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139,638 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
Hello Napal! This story was just alright. I had a lot of questions when I first read it through, and there were a lot things that did not add up.
What is the point of this story? I could understand what message you were trying to convey (that even very successful people can throw their lives away to drugs), but the rest of it didn't add up. We don't know why Mr. Crowford is taking drugs. He has a lot of friends and a wife that loves him. Try to go to in a little bit more detail:
On your use of abbreviations - the only one that people typically spell out is Miss. Mister is almost never spelled out. Also, they abbreviations are capitalized. So, it would be Mr. Crowford, Miss Ramirez, and Mr. Nolan.
Why do you even mention Miss Ramirez and Mr. Nolan? They don't have any lines of dialogue, and only interaction they have with the main character is a simple 'Hello'. If you want these to be fully developed characters, give them reason to be in the story. Are they the only ones who know about Mr. Crowford's secret? Since November 23rd is coming, are they going to try to stop them? This would also add conflict to your story, which you don't really have at the moment. Otherwise, if you weren't planning on giving them any other role, you are better dropping them.
I do have one last point to make, and that is about the voice in which you wrote your story. The first part reads like an obituary (a newspaper column honoring the recently deceased), telling abut how Mr. Crowford was loved and respected. Then your voice rapidly changes into a regular narrative flow. I'm alright with either one, just be consistent! 
First, why is this in fantasy fiction? Nothing about this story seems remotely out of the ordinary. A few other comments I had:
That is all I have for right now. As I mentioned in my third point, this story was potential for some real interesting characters and a plot! It just needs some revision, but that's alright! This only your first draft, so don't expect to get it perfect!
PM me if you have any questions!
Hi there!
I would nix mister as it seems useless there. You really don’t need it to tell us Crowford is a man for your next sentence would prove that. And it sounds slightly childish.
Turn your first comma into a period.
This should be its own paragraph as your character is speaking. Also, I would capitalize miss for it’s a…not exactly sure what it would be called. A title?
You got a second, unneeded and in there
"Good afternoon Mister Nolan.” He would nod…Yes, capitalize mister too.
What accident? You never did mention what happened to his wife.
He put “up” the sign. Forgot a word
This should be its own paragraph for the character is speaking. Why couldn't he be late?
Kissing her eyes? How did he manage to do that?
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This was a slightly sad story
At first, the way you were writing it, I thought it was in First Person and the narrator was telling the story of Crawford and was going to follow him or something. Perhaps you could slightly alter the way you begin it or something to make it seem more Third Person.
When a character speaks, always start a new paragraph. You didn’t do that here so defiantly correct those
Descriptions good and it is a short story so I can’t exactly comment on the characters. All in all ,a simple little story. Where did you get the idea for it anyways? Just curious.
Not one of my most helpful of reviews
Meadow