate a little on the scenery, so that we can picture it, rather than simply stating she appreciated it.


“At the expense of your own freedom?” He paused, but she gave no response. “And what of Mr. Griffiths? I was so certain he would take your hand first.” The man hasn't even proposed yet, has he?


Adrianna faced her brother, smiling with solemnity at his considerate, light eyes, and healthy complexion. “Landon is that appropriate? are they on close enough terms for first names? and I never expected to marry, for we would each have such poverty. There is no emptiness like poverty! And we both deserve lives that we each cannot offer the other.” She concluded the topic, and they discussed weather and literature until the return of their family.


Five days passed until Mr. Owens was reported to be in Derbyshire: another before he dined at Norton Park with the Barker family. The house that evening bustled in manic chatter and scurrying about rooms. Mrs. Barker attended to preparing her daughter appropriately, so she may be a desirable wife for Mr. Owens. The cook and two maids shuffled in the kitchen, preparing their most acceptable courses.


When Mr. Owens’s knock came to the door, Mrs. Barker scurried to the door[s];[/s] andAdrianna, her two younger sisters, Leonard, Mr. Barker, and a confused maid, followed behind. If they have a maid, oughtn't she answer the door, rather than the master of the house, Mr Barker? For propriety's sake! Mr. Barker, presenting an open and civil smile, unlatched the door and greeted their long-anticipated guest.


“How grand it is to make your acquaintance, Mr. Barker.” Mr. Owens stepped forth into the sweet-smelling hall. His brow was smooth and his eyes dark; he stood five inches taller than Mr. Barker, a middle-sized man. His hair was auburn and his frame thin. “How grand it is to meet you,” he addressed the party. His words were swift and awkward. His eyes darted from face to face and out the window of an opposing room.


“Yes, yes; and we are most pleased to meet you. Let us have a seat in the dining hall now and enjoy a good supper.” Mrs. Barker’s cheery voice startled him. Each member of the party, the Barkers and Mr. Owens, retreated to the dining room and found their place at the table. Mr. Owens sat across from Miss Adrianna, avoiding her visage for the endurance of the meal. He had little opportunity to, for Mrs. Barker and Leonard occupied his attention with their constant conversation.


“And shall you stay long with Lady Bradford?”


“Yes; I intend to accompany my aunt till June,” the guest responded.


“Why, June! Two months? How many delightful dinners we must share!” Mrs. Barker looked to her husband. He nodded in agreement.


“I may add that my aunt intends to hold a ball next Saturday. You shall all be invited. It will be a chance for us to be more adequately acquainted.” He offered a half-smile towards Mrs. Barker, and without intent, met the eyes of Miss Adrianna. She grinned with the utmost civility. He colored, resuming his meal. The rest of the night pursued in good humor, though Adrianna came to find her due-to-be husband more awkward than she could perceive. His words were intelligent and fair, but the voice behind them was in such disarray that she found he must feel great dissatisfaction with such a family as her own.


The very next Saturday, Miss Adrianna dressed herself in the most appropriate dress her closet could provide. The neckline was modest, sleeves short, and color[s],[/s] was of a classic white. Her hair was pinned up in a slight bun, with tendrils curled about the top. Lady Bradford had indeed invited the Barker’s to her ball at Northfield Park, the Lady’s estate, and though Adrianna dreaded the prospect of it, she made herself in the most agreeable manner possible. Once they arrived at Northfield Park, the two younger girls pranced off to find suitable dance partners, and Leonard sought his loyal friends in a large drawing room. Mr. and Mrs. Barker approached the foyer with Miss Adrianna, and were graciously greeted by Lady Bradford. Adrianna went off on her private path to find Mr. Griffiths.


“Dear Adrianna, I did not suspect to find you in such a place. Is your family present as well?” Landon Griffiths smiled broadly amongst the chattering company of guests. Loud and swift music resonated around the room.


“Yes, we are all here. Lady Bradford is a friend of my mother’s, and her nephew is here in Derbyshire.”


“Oh, indeed, I have heard.” His eyes became grave and his lips pressed together. “May I request a private audience with you?” He obligingly took her hand and retreated to a less frenzied room. Various groups were seated around small tables, playing their hand at Whist and Loo(2). It was loud, but not beyond overcoming.


“What is it you wish to discuss?” Adrianna took a seat at a vacant table, and scrutinized her companion.


“I have heard news of Mr. Owens’s proposal, Adrianna. You should feel no duty in concealing it any longer.” His mouth moved with utter discretion, but his words were brisk. Miss Adrianna sat in awe for a long while.


“Landon can't help but feel her calling him by his Christian name somewhat improper for the time., I never believed he would propose. My family is of too low a standard for his consideration… he has yet to ask!” She faltered. “By no means did I ever intend to conceal it.”


“Lady Bradford spoke quite confidently of your due marriage. She believes Owens to propose tonight.” There was a long silence that proceeded. Mr. Griffiths eluded the darkening color about her eyes and loss of complexion.


“You must understand,” she whispered.


“You intend to accept him!” Mr. Griffiths shouted. “How empty your words are to me! How can you expect my consideration and support on such a matter?” His words and fierceness were hardly noticed by those of other parties, but Miss Adrianna sat perplexed. She could hardly speak, and he broke in. “How do you expect—,” but she responded immediately.


“You must understand, my dear, that I have a duty to my family. For five and twenty years my mother and father have lived in poverty! For nineteen years have I endured the life not fit for a young woman to become of any material in this world!” She took his hand with fresh composure. “I have no choice but to marry well, and here it is presented in what may be the only occurrence to ever cross my path. Can you expect me to relent to passion and discard all common sense?” Her eyes watered. Landon softened his voice.


“Why no, my dear; however long I have been hopeful, you are correct.” He mollified her with his eyes, but there was a hint of bitterness in his words. “Forgive me for burdening you so. I am afraid I must leave now. Please enjoy the endurance of the night, and forget our silly quarrels.” Ooh, nice Mr Darcy-ness. Win! And there he left. Adrianna remained for some minutes at the table, recounting the dispute. A figure approached her in a swift, bouncing manner.


“May I ask your hand in the next dance, Miss Adrianna?”


“Why yes you may, Mr. Owens.” She gave a small grin and accepted his gesture to the ballroom.


“May I request one more favor?” He spoke uneasily. Adrianna offered an apprehensive glance, and he continued, “May I request you address me as Edgar. I find it much more intimate scandalous!!!.”


Adrianna colored and replied, “Why yes, Edgar, of course.”


The night continued, and Mr. Owens neglected to propose.

To lilmisswritergirl: Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it. And I appreciate your words I probably will continue this later on!

*naturesgirl~

Wow. This is beautifully written! I loved every moment of it. It was like this story was written many, many years ago. Like a classic, you know.

I love reading and writing Regency set novels and I instantly fell in love with this piece. Wonderful. Just wonderful!

I congratulate you on an amazing piece. I found no errors while reading.

I have no questions, I just want to read more.

Great job!

*Merry

~I think I might know what will happen next. ~

First of all, I love this! I love the appealing unique prose, the language, and the fact that this was purely written for a school project astounds me. I agree with my fellow reviewers that you should continue this, for I would love to read on and find out more about Adrianna and Mr Owens. Adrianna is an unusual name and it befits the story well.
All in all, brilliant
*lilmisswritergal*

P.S I can find nothing else to critique on this *claps*

To Lost_In_Dreamland:

Thank you! I appreciate all the corrections and criticisms! I do suffer with some grammar and usage It helps to be corrected!

And really, thank you. I am so glad you enjoyed it! I really did want to make the dialogue work; I've always had a problem with telling and not showing.

And to tell the truth, most of my linguistic styles and such are inspired by Jane Austen's novels. In fact, I addressed Adrianna as 'Miss' primarily because Austen used it so much in P&P. I envisioned the Barkers and the Bennets in a similiar financial situation, since the Barkers could apparently afford a cook. But I will look into the use of that address! Thank you for pointing it out!

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that you're review is greatly appreciated! Have you happened to read the last half?

Author's Note: I have divided this story into two posts, because of its length. I never really intended it to be so long! Anyways, this is only the first half. The second half will be in another post.


This was originally an English assignment. We were to write a short story inspired by one of Hawthorne's journal entries. It could use a bit of revision and a lot of criticism! Please, offer me your input! It will be greatly appreciated! (if it is constructive, that is.) Also, there is a short index at the end to help with some terms you may not be familiar with.

Miss Adrianna Barker


“Must the Sun shine so early?” said Mrs. Barker. The dining room was lit by a gray light dusting the windows.


All the children of the Barker family, three daughters and one son, sat themselves along the rickety dinner table; Mr. and Mrs. Barker sat at each end, meeting by a tiresome glance. Adrianna, the eldest Miss Barker

Mr and Mrs Barker sat at each end, meeting by a tiresome glance. Adrianna, the eldest Barker girl....

“I hear we have received news from town,” she inquired to her mother. “Is this true?” Mrs. Barker became lively.


“Yes, yes indeed!” Her voice shook the room. “Wonderful news, my dear! Mr. Owens comes to visit his aunt this week! He shall stay only a mile from here.”


Adrianna raised her brow. “And may I inquire why so suddenly he hastens to Derbyshire?

Is Lady Bradford taken ill? For just last week, she spoke of no such event. If the Lady be well, she must be much unsettled by his sudden visit,” she observed.

“Why no, my dear. Lady Bradford is quite well.” Adrianna’s young sisters, also out in society(1), shook with curiosity. “Oh! Dear Adrianna! He comes to take your hand!” Mrs. Barker’s voice bounced lightly from her throat in grand excitement. The girls, aside from Miss Adrianna, bubbled loudly, fleeing from their seats, and dancing about the room. “We shall be free of this poverty, I declare, by August!

Miss Adrianna only smiled with discreet displeasure.

Mr. Owens was a man of five and twenty years, born to a noble family, and since adulthood, had extended his finances profusely.

twenty and five years.

and since adulthood had extended his finances profusely

He received five thousand a year, a most agreeable sum for any man. He was of the most appropriate matches for a daughter of the Barkers. Miss Adrianna and her family had yet to meet Mr. Owens, but had anticipated his visit, and his proposal, suggested by Lady Bradford, for quite some time.

In the afternoon, Miss Adrianna and her dear brother met in the drawing room, the rest out to Matlock.


“Are you certain you are quite satisfied with this match, sister? I can only desire your happiness in such a matter.”

“I can assure you, Leonard, that I feel no greater contentment than to supply my family with what is required.” She pressed her brother’s hand with a smile, and appreciated the blissful scenery outside the window.


“At the expense of your own freedom?” He paused, but she gave no response. “And what of Mr. Griffiths? I was so certain he would take your hand first.”


Adrianna faced her brother, smiling with solemnity at his considerate, light eyes, and healthy complexion. “Landon and I never expected to marry, for we would each have such poverty. There is no emptiness like poverty! And we both deserve lives that we each cannot offer the other.” She concluded the topic, and they discussed weather and literature until the return of their family.

Five days passed until Mr. Owens was reported to be in Derbyshire: another before he dined at Norton Park with the Barker family. The house that evening bustled in manic chatter and scurrying about rooms. Mrs. Barker attended to preparing her daughter appropriately, so she may be a desirable wife for Mr. Owens. The cook and two maids shuffled in the kitchen, preparing their most acceptable courses.


When Mr. Owens’s knock came to the door, Mrs. Barker scurried to the door; Adrianna, her two younger sisters, Leonard, Mr. Barker, and a confused maid, followed behind. Mr. Barker, presenting an open and civil smile, unlatched the door and greeted their long-anticipated guest.


“How grand it is to make your acquaintance, Mr. Barker.” Mr. Owens stepped forth into the sweet-smelling hall. His brow was smooth and his eyes dark; he stood five inches taller than Mr. Barker, a middle-sized man. His hair was auburn and his frame thin. “How grand it is to meet you,” he addressed the party. His words were swift and awkward. His eyes darted from face to face and out the window of an opposing room.


“Yes, yes; and we are most pleased to meet you. Let us have a seat in the dining hall now and enjoy a good supper.” Mrs. Barker’s cheery voice startled him. Each member of the party, the Barkers and Mr. Owens, retreated to the dining room and found their place at the table. Mr. Owens sat across from Miss Adrianna, avoiding her visage for the endurance of the meal. He had little opportunity to, for Mrs. Barker and Leonard occupied his attention with their constant conversation.


“And shall you stay long with Lady Bradford?”


“Yes; I intend to accompany my aunt till June,” the guest responded.


“Why, June! Two months? How many delightful dinners we must share!” Mrs. Barker looked to her husband. He nodded in agreement.


“I may add that my aunt intends to hold a ball next Saturday. You shall all be invited. It will be a chance for us to be more adequately acquainted.”

He offered a half-smile towards Mrs. Barker, and without intent, met the eyes of Miss Adrianna. She grinned with the utmost civility. He colored, resuming his meal. The rest of the night pursued in good humor, though Adrianna came to find her due-to-be husband more awkward than she could perceive. His words were intelligent and fair, but the voice behind them was in such disarray that she found he must feel great dissatisfaction with such a family as her own.


The very next Saturday, Miss Adrianna dressed herself in the most appropriate dress her closet could provide. The neckline was modest, sleeves short, and color, a classic white. Her hair was pinned up in a slight bun, with tendrils curled about the top. Lady Bradford had indeed invited the Barker’s to her ball at Northfield Park, the Lady’s estate, and though Adrianna dreaded the prospect of it, she made herself in the most agreeable manner possible. Once they arrived at Northfield Park, the two younger girls pranced off to find suitable dance partners, and Leonard sought his loyal friends in a large drawing room. Mr. and Mrs. Barker approached the foyer with Miss Adrianna, and were graciously greeted by Lady Bradford. Adrianna went off on her private path to find Mr. Griffiths.


“Dear Adrianna, I did not suspect

to find you in such a place. Is your family present as well?” Landon Griffiths smiled broadly amongst the chattering company of guests. Loud and swift music resonated around the room.

Is your family present as well?

“Yes, we are all here. Lady Bradford is a friend of my mother’s, and her nephew is here in Derbyshire.”

“Oh, indeed, I have heard.” His eyes became grave and his lips pressed together. “May I request a private audience with you?” He obligingly took her hand and retreated to a less frenzied room. Various groups were seated around small tables, playing their hand at Whist and Loo(2). It was loud, but not beyond overcoming.


“What is it you wish to discuss?” Adrianna took a seat at a vacant table, and scrutinized her companion.


“I have heard news of Mr. Owens’s proposal, Adrianna. You should feel no duty in concealing it any longer.” His mouth moved with utter discretion, but his words were brisk. Miss Adrianna sat in awe for a long while.


“Landon, I never believed he would propose. My family is of too low a standard for his consideration… he has yet to ask!” She faltered. “By no means did I ever intend to conceal it.”


“Lady Bradford spoke quite confidently of your due marriage. She believes Owens to propose tonight.”

Owens to propose tonight

Owens is to propose tonight.

There was a long silence that proceeded. Mr. Griffiths eluded the darkening color about her eyes and loss of complexion.


“You must understand,” she whispered.


“You intend to accept him!” Mr. Griffiths shouted. “How empty your words are to me! How can you expect my consideration and support on such a matter?” His words and fierceness were hardly noticed by those of other parties, but Miss Adrianna sat perplexed. She could hardly speak, and he broke in. “How do you expect—,” but she responded immediately.


“You must understand, my dear, that I have a duty to my family. For five and twenty years my mother and father have lived in poverty! For nineteen years have I endured the life not fit for a young woman to become of any material in this world!” She took his hand with fresh composure. “I have no choice but to marry well, and here it is presented in what may be the only occurrence to ever cross my path. Can you expect me to relent to passion and discard all common sense?” Her eyes watered. Landon softened his voice.

“Why no, my dear; however long I have been hopeful, you are correct.” He mollified her with his eyes, but there was a hint of bitterness in his words. “Forgive me for burdening you so. I am afraid I must leave now. Please enjoy the endurance of the night, and forget our silly quarrels.” And there he left. Adrianna remained for some minutes at the table, recounting the dispute. A figure approached her in a swift, bouncing manner.


“May I ask your hand in the next dance, Miss Adrianna?”


“Why yes you may, Mr. Owens.” She gave a small grin and accepted his gesture to the ballroom.


“May I request one more favor?” He spoke uneasily. Adrianna offered an apprehensive glance, and he continued, “May I request you address me as Edgar. I find it much more intimate.”

My, my dear, this was excellently executed. I love Regency novels and such, so I am able to spot easily if anything doesn't seem right, language wise, and this was beautiful! I love the characters and the dialog was very believable. The cliffhanger just makes me want to read more, so I will be off to the next part.

I know this is for a school project, but have you considered trying your hand at writing a novel like this. You should, because I think you'd be very good at it.

Bravo,

~Angel