Published August 9, 2011
Gold Forever, is a poem about the way we use up our time being 'gold', sometimes without making it worth while.
Gold,
Infinite, everlasting.
All the time, energy, and youth.
Throw your gems, possesios, and memories away.
We all have forever to regain.
We will stay gold forever,
Won't we?
But a soft metal decays faster.
Gold,
Finite, wasted.
All we want, but will never regain.
Hold tight to what you have.
We have little time.
Since gold is redefined.
Gold,
Used on those who don't know it's value.
Than we learn it's gone.
We won't stay gold forever.
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Hm.. so I get where you're going with this piece and your intentions are good. I just don't feel like you manage to deliver this message fully. Your lines seem cut off and unfinnished... you need more energy in them, don't be so quick with putting dots on your lines. Gaah.. I just feel like this could be so good but I can't really find the missing piece. Mainly I think it's that you use no imagery, and "show don't tell" is an advice I'd like to forward. You have a thread in this piece that which is what makes me feel like this could be great, but as it is it's just like a draft. This feels like a great idea scribbled down quickly but it needs to be evolved and improved and edited and polished and yeeh. I hope I'm not being to vague. What I want to say is simply! Put some structure in to this, throw in some imagery, spice it up and try expressing everything further to make the read more interesting!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Hi there!
I love the title of this poem, it reminds me of the song by The Wanted. If you haven't heard it I'd really recommend checking it out; it's awesome.
Onto the actual content it was clear to read and understand, I also couldn't find any grammer issues that hadn't already been pointed out. I liked the message you put across too, overall a good job.
Hi there!
Wow. That's a really good poem to relate to. I love the concept that you were going for- how everyone is the gold. We grow, we age, but then we die, just like what Ray said. I don't really have many nitpicks, except for a spelling error (which I am very big on).
That was pretty much the only error I saw. I'm not much of a poet, so I have no idea if there's anything wrong with your stanzas or anything. I really like your poem! Great job and keep it up!
- gleek456 <3
I like this. It narrates the inevitability of the human condition. All things from the earth return to the earth. We are just like Gold. We shine are hardest but in the end we all weaken and grow soft. We decay. We die.
But anyway, enough with the fluff.
I thought this was good. Narrative poems can sometimes be difficult to understand because people punctuate incorrectly and it all gets muddled. But you did pretty well with that.
I like how the first line is youth and the second line is old age. Gold goes from infinite and everlasting to finite and wasted in the next line. It shows how in our youth we believe that we're indestructible and as we get older we realize just how destructible we really are.
Cool poem.