Chapter 2
As you know it’s my twelfth birthday. It was a regular day. As usual, I did my morning routine. I wake up at 5 A.M. I take my mile run, shower, read, and wake up Chiron. But when I entered Chiron’s room to wake him up, he wasn’t there.
That’s weird because he never wakes up before 6 A.M. Hm, probably doing some business for the Olympians. When I went outside, everything looked so empty. When I turned around, I saw Ryan in front of me. He was smiling and said, “I have to show you something.”
I followed him because he is probably going to give me my extremely awesome birthday present. Last year, he got me a “You are My Hero” teddy bear since I saved him from some nymphs two weeks before. For my ninth birthday he got me a shield that I can video chat on.
He led me to Lake Triton and said, “Wait here.”
Two minutes later, I see Ryan riding on a Pegasus! I asked, “Who is this?”
“This is Heart. She will be your royal steed.” He replied.
As I was about to touch Heart’s nose, Ryan’s hand touched mine. I looked at his dreamy eyes and it felt like we were going to have a moment. Until, we heard a loud roar.
Chapter 3
Ryan and I ran to the camp entrance to see what made that roar. There in front of us was a troll and a boy, who looked about my age, terrified. I thought my birthday will be relaxing. Ryan and I took out our swords and charged at the troll. We swung our swords at the troll, but we kept missing.
Ryan yelled, “Go help the boy and bring him inside the camp. He will be safe there!”
“What about you?” I yelled back.
“I will be able to hold off the troll long enough until you bring help,” he replied.
I nodded and ran up to the boy, who was unconscious. I carried him all the way to the infirmary and the satyrs and the nymphs were there. I asked, “Guys come with me. Ryan needs help!”
When we arrived back to the entrance/exit of the camp, both Ryan and the troll were gone. I stood there stunned. Ryan was gone. He sacrificed his life for me and the camp. One of the satyrs asked, “Where’s Ryan and the troll?”
I replied quietly, “They’re gone.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hi, again.
So. Short chapters. Again. Please make the next ones longer. Longer and more detail and imagery, the better.
Okay, this part of the review is for chapter 2.
No. Just no. First of all, like mentioned in PJ, no technology. Nothing. Attracts monsters. Perhaps you could change this feature?
So, for chapter 2. I sensed almost no description. How did she save him from the nymphs? What color were his dreamy eyes?
Also, it was quite predictable.
I loved the cliffhanger though. It brought me to the edge of my seat. Great job on that!
Now, for Chapter 3~
Okay... First. Trolls?
Replace this monster please.
Second? Where's all their voodoo magic stuff? Can't Ryan do something - some Hades power or anything? No one there to help them? This troll must've been making some noise of something - he can't just run off with Ryan.
Next, this brings me to the point of imagery. Describe exactly what the troll looks like. Describe everything. She can't just reply quietly. How's she feeling? Sad? Angry? Frustrated, because her birthday got ruined? Add, add, add.
Hope this helps!
Keep writing,
~ EternalRain ^.^
Okay, finally more chapters!
I agree with Pengi, show us, don't tell us. Short chapters are fine, but these are... lacking. They lack description. You really should describe what Chiron looks like (the fact he was described in PJ is not an excuse); describe his room (despite the fact it was described in PJ), and so forth. Knowing that the readers know already is the sleazy way out, because they might not. And even if they did, you should still describe them through your character's eyes.
Furthermore, this chapter lacks every form of emotion. Well, they both do. How is your character feeling? I she excited about their birthday? Does she dread Chiron's disappearance? Is she shattered at her friend Ryan's disappearance? We may never know, and that is not good...
Also, trolls. Be careful. It's a minotaur in PJ and that makes sense, but a troll doesn't. Trolls didn't exist in Greek mythology. At least do some research beforehand
This needs work, a lot of it.
Hope this gave you food for thought
~Ita
Hi!
So I'm here for these two chapters like I promised. These are even shorter than the last one! You run through the action super fast and we're left wondering what even happened.
Searria is totally right in that "show don't tell" is just about the most used advice on the YWS, but she's also right in that it's super good advice. When we have to rely on one person's perspective in a story, all we have is what they see and think and say. So when there isn't any description things run really quickly and we miss things. Mostly, things just go super fast, like your first chapter.
For your second chapter we need more, we really really do if you're going to make them two chapters and not just the one. Even if you made all of this just into one chapter, we'd need more. We don't know what Ryan looks like still, or Chiron's cabin, we don't even know her routine. Why isn't she describing some stuff to us on her run, thinking about her birthday and what Ryan might get her, because he always gets her something good. That way when Ryan does appear we can be ready for a super good present. And that way she can tell us how the lake looks and what the pegasus looks like and how Ryan doesn't even know about her mad crush because she is sure she's blushing but he's just looking at her.
And then suddenly there is some kind of beast - not described - and a boy (described) and then suddenly Ryan is gone. I'm not going to say he's dead yet because he and the beast have just disappeared, and that doesn't mean either of them is dead, only that they're not around. I would definitely have appreciated some more description here, what's going on?! I mean, no one else heard this massive roar and why isn't she calling for help as she goes? There should be half dressed people all over the place trying to find where the monster is, instead there is nothing. These are the details we need to keep us going. I'm wondering why she doesn't start calling for Ryan or trying to look for him and his weapons. Did he have weapons? She should say how they're always taught to be prepared so everyone carried weaponry, even when they're chilling out or something.
So basically I think your story is running super quickly and some description would really, really help. I like where it's going because I'm interested in knowing more, but still. More description needed for me to really get into the story and the characters. I look forward to seeing more.
Hit me up if you have any questions, queries or just to chat.
~ Pen.
Hey there, musicgirl! Sea here to review.
I really like the main character's voice and some of the snide comments on the gods and goddesses you've stuck in there.
The first thing I notice is repetition. You tend to use a lot of the same phrases really close together. For example:
I did read your first chapter, but it seemed like you already had several comments, so I thought I could better help you here.
This is a very fun piece. I can tell that you're enjoying writing it.
Nitpicks:
This can make you're writing a bit stilted and unnatural. You might go through and underline or note in some way every place where you find repeated words (other than articles and pronouns) in...let's say the same paragraph, since yours are relatively short. Then try playing with the sentences to avoid this repetition. Taking my earlier example, I might say "wake up Ciron, but when I entered Chiron's room, he wasn't there." Sometimes you can just completely omit things. Other times, you can substitute other words. It's tedious, but I think it will greatly improve your writing.
I think this was just a typo.
What? This all seemed very rushed, and I almost missed the death of Ryan. This is a great opportunity for more showing and suspense-building. Also, see if you can develop a relationship between Ryan and your MC through dialogue and interaction. As of right now, I don't know a whole lot about him, so his death didn't affect as much emotionally as it could have. Build a relationship, and your readers will care about him.
Overall, I think you have a nice little story. I do think you need to reclassify it as a fanfiction. Then you can be free to bring in any of the characters from Percy Jackson.
If you have any questions or comments about my review or your work, please don't hesitate to PM me (I don't always get notified of comments posted on my reviews; I'll try to check it, but I'm notoriously forgetful.
Happy writing!!
-Sea-