Chapter 1
It was my twelfth birthday. The worst time for demigods like me. Well, I wouldn’t be really called a demigod. Probably a god. My parents are Apollo, god of music, medicine, blah blah blah, and Athena, goddess of wisdom. When I was born, they sent me to Earth, so I could live a mortal life.
Well, my life wasn’t like any mortal. First, I was raised at a camp called Camp Zeus with Demigods. This camp was at first a camp for heroes and gods. Later on, the gods added demigods, so they just added “with demigods” to the camp name. Usually kids learn the alphabet when they are a toddler. But me, I learned the alphabet when I was 9 months old, how to read and write at two, and how to swordfight at four.
I was raised by a centaur named Chiron and the other campers. It was somewhat fun to have the campers because I was never alone. Also, they were always pranking each other, so there was always a good laugh everyday.
Like every other girl, I had a secret love life. There is a guy at camp who’s fourteen that I have known forever. His name is Ryan. He is the son of Hades, so he has pretty awesome pranks. He has skill and focus. Of course, he’s cute and also my best friend.
But he likes someone else. Megan, daughter of Aphrodite. Of course. She is the prettiest girl in the whole camp and is always nice to everyone. Even worse, yesterday Megan asked Ryan out. In FRONT OF THE WHOLE CAMP. Of course Ryan said yes. I could have lived a life like Artemis, until he came.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello there!!
I'm going to start with things I thought could've been improved.
1) Kinda info-dumpy. It was all, I'm a daughter of blah blah , info info info info. Now, this isn't a bad thing per se, but you don't want to spit out a bunch of information on the very first chapter. I would like to see a little more story and less introduction.
2) A little short. Simple as that. It just could've been a little longer.
3) Action, imagery? Feeling? Emotion? What did she feel like when Ryan said yes to Megan? What about Chiron? Explain what a centaur is, for those who don't know.
4) Title. Okay, well... Is there a title? Or is the title 'Emma'? If you don't have a title, Iwould suggest creating one now. If the title is Emma, change it now. Sometimes having a character's name as a title is okay, but in this case? No bueno. This is a fantasy story with tons of title options. Also... If this main character's name is 'Emma' I would suggest you change that as well. Since she's a goddess, she's not ganna have a name like Emma.
Now, I'm going onto nitpicks... And then stuff I liked
I would add 'Greek goddess/god' into that, just to inform your readers this is Greek mythology.
If she's a goddess I'm not sure why they'd do that. Unless, of course, it's common in mythology (which I wouldn't think it is. And then it mentions the camp... So I wouldn't say 'mortal life')
9, NineOoohkay. Pranks? Mmm... Doesn't really seem like a Hades thing to do. Also - this Ryan - he seems a little too upbeat for a Hades' son...
You just use this a TON in your piece. Try and re change a few of them.
'until he came' that part bothers me, because earlier in the chapter it says they had been best friends since forever? Might wanna revise that.
Also, 'he' should be in italics, not bold
Now!
I really like how this is based on Percy Jackson, and your writing voice is nice and engaging as well.
I'm on to the next chapter!
Keep writing and have fun,
~ EternalRain ^.^
PS - sorry if I repeated anything your previous reviewers said :3
Hi musicgirl!
You've got some great commentary on this, but I wanted to review your first chapter before I moved on to the new ones you posted! Everyone has mentioned how this is pretty short! It's super hard to get into short chapters because there isn't much for us to go on.
We're going to assume her name is Emma and she's about 14 or so, and I love the Artemis reference. I love it because you don't explain it and that is perfect for a story so chock full of Green myth. I know this is a Percy Jackson type thing (I've only watched the movie, I'm sorry!) but you might be able to make it your own thing with a little more description. I'd like to see the camp a bit, and maybe a couple of people before you throw in all of this information! This is a lot like a monologue at the moment, and I feel like you are probably good enough to do better.
For the above, for example, I'd love to see some action in there. Like "Even worse, yesterday Megan asked Ryan out. They stood in the middle of the courtyard and of course he said yes." that doesn't seem like much of a difference but we have an idea of where they were standing and we think there is a spot of common activity, where lots of people hang out. Like I mention, I've only watched the movie of Percy Jackson and I don't remember basically any of it, so whatever you have in the way of description to help lugs like me work out what things look like and what's going on is rad.
All that said, this is pretty interesting already! I love young adult fiction, it's always so rife with drama and intrigue and so far, Emma looks like she's going to be full of drama at least! I'm interested to know about this new man in her life. Try not to make her too serious, or the relationships she has be too serious. I know the temptation is to make people loves for life and stuff, but I like the idea of her being nervous or angry or jealous and stuff. Just natural human emotions. As the daughter of Apollo and Athena she must be fairly pretty anyway. I just realised that she isn't a demigod, she's a full goddess because she's the daughter of a god and a goddess, are we realising that here? OMG you do say that. Maybe make that a little more noticable. Is she different because the other kids are mostly demigods now and such? I don't think she'd be the goddess of anything yet, she's just growing up and learning and maybe there is some kind of test you have to do to become a proper goddess rather than a goddess in training?
I look forward to those other chapters!
~ Pen
Hi!
Nice writing! I like the Percy Jackson spinoff! Okay, so review now.
The whole thing was really short, and didn't have hardly anything. I think there should be more detail, like where the camp is, and just about her life. The paragraphs are REALLY short. You should condense them, and if you did that, then it would only be two or maybe three paragraphs long. Much to short to be called a chapter. How you could put in that she doesn't like her dad (I read the other comments) is by, right after
"When I was born, they sent me to Earth, so I could live a mortal life."
you could add something along the lines of
"My mother kept in touch with me after that. She sent me a few birthday gifts, came to me in dream visions, and once, she visited me. My dad, on the other hand, pretty much forgot he had me."
Something like that.
Okay, another thing, why is it the worst time for her? And shes not even close to being a demigod, shes a god. And Chiron is at Camp Half-Blood. If you wanted to have him, why didn't you have her be at Camp Half-Blood? And, sorry, but Camp Zeus is pretty unoriginal. That's just the Greek form of Camp Jupiter for the Romans. You could have done something like Camp Olympus for minor gods, and then she transferred to Camp Half-Blood, or something like that. Its a little more original.
And I do understand why you put that she learned to sword fight at 4, because shes a goddess, and gods mature way faster than mortals. But what you failed to mention was what shes the goddess of. It could be something where you combine two of her parents spheres of control, like goddess of literature, or something like that. It doesn't have to be anything major.
Also, on Ryan,
"He is the son of Hades, so he has pretty awesome pranks."
The "so" doesn't really work. Pranks aren't characteristics of a son of Hades. You could do:
"He is the son of Hades, and he had pretty awesome pranks."
If you wanted the "so he has pretty awesome pranks," you could make him the son of Hermes. Also
"Megan, daughter of Aphrodite. Of course."
doesn't flow smoothly and is pretty choppy. That part just isn't very well written. I'd replace the period with a comma, changing it to:
" Megan, daughter of Aphrodite, of course."
Hope it all helped! Can't wait to read more!
~SB
Hi there musicgirl!
This should be under Fantasy, Fanfiction. Because this is clearly a Persy Jackson fanfiction. Seriously. Twelfth birthday, Cap Zeus, a centaur teacher named Chiron. Really? Really? You could at least try to make things original. Seriously. PJ is cool, I get it, it's good you want to write like Riordan. But at least use some of the creativity I'm sure you have! It doesn't help this is really short, far too short, and doesn't tell me much at all, so my overall impression is jeez, this is really cliche.
Regardless, for all I know this could turn out much better than what I'm thinking right now. I sure hope it does, because I already know I'm going to be reviewing all the chapters you might or might not post.
So now, let me nit-pick.
Alright, alright, she's a child protege (forgive the lack of accents there, I blame my keyboard). She also learned how to use a sword at four.
That my dear, is impossible. You've pretty much ruined her social life, and her bone structure and physical health, permanently, with that one sentence. For ever. It takes decades to learn how to wield a sword properly, even if you are a demigod. Especially at four. Sorry to disappoint you. Furthermore, she'd be practicing with SLO's (Sword-Like Objects) which are what move stars use, which is why people think pirates fight like in Pirates of the Caribbean, swords can pierce plate armor and cut steel, and the clash of two swords produces sparks. Oh Hollywood. Brief digression aside, that wouldn't help her much at all. She couldn't even lift one. You could drill the theory into her mind, but that's about it. And doing that would make her think swordfights are like chess, or a videogame. And that kills people. All the time. Oh it also makes writers write horrible fight scenes. Yeah.
But your grammar was good!
Hope this helped
~Ita
Here to review.
Oh, I haven't formally introduced myself! My (user)name is Omniyus, and I will be reviewing your work for you. I must warn you, though! What about, you ask. Well, nothing really, I just wanted to say that
Okay, now onto more serious stuff. I will review in two different categories: Grammar and Storyline, each with various unamed subcategories. I am experimenting with quotes, so bear with me.
Grammar. Overall, I saw nothing that frustrating to my eye, which is a good thing.
So, this sentence kind of bothers me. But you can tell that I am getting nit picky when the first thing I talk about are comma placement, so that is good on your part.
Onto the actual sentence. You could have just done this sentence with one comma in between born and they. Other than that you don't really need a comma, that makes it somewhat choppy and hard to read to some people. However, it's just a small thing, so don't worry about it too much.
This gives me a headache. Nothing bad about it, but I really don't like people starting sentences with "but, and, or because," for they are bad words to start off a sentence. Once again, this is nothing bad, it just sets some people's nerves on edge. Other than that. I didn't see much else.
Overall, since this is a short piece, I will grade it on 5 stars instead of 10 stars.
I give this piece 4 out of 5 stars. Understand that I barely give anyone a perfect score on grammar.
Now time to head to the second category: Storyline!
Storyline: This story is nice. I like the way it is done, but this isn't very long for a chapter. I would think that it sounds more like a prologue than a chapter. That being said, I don't expect it to have much background if it is supposed to be a prologue, but if it is a chapter, I NEED BACKGROUND! Just kidding
You don't need to take anything that I have said to heart, but take some kind of heed with it in making the next part of this story.
Now on to good things. I loved how you put the "blah, blah, blah" on the beginning. That gives me some insight to your position about your father. In my perception, that made me think that you really don't care about your father as much as your mother. If this is true, then good job on showing it! If it isn't true, then please tell me what you wanted to get through on that part.
Overall, this piece is pretty short. I will still grade this on a 10 point scale.
I give this piece an 8 out of 10. I loved it, but more description on it would have been nice. This piece is great, and I hope you create more soon!
Hope this helped,
Omniyus
Thank you very much for the review and I really appreciate the advice and ratings. The main character doesn't really like her father that much, but she worships her mother if you wanted to know.
Hi,
CM here with a review.
First I must say that I liked this a lot. Your writing techniques where very good and the story flowed well. I loved the idea of this and would generally buy this book if it was out in stores.
It was my twelfth birthday. The worst time for demigods like me. Well, I wouldn’t be really called a demigod. Probably a god. My parents are Apollo, god of music, medicine, blah blah blah, and Athena, goddess of wisdom. When I was born, they sent me to Earth, so I could live a mortal life.
Why is it the worst time for demigods like you? I know, but readers who have not read the Percy Jacson series will not.
Well, my life wasn’t like any mortal. First, I was raised at a camp called Camp Zeus with Demigods. This camp was at first a camp for heroes and gods. Later on, the gods added demigods, so they just added “with demigods” to the camp name. Usually kids learn the alphabet when they are a toddler. But me, I learned the alphabet when I was 9 months old, how to read and write at two, and how to swordfight at four.
Some of this imformation like 'Later on, the gods added demigods, so they just added “with demigods” to the camp name.' Isn't needed at all.
I was raised by a centaur named Chiron and the other campers. It was somewhat fun to have the campers because I was never alone. Also, they were always pranking each other, so there was always a good laugh everyday.
Like every other girl, I had a secret love life. There is a guy at camp who’s fourteen that I have known forever. His name is Ryan. He is the son of Hades, so he has pretty awesome pranks. He has skill and focus. Of course, he’s cute and also my best friend.
You swiched from 'future' to 'current' here when you said you 'had a secret love life' then say 'there is' so I would advise on picking one or the other. If it was a past tense then you need 'there was'
But he likes someone else. Megan, daughter of Aphrodite. Of course. She is the prettiest girl in the whole camp and is always nice to everyone. Even worse, yesterday Megan asked Ryan out. In FRONT OF THE WHOLE CAMP. Of course Ryan said yes. I could have lived a life like Artemis, until he came.
Also just because your capitalizing dosen't emphasize it.
Thanks for writing, I really enjoyed it.
CM
Thank you so much for reviewing my story. I will definitely use the advice.
Hey, this has a lot of potential. I like the Greek mythology influence and having read Mythology by Edith Hamilton and the entire Percy Jackson series I think Greek mythology can be a gold mine for writers. One thing I could say though is sometimes it sounds like you ramble and skip around a little but that can be solved by just polishing up some of your sentences. This story definitely has lots of potential, I think that maybe you could of laid off just a little on how much background info your dumping on the reader in such a short time and focus on the main characters personality and how she interacts with different characters. Instead of a giant info dump right at the beginning try starting off small and later on start dropping some info to fill in some gaps that may have emerged, it will make your reader more interested in the character and they will want to keep reading to find out more.
Thank you for reviewing my story. Also thanks for telling me that I'm kind of rambling about some stuff. I will try to make it more clear.
Hi! I really liked this story, after reading the Percy Jackson series and enjoying them. This story has great potential!
Here are a few things I saw:
in the first sentance, you say that the character's twelfth birthday is the worst time for 'demigods' like her. You do not however explain why it is the worst time. That part confused me.
Also in the first paragraph you say "My parents are Apollo, God of music, medicine, blah blah blah...." the "blah blah blah"s give me the sense that you do not really care about researching the Greek Gods, pr you just only know those two. Instead, I would say "Apollo, God of music and medicine"
In the last paragraph you start it with 'but'. I would start it with something along the lines of 'the only problem is...'
All in all, this is a really great start! I can't wait to see more.
Thanks for giving me a review for my story. Thanks for telling me that I have to explain why its a worst time for demigods. Also I put that part about Apollo because the main character doesn't really like her dad because he pays no attention to her, but she worships her mother. Do you know how I could input that part into the story?