So this is my first time ever doing poetry in general, and I would love it if you guys gave me some critiques they would be very helpful. I'm trying to write poetry because I
m really into it now by the way.
Until life's final flicker disappears
two halves will always be one.
Never one from another, always a pair, and never a single.
Watching the sky from first blush to darkness.
Gazing over Loch Lomond and peering over mountaintops. Our favorite place never seemed to far from us to be.
Always together as a pair, until the final flicker of life's ember.
Thanks for reading, and I hope you liked it!(p.s I'm new to the poetry forum)
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Canary word: Present
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Hey there!
Just a tip: to make the poem easier to read try placing your author's note in a "spoiler" you can do this by either highlighting your note and clicking the "Spoiler" tab whilst submitting your work, or you can write [spoiler] Insert text here [/spoiler(without this bit in brackets)]. It'll just make it all easier to read (:
In terms of your actual poem, I found it quite original, so in that sense - very good! What I will suggest though is revising it for punctuation improvements because, expecially near the middle, I found the flow a little bit choppy and the fluency could be improved.
Anyway, keep up the writing!
Ben
For this all I have to say is that the last bit sounded a tad awkward. I don't really see how you could fix it other than taking out the and . However, I really loved the first part, Never one from another , i thought that it meshed very well with the rest of the poem!
mountaintops should be, mountain tops or mountain-tops .
I also thought that this line looked a bit long and you placed a . between it.
Maybe just seperate it into two lines.
I thought that it was a very beautiful poem over all though, nice work!
Thanks for all your tips, and reviews they helped.
Hi there.
I love the imagery this created, the flow and the reference to 'life's ember'. It painted a beautiful picture, even though it was a little sad at times.
Anyway, for a first attempt at poetry, this is brilliant. I can't wait to see what you come up with next! Thanks for making me smile and the beautiful poem.
~Scarlett.
Hey there!
This was nice for a first attempt, but I wasn't quite sure what it was about! It seemed kind of vague, like you were just meshing words together in hopes to create a poem. Not to say that it was bad, but you just seemed really unsure.
I rather liked your rhythm and flow and what you were trying to do.
You've definitely got potential, and I can't wait to see where your poetry leads in the future.
-Elinor
Hey, Classy here!
What I like about this is that you never fully come out and say that this is about a guy and a girl. I mean, you imply it, and anyone reading it can see that it is, but this poem isn't all about love and a breakup. It also explains how the two lovers can be anywhere in love, and will always be in love until the flame goes out (a.k.a. death).
I really like this. Keep writing poetry.
Questions/comments, PM me.
Classy