Chapter 1
Where am I? I know I’m in a dream but nothing looks familiar. The entire room is dark and shadows dance across the walls all around me of all different shapes and sizes. My whole body aches as if i had fallen from somewhere very high onto concrete. my head throbs and my vision is shifting in and out of blurry vision. I try to move to pull myself off the ground but it hurts and my body is unstable. I collapse back to the ground my head hits the ground, hard, and my vision goes black for a minute. I sit up and look around. A light filters from somewhere above my head but i could only see about a foot in front of me. Suddenly a ripping burning pain courses through my body. I can feel my body on the floor writhing in pain as i scream. My voice bounces off the walls. As the pain runs continues to run through my body i feel my body getting weaker and my voice starts to die down to soft whimpers. My body movements die to gentle twitches and every movement makes the pain stronger. I feel it in my chest and arms as it flows through my body. I force my head up and look to see a man, tall with dark eyes and hair. He looks evil and dangerous with a smirk on his face as if he is enjoying my pain. He is gone just s quickly as he appeared and i am left alone until finally my vision goes black, and i slowly lose consciousness.
I wake up suddenly breathing hard and sweat coating my body. I can feel the blood from the dream and my body aches all over. My head throbs the dream seemed so real like it was actually happening to me. I still feel tired and worn out but I pull myself out of bed and walk to the bathroom to shower. The warm water runs down my face and skin and feels so good on my aching body. I wash the blood out of my hair and rinse the dirt and sweat off of my body.
After my shower I dry my hair and pull on a pair of faded blue jeans that are ripped at the knee and a light blue tank top that fits snug against my body. I throw a short jacket on and brush my hair out. I set my brush down and put on my mothers necklace. I rub the worn silver absentmindedly and think about the day ahead. I dream of the day i can go back home and see my parents again but i know that is hopeless and that it will be a while before I come back.
I pack my bag real quickly with all my homework from the night before and books, and drop it by my bed. I slip on my shoes before walking downstairs and into the kitchen that is busy with activity. My mother is busy making breakfast and turns to smile at me. She turns the burners off and comes to me and gives me a tight hug.
“Hi honey, I hope you slept well” she leans down and kisses my head gently. The woman that stands there hugging me may not be my mother, but she’s the closest thing i got at the the moment and she feels like my mother. She is pretty and sweet with big green eyes and straight bright red hair that is usually pulled back in a ponytail. She is tall and thin and has a bright smile and a warm sweet voice. I love her with all my heart and i know that she loves me and my sisters as if we were her own.
“Yes mom i slept well” I lie i can’t tell her the truth about my night. She would get worried and thats the last thing i need. My mother moves away back to the stove and i plop down in a seat at the table across from where my dad sits. He puts down the paper he is reading and smiles at me. My dad is like my mom in many ways. He has a warm smile and warm kind green eyes. His face is pleasant and his hair is black and thick. He is tall and slim with a wry sense of humor and a pleasant disposition. He is good to me and my sisters and i love him for that.
“Hi pumpkin” My dad says to me happily using the nickname he gave me when i fist came here to live with them. I smile back.
“Hi dad” i reply and lean into the table. My mother places a steaming plate of breakfast before me and i smile gratefully. She leans down and hugs me tightly.
“Happy Birthday sweetheart” I look at the plate with everything that has happened i almost forgot about my birthday. This is supposed to be my special birthday an important birthday. Its my sixteenth birthday and where i come from sixteen is an important age. I mean i guess it is here too but it is important for different reasons. I look up at my mom and smile and hug her back.
“Thanks mom” I say as she squeezes me and then releases. I look down at the plate off food and start eating the amazing breakfast in front of me as i talk to my dad across the table about my drivers test.
“Honey are you sure you want to take your drivers test next week.” my dad asks a little worried about me driving. I know i can be a good driver if i put my mind to it.
“Yes dad I want to get it over with so i can get my license as soon as possible.” I say just as a little hand touches mine on my lap. I jump but calm when i see two doe brown eyes staring up at me and a huge smile on a tiny little head. Angela, my littlest sister, stares up at me. I lean down and kiss her head just as Amanda runs in yelling
“Happy Birthday” she twirls around the kitchen and i cant help but laugh at how giddy she is. I hug them both in my arms thanking them in a way they would both understand.
Amanda Is six, she is only three years older than Angela. Amanda has blue eyes and blonde hair that she keeps at shoulder length. She is a little small for a six year old but i think that is how my mom was and then she grew really fast when she was older. Her jaw is firm and set like my dads and i can see fire in her eyes She wants to be someone she wants to explore places and see things. Amanda can read minds She can see what people are thinking and what they are going to do. But she doesn’t exactly know how to understand the things she reads yet.
Angela is three years old, she is the youngest of my sisters and the first to get her powers in when she was born. She has the power to read and influence emotions she can make someone feel calm when they are worried or make them feel happy when they are sad. She has blonde hair which both my sisters get from my dad and big doe brown eyes which also come from my dad. She is small and very easygoing for her age. It takes a lot to upset her and she doesn’t really react to things easily.
I look at the time on the stove and see that i am almost late and the bus will be there in five minutes. I stand up grab the last piece of toast from my plate, kiss my mom and dad on the cheek, and head toward the door. i slip on my flats as i call back to my sisters to behave themselves, and then i am out the door. I walk down the sidewalk quickly as the morning air hits my cheeks. It feels refreshing.
When i reach the bus stop the bus is there waiting for me. I step on the bus and make my way to the back. I see my friends there waiting for me in our usual spots. I Plop down in the seat next to Stephanie. Stephanie is my best friend in the whole world. She was the first friend i came to trust when i first came here.
Stephanie is tall with blonde hair and green eyes. She has slightly tan skin and she has green streaks in her hair. Her smile is warm and her eyes show the sweetness that is in her heart. Sometimes i think she is too nice for her own good. Stephanie is very outgoing she cant stay still to save her life. She has a bubbly personality and is always thinking about the positive side of things. She is wearing a green t-shirt that hugs her body and a short mini skirt that show off her long tan legs. Her long blonde hair is pulled back tightly into a pony tail.
My other friend is Caitlin, who has kind of a boyish personality. Her black hair is always cut short in a boy style and she rarely wears makeup. Her eyes are a sort of grey blue. Her jeans are a little big on her and are probably handed down from her older brother. Her T-shirt is baggy and black and her shoes are black.
When the bus finally arrives at the school all the students rush off of the bus. I grab my bag and slowly make my way to the front of the bus and flinch as the sun hits my eyes. I walk sluggishly to my locker, i feel like I’m under a spell. reach my locker and grab my books just as Stephanie comes up behind me.
“Hey I think you need this more than i do” She puts a heavy can in my hand and then bounces away with a smile.
I love her I think as i look at the energy drink she put in my hands. I quickly pop the top and drink half the can in one go. The cool liquid flows through my body waking me up. I feel suddenly refreshed and energized as i drink the rest and throw it away on my way to class.
The day can only get better from here.
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Wow! The chapter shows a new side of the whole moving from a castle to normal world difference. It's rather amazing. It shows it can be enjoyable and fun. You have perfectly shown the ways the sisters can connect with each other and how big the secret is. The first part, about the dream, was really deep but also extremely scary. I believe you'd be really good at a horror story. But anyway, best of luck with the rest of the story! I'll be keeping a look out for more.
Hi there! Stella here!
Okay so the first thing I want to say is that you really need to get your punctuation in order. I know, I know, it's so boring, you're an artist, you don't need to stick to rules... except in prose, where your mind is on the story and what the words and sentences are saying (unlike poetry, where shape and style are much more free), punctuation is really important. It wasn't created to make your life hard, it was created so that when we, as human beings, wrote things down, other humans would understand us. It's there for a reason. It's a gift. Use it! Capitalise and put full stops and commas in properly. Love your punctuation. It loves you.
Other than that, I liked this, but I thought it was a bit of a clichéed beginning. I'm pretty sure I've read about ten books that start with the MC in a dream and they wake up and it's their birthday. Also where they have two friends with very distinct personalities. It just felt a bit samey. And I'm sure you could mix it up a bit more! What other ways could you start this story? Do you think there's a more original way to do it?
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
I am impressed. It was really a perfect start for a novel, with cliff hangers and things unexplained. You always want to have mysteries in your book to keep the reader reading. There were a few grammar mistakes, but with editing it will be fine. My only critique is that Amanda and Angela's powers are extremely similar to Edward and Jasper's powers in Twilight. It might not have been intention( I do it all the time!) but try to give the two more unique powers that's sets them apart from other novels. Otherwise, well written!