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139,638 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
It's too bad you don't plan on continuing, because I would read more readily. I like the style and the tone- both were well done, in my opinion. There were a few awkward lines, but I think most of them were mentioned- other than that, I didn't see any grammar or punctuation errors, which makes any story easier to read.
I don't think the 'had' is necessary- to me, at least, it makes the sentence awkward.
Hehe, Curiosvampire,
thanx for the kind words about the story!
There isn't going to be a continuation, because these days I'm focusing my energy on longer stuff, and only write quick vignettes or scripts, when pressure builds up too much and I have to let it off by doing a quick impression without plotting and stuff.
Anyway - I'm really glad the story did something for you
Sadly I got to say this story was....... awsome. I L.O.V.E.D it
. There were no mistakes I spotted since LavedeBlue and RangerHawk already pointed them out except for this one peice that puzzle me:
Thats the only part I have problem with,but everything else is spectacular.
So as always I am here to inspire and praise your brillance. I haven't read a good dragon story in a while ;that world was kinda dead to me but you revived it for me and I can't wait to read the rest.
RangerHawk, LavenderBlue,
thank you for the feedback. I've already incorporated it into the story!
But I've left the crooning, and have tried to save the uneasy purring, haha.
Thanx again. Especially for things like fish/fishes and born/borne
And yeah, I love endless sentences which take up half a page. But I chopped them up.
If you look up the word "purr(ed)" in the dictionary, online or a book reference, the word means to emit a humming or buzzing sound in the throat or wherever, usually symbolising contentment. I find that saying the dragon "purred unhappily" is quite redundant. I see what you are trying to tell us, but I think you should find a better word here. I also suggest breaking up the sentence. Maybe one long sentence and then a short one. Even though long, decorative sentences are striking to the reader, after repitition it gives headaches. I suggest you look through the rest of your story here and break up sentences. Simple and small is as great as detailed and large
Reading this sentence, I agree with Ranger Hawk about the length of this. You could easily divide this sentence into two or more and create a more equal paragraph, as I mentioned before.
Once again, I agree with Ranger Hawk about the part after the dialogue. Ranger Hawk's suggestion works very well and is a great rephrasing, but you could also put a "he" before "looked". But, personally, I prefer Ranger Hawk's suggestion
AGAIN, I agree with Ranger Hawk. Look over your tenses and stick to one. I think past tense would work better here, considering you started with it and it would be easier to fix with only a few parts with a present tense.
The first hightlight, I think you forgot to add the end of quotaion (") after the comma and before the "he". A simple error anyone can make while typing. The second highlight, I also am nitpicking about dictionary definitions. Here, you used "crooned" to describe the dragon's response to the prince. "Croon(ed)" means to sing or murmur quietly into someone's ear, like to a baby before it goes to sleep. I think you wish to mean the word "crowed", which, how you mean, is to cry out happily
Highlighted: There should be a comma between "vigilance" and "my". And keep the one after "friend"! Besides that, I think you are very good at writing dialogue for these types of fantastical characters. You are really good at that!
I did not highlight this problem because the sentence is shortish. Re-check your spelling of "eyes"...you added a "d" not and "s" at the end
Nicely formed sentence. It's pretty.
I see what you are trying to do here, as I use it, too. Unfortunately, it only works in certain ways. It does not seem to fit here. You might just have to replace the comma for an "and" between "sinking" and "shrinking". It flows better that way.
You may be surprised, but I recognise this as a word, as some others may not. You use it well, but the spelling is wrong. All you must do is add an "e" at the end of "born"
Fish not fishes.
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I really liked reading this. You have excellent vocabulary and that is always a plus when editing as it makes the writing much more descriptive and interesting and fun to read. I enjoyed this so much and I hope you take into account my editions!
Hey there! I'm Hawk and I'm here to review your story!
Okay, first off I like your beginning already. Dragons and fantasy = epic win for me. However, the first thing that popped into my head at the image of a man with a pet dragon is that new movie that's coming out (or came out, I'm not sure) called "How to Train Your Dragon." I realize you probably wrote this before the movie made its appearance, but that's still what it reminded me of.
Something that I noticed about your sentences was that, as beautifully descriptive as they are, they seem to get a little long-winded. Like this:
If I tried to read that aloud, I'd be left panting for breath. Go ahead, try it. It loses any sort of imagery you're trying to depict and leaves the reader with a whirling head.
This dialogue tag just sounded very awkward. You could easily change it to something like: "Be calm, Saethis, be calm," said the giant in his deep voice, as he looked around. <- see how much nicer that sounds?
Another thing that I noticed was you seem to switch tenses quite a bit, such as here:
You've started it off with past tense, so keep it up all the way through the story.
Very long run on sentence here. A period in there wouldn't hurt it in the least. For example: He had mated with three golden females of his clan, and they had born him several sons and daughters. He had even been the chief for some years.
Okay, so according to the dictionary: the normal plural of fish is "fish" (a shoal of fish; he caught two huge fish). The older form "fishes" is still used, but almost exclusively when referring to different kinds of fish (freshwater fishes of the Great Lakes).
Since you're referring to a school, which should all be the same type of fish, then just use "fish."
All right, that's it! Feel free to PM me when you post more, or if you have any questions.