As the RED team partied on their victory the Pyro was in the shadows watching them having fun. The Pyro was never loved, but the Pyro wanted to change that so he walked out of the shadows and into the party but everyone ran because they all thought the Pyro was evil and wanted to kill them, but all Pyro really wanted was to be loved by the rest of his team.
He'd had enough of everyone hating him. He packed his bags grabbed his weapons and left to find another human being that would love him. He started in the Blu teams base. As soon as the Pyro happily skipped into the Blu base the sentries went off, suddenly someone stopped it but as soon as the engi saw it was the Pyro he tried to turn them back on but the Pyro shot him with his flare gun.
The pyro decided to continue trying to find someone who understood him. The heavy smashed thru the wall and shouted “POOTIS POW!!” but the Pyro knew he would come so before the heavy could shoot him his head was a big pile of flaming skin. Than in an australian accent man said “Oy, you take another step you’ll have a machete in in your dumb skull,mate.” The Pyro spun around and put lava shard infused axe thru his head.
As the Pyro left the building knowing that there was no one else there he suddenly say a mysterious figure leave the building as well and as the Pyro moved closer he saw the figure was a female person. As the Pyro tried to get closer the female character kept getting farther and farther away so he shouted to her “Murfhg grf mghfh!” As the female character heard that she turned towards him and to the Pyro’s surprise she was also a Pyro so they both ran happily towards each other burning things on their way and they both lived “happily”(remember pyro vision so happily means on fire or killing everyone) ever after!!! …. But the medic still wanted revenge because the Pyro had killed the rest of his team!!!!
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hello there.
To be perfectly honest, this is all over the place. I don't know where to start critiquing because I'm not really sure where this was supposed to head. The beginning seems so random and out of context, because there is not context here whatsoever.
I'm going to warn you right now, this review will be blunt and it will seem harsh, but this is to help you improve. It's better I not sugarcoat this.
So, in the comments it's mentioned that this is supposed to be a fan fiction? I don't see it. Granted, I'm not an expert in everything ever that could be made into a fanfiction, but there isn't a way to tell what this would be a fanfiction about. There isn't anything iconic about anything. It's a Pyromanic going around burning stuff. Then there's a red and a blue team. There are probably thousands of games with this, not to mention a Medic, which basically every fighting video game has to have. With fanfiction, you can tell what's being based off the original, somehow, even if it's very loose.
The reviewer below me mentioned paragraphs. Those are very important. They make everything easier to read and sometimes they are used to emphasis, organizing everything. Bottom line, you need them. Follow the advice mentioned below, but there is also another reason you would need paragraphs: dialogue.
Let's talk some more about dialogue. So, dialogue is pretty important part of stories because they are great ways to develop chatracters and show personalities. But the dialogue here is basically pointless. I can also barely tell who is talking. That is where the paragraph comes in! New dialogue means a new paragraph, as so:
"George! How are you?" Kelly says.
"Not good," he sighs. "I was fired today."
"That's terrible!" Kelly responds, "and did they take your house, too?"
He nods. "They did."
She says, "I'm sorry for your loss."
Not the greatest example, but I did include here how the dialogue is broken up, with a new line everytime a new person speaks. I also included puncuation with the dialogue tags, so I recommend you take a look at this and make things more clear of who is speaking when.
Now, the sentences in this story go on for far too long. This could very well be split up into six different sentences, a full paragraph, but it goes on forever by adding 'and' or 'but'. It's unnecessary and it drags on the sentence too long. Sometimes, the lines aren't even loosely similar. My recommendation to you is that there is only one conjunction per sentence so that it cuts down on the dullness that the incredibly long sentences create.
I'll say this now, the plot is confusing. Everything happens way to fast and there is no way that everything that could be developed is. Because it's not. It jumps all over the place and rushes through the events. No descriptions, no details. His motives are only lightly touched on and we are told everything. It's just not interesting.
Sorry to be the harsh critic, but there is a lot of improvements that need to be made. It's a good start and you can jump off from this point and really add some more meat into this story to make it more interesting and engaging to read. If you have any questions or want ore advice, I'm happy to help.
Keep on Writing, despite all this critique (it's only to make you better),
~Wolfare~
So, I admit to no familiarity whatsoever with the source material, so I apologize if I misunderstand something because of that.
This first thing I can say about this is it really needs paragraphs. Paragraphs are a must in any writing, and if you would spit this up into a few it would be a lot easier to read. Basically, make a new paragraph every time you transition to a different topic. You also need to make a new paragraph whenever someone says something.
Also, this story frankly makes no sense. You need a lot more character development and you need to explain a lot more. The concept of pyro vision, while interesting, is never really explained. Also, the female just randomly comes out of nowhere just for the story to be able to end. You have an interesting idea - someone searching for a person who will accept him for who he is - but it's kind of lost in the confusion. We need to know why and how. Why won't they accept him? Why does he wish he was accepted? How did the female come to be at that spot in that exact moment? Why does she like him but nobody else does?
You also have a lot of grammar errors. It's generally frowned upon to use more than one exclamation point at a time, as well as using parenthesis in the text. You also have some chat-speak creeping in ('thru'), which is a big no-no.
The whole things reads a bit like a joke. I honestly can't tell if I'm supposed to take this seriously or not, and that's a problem. Right now, it seems kind of like a parody of bad fanfiction. I apologize if it isn't and this review is really offensive, but I don't know what else to say.
Have a good day, and keep writing!
Hi this is the author, this started as a fan fiction but it turn into this! Enjoy!