Koylyn ran for his life. Low tree branches whacked him in the face as he bolted by, but he dared not stop to try and muffle the stinging. They were after him-again. He saw the edge of the woods up ahead. The bright sunlight was pouring in to the open field. If only he could make it there before they overtook him. After all they hated the sunlight. Only a few more feet and he would make it; 900 feet, 700 feet, 500, 100.
An arrow ripped through his shoulder. A burning sensation shot through his flesh. They were gaining on him. Koylyn fell, crashing to the ground. Wincing he pulled the arrow out, his arm stung like it was on fire. A crimson liquid glistened on the arrowhead. Blood. His blood.
He heard the thundering footsteps of them behind him. He quickly dodged behind a tree. This couldn’t be happening. They were getting smarter at every turn. Now they used arrows instead of swords. Those slime bags had realized it was better to kill him or to at least wound him, than try and chase him down to only let him escape.
With one quick thought he threw the arrow in to the forest, many feet away. The sudden movement caused his shoulder to throb. He gritted his teeth to keep from screaming. Then he waited for the sound, a sound that would tell him if it worked. It did: he heard the monsters turn and go after his bait. Koylyn sighed and tried to breathe normally. It was okay, he would live. He ripped off the edge of his shirt and wrapped it around his wound. At the touch another wave of stinging slashed up his arm. His fingers clenched as he tried to hold back the pain. When he got home they would fix it up. Mom would fix it up.
Then he began to run, quietly through the edge of the forest. There were no sounds of being sighted or any sounds for that matter, only the racing of his heart. He tried not to hit his arm on anything; he didn’t want it to cause him to fall again. He was just about to step out in to the sunlight when he felt a sharp sting to his head. He fell, head dizzy and throbbing. His heart began thumping quicker. He hadn’t been careful enough; they had caught him this time. He had failed.
Koylyn put his fingers to the side of his head. He raised them above his face; he could see the smeared blood on his hands. He could smell the rusty scent of the blood; it made him want to throw up. It reminded him of that place in which he lived. The very place from which he was escaping. He struggled to get up, but his head was spinning and his chest felt heavy. Then he realized someone was standing over him. Its large boot was pressed against his chest. The figure became clear in Koylyn’s head. It was him, the leader of those monsters.
Koylyn looked up at this man. Two cold blue eyes stared down at the boy so different than the monsters he controlled, yet so similar to the ones Koylyn saw in his own reflection. A look of greatness shone in them. Fear trickled in to Koylyn as he stared in to those circles of blue, only he couldn’t look away.
The man didn’t speak and Koylyn didn’t think he wanted to if he could. There was something so familiar about this man yet nothing remotely close to anything Koylyn could remember. It was strange. The man raised his hand. Koylyn looked around, but there was no one for this man to command. Confused Koylyn did the first thing he could. He tried to speak.
“What- what do you w-want?” he managed to breathe out. The weight of the boot was heavy. The man’s hand wavered and he looked at Koylyn.
A deep voice sounded from the man’s throat, “I want you to stop running and see something right in front of you. Stop worrying, your time to be free will come sooner than you think.” The man lowered his hand, and then Koylyn felt a small pressure against his forehead. The trees spun and then everything went black.
∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞
He woke up. It was early morning, before the sun was up, and everything was dark. The dream had been so real. The pain, the forest, everything had felt genuine. He couldn’t image escaping this place. A few had tried and failed. Once they had been caught they were sentenced to death for attempting to escape. He could not die. Not yet.
He looked around the room. His home, his prison. He knew the guards would be here soon. They would have their fun and then order him to the stables at first light. He hated them with a burning passion. He knew that if he had the chance to, he would kill them; especially after what they did to her. He huddled in the dark corner waiting -waiting for that sound that told him they had come. Footsteps. He looked up. A small light illuminated the dark prison. Then he saw him. His name was Rolant. He was a guard. Koylyn recognized that smirk on Rolant’s gruesome face; the one that churned his insides. That same smirk had been on his face that one day with his mom, the worst day of Koylyn’s young life.
Another guard opened the gate. If Koylyn had the strength he would be quick enough to bolt out the door and escape. Then he would die and he couldn’t let that happen. Rolant handed the lamp to the guard and strolled in. Koylyn watched him, he watched his every move.
“Ready to have some fun, kiddy?” his voice was deep and scratchy. A trait everyone of his race possessed. Both fear and anger flooded Koylyn. He knew he most control his emotions. Nothing could happen. Koylyn stared at the man’s face. His grayish skin, which would crack in the sunlight, smelled of rotted eggs. His dark eyes that were beginning to fuzz around the edges, the sign of coming to an old age, seemed to stare right into Koylyn’s soul. The boy shuddered under the man’s gaze.
Then in one quick second Rolant came after him. The guard hurled his massive body at the boy. Koylyn didn’t move he let Rolant hit him. His body throbbed with the weight of the man’s body crushing him up against the stone wall. Then suddenly he was off the ground, raised by one of Rolant’s enormous arms, rippling with muscle.
“You think this is fun, kiddy? Well, let me show you some more.” Rolant threw the boy to the stone floor. Koylyn heard something snap and a sharp twinge seared through his body. Weak and hurt Koylyn tried to get up, but the pain on his right arm refused to allow it. Rolant smashed his boot in to the boy’s side. His arms caved from holding his weight up and Rolant’s violent kick and he fell back to the stone floor. Koylyn bit his lip, trying to suppress a cry. He knew that was what they wanted, though. The guards enjoyed hearing the slaves and prisoners scream. It was a gruesome thought, but that was what filled these men’s heads. Pain and suffering to anyone different. On the third slam Koylyn let a scream escape his lips. He felt his face get wet from the tears sliding down his face. Rolant stopped, satisfied with that small scream.
“We’ll have to wait til’ tomorrow for more fun, kiddy,” Rolant grinned evilly. Koylyn grimaced from the gruesome smell of his breath. A sickly rotting meat smell. His hate for this man was growing steadily every minute. He gritted his teeth and was tempted to growl at them. If they wanted to treat him like an animal he would act like one. “Oh, and Cap’n wants to see you in the stables at first light. Don’t be late this time.”
As quickly as they had come they were gone. The light disappeared then their footsteps were gone, while their smell lingered clouding up the cell. Koylyn spit the blood from his mouth onto the floor. Somehow with the little strength he had he got up. Taking a brick from the wall he slowly climbed up to the window. The sky was turning a light gray. It was almost morning. He fingered t he cool grass and closed his eyes. He let his mind drift to old memories; memories with his mom, until he came. Rolant.
Those memories made his feelings fume. That man had ruined his life. He had ruined his mom. He would pay. Koylyn slammed his fist against the stone. It produced a few scraped knuckles. He bit his lip and felt like killing himself. No one would care if one measly slave died. Slaves killed themselves everyday and no one took notice. Unless his mom was still alive then she would care if he lived or not.
Slowly, Koylyn breathed, calming his nerves. He could not get angry because if he had a chance to escape he would save her and his anger would drive him to try and kill Rolant. And he couldn’t do that, he would not win- only die. He wiped his nose and it produced a colored liquid on his fingers, blood. He sighed and looked out the barred window. He longed to be free and work in the gardens. Not the stables and not the desert sand. He hated his life and he hated the ruler.
He did absolutely nothing for his country. Instead he enslaved most people when they couldn’t pay their dues and he helped no one at all. The world was crumbling and there was no one to help them. Well there were some, a small group of rebels that stood up against the ruler. They fought for freedom and for two named Gradgon and Jason. This group had established a temple to train knights, anyone could join. It was a free city of protection and the hope to survive until tomorrow. Two knights from the place had helped create peace throughout Alagex. They had stopped the evil and helped small cities in need.
Around ten years ago the people’s hearts turned. They established the ruler and they didn’t want the rebels help. The ruler had then banned the Temple but the group prevailed. Nothing would cause them to lose hope. They even tried not to kill only when necessary. Instead they tried to show everyone in Alagex Gradgon and Jason’s love. They encouraged people to flee their homes and establish ones in the hidden city. Their children would become knights and they would be free from the ruler.
Koylyn longed to be in a safe place where he and his mother could choose how to live. A place of freedom and happiness. This city seemed like the way it had been many years ago, when a small region was of free religion and no rulers. Before people became peaceful and got along with other races. Before the making of the Temple. It was said to be a dangerous time to hang around border lined of territories. If you didn’t shoot first, someone else would.
Koylyn’s thoughts turned to his mother and their old life. A life he may never return to. Tears welled in his eyes as the memories rose in his mind. The image of his mother, broken and beat on the floor, and the baby, lying peacefully in its crib not breathing, the memories made his head ache. Anger coursed through him like a forest fire. That man would pay! A small scream escaped his lips. He was sure everyone heard like they did every morning after Rolant’s visit. Then Koylyn froze and tears blurred his vision. His mother would be angry if she knew his thoughts.
He slid down against the stone wall, his eyes flickering to the horizon. He breathed slowly in and out, trying to calm his racing heart. He closed his eyes and smelled the fresh cut grass. Everything would be okay someday, he was sure of it. His mom had always promised him that he would be someone great someday. When that happened he would find him mother and make Rolant pay for his suffering. Someday he would be free of this life, and he would be happy again. But someone would have to pay the cost, whether it was money, supplies, or even a life.[i]
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Okay. This was interesting.
I think you could revise this sentence to be a little stronger. Perhaps, "Low tree branches whacked him in the face as he bolted by, but he dared not stop to try and muffle the stinging." I don't know. Something like that.
I'm not a big fan of elispses. "They were after him - again." just looks better to me for some reason.
"overtook" is one word. I think you're wandering into run-on land. I think your best bet would be to change the comma to a period.
I would combine these sentences. "Wincing, he pulled the arrow out, causing his arm to sting as if it were on fire." Your choice, but this will be help vary your sentence structures in this paragraph.
I'm not sure I like "A crimson color." I have a few ways to change it if you want. "A crimson liquid glistened on the arrowhead." or "The tip of the arrowhead glistened with a crimson liquid." I'm not sure...
First, there should be a comma between "kill him" and "than try." Second, this sentence didn't really make sense to me. Why would they want to kill him, then let him escape? Please Clarify.
Ummm... I think you either mean "gritted," or "ground"
I would say, "It did: he heard..."
Okay, you do the "She....Mom" thing too often, if you know what I mean. You use the pronoun and then in the next sentence, you clarify. It is unneccessary here. Just say, "Mom would fix it up."
I'm farily certain you mean "or any sounds..."
"It reminded him of that place in which he lived."
Once again, move the preposition. "The very place from which he was escaping."
You don't need the all caps. I would do it in italics for emphasis. And a simple comma will suffice instead of a semicolon.
You use the word "eyes" too much in this paragraph for me. Try to cut some of them out, but if you can't, use more description of them a few times. EX. "Two cold blue eyes stared down at the boy like..."
"As he stared into those terrifying eyes..." I don't know. I trust you to think of something.
Either connect these with a comma or a hyphen, for the second sentence is a fragment.
omint the space between "in" and "to"
Okay, if something snapped, I assume that he broke something, but you don't mention it again. Decide what exactly snapped, and then put that into use when he's alone with his thoughts. It will make it more realistic.
It might be more effective if their smells linger.
I would move "still" before "alive." I'm guessing you're talking about his mom in this sentence. Please don't make me guess and subsitute one of the pronouns with the proper noun.
another hyphen moment! You could put one between "win" and "only," or just a comma. Don't want to overuse the hyphen.
This just seems a little info-dumpy. I'm not really sure how you can avoid it. i'll have to think about it...
Okay. just a few general comments:
1)Work on varying your sentence structures. You tend to cluster a lot of simple sentences together, and I dont' think you're getting the effect that you want.
2)You use a lot of helping and linking verbs (was, were, did, didn't, etc.). Try to change your sentences around a bit to set yourself up for some stronger, more descriptive verbs.
Other than that, I really enjoyed it. Let me know if you revise this part and post the next part.
-Sea-
okey dokey, well i really like the story line, but it could still use some work. there are lots of little mistakes that i'm not gonna bother w/, but i think you should mention the race of the creatures chasing koylyn @ the beginning. you say monsters and creatures, but you never give them a name. same with the guards. [his voice was deep and scratchy. A trait everyone of his race possessed. ] what IS his race? i really don't know what else to say except maybe focus in more on some of the pain scenes, they seem pretty short for such bad wounds. oh, you could describe some previous wounds from the guards before bringing them in again to really show how he's mistreated. ok, well i can't think of much else, so good luck w/ the rest of ur story.
Hey there!
First off you have some minor typos or errors in the text, which could easily be fixed by some read throughs, so I won't waste my time with that now.
Really the only grammar things I noticed were you used "then" instead of "than". Here is one example:
When you're comparing two things, use "than".
Also in the first section you used fragment sentences here and there. It didn't sound that great, and rather than speeding up your story and making it more intense like you probably hoped, it was just a little annoying. But that is a small problem which is easily fixed.
Now to the actual story! At the beginning you have great conflict and you caught my interest right away with the fight scenes, so points for you. I'd say my largest complaint with the first part, and this can be carried over into the second part, is that when you describe pain, you do it in just a sentence or two. I'm sure you've hurt yourself before so you know that it isn't over that fast, but you can't spend forever talking about pain either. What you can do, however, is be vivid with it. The more vivid your descriptions are, the more your reader will feel the pain, and that will make the injury more real to them. Try never to use the word pain when you talk about it - I know that sounds strange, but pain is a vague word. Think about what the injury might feel like, and what kind of detailed way you could describe it.
By the time I got to the second part I was getting a little confused. I don't know what this place is like, I don't know what Koylyn is like, or his enemies. You tried explaining it, but it was kind of hard to understand, and explanations within narrative can be boring. They're not horrible, but try to avoid it if you can! I would say what matters more is that I'm still incredebly lost as to who anyone is and why Koylyn was running, and all of that.
Another thing I was getting lost on was all this stuff about his mother. Obviously something happened, but the miniflash backs to it don't really encourage my interest. Since all you're doing is telling about it, it's stilling the current problem: Koylyn is in prison. You should focus on that. You can hint that something happen to his mom, and he's angry about it, but try not to do it all through telling. Maybe have him punch a wall because he's upset, and scream his anger to the world? More than anything, you don't really talk about how he feels regarding any of this. He's crying, he's hurt, he's angry - but that doesn't make me feel sympathy for him, nor do I relate to him. Can you try to make this stronger? It's a strange thing to mix in with the current situation, but I trust you can figure out how to do it.
Oh! Also, I would suggest cutting the rhetorical questions at the end. It sort of ups the melodrama and doesn't actually help anything.
Like I said, your beginning caught me, and this was excellent, but more than that everything else caught me too! I'm usually not into these types of stories, but you got to your conflict right away and didn't mull around in bad narrative. You still have some kinks to work out, but doesn't everyone? Best of luck with it! If you have any questions regarding something I mentioned, feel free to message me.