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im not so sure anymore.

by mrschaos

  • Short Story
  • Romantic

Published April 26, 2010

His eyes show passion, his hands strength, his mind power, but his heart no love. He walks past everyday, walks past this draining place and says nothing, just looks. As i watch from the window i wonder if he remembers. I wonder if he remembers the times we use to share and the tears we use to shed. Although I see through abroken window of shaddered memories I can stil e see the past. He must look through a dark, foggy one. His mind, i know works because of the way he proves himself. With such pride, such integritty. Ionly wish he knew.

I notice his voice drags when he speaks and his eyes never look. He just walks, doesnt stop. Never thinkstwice about what mite be in my shop i dont think. Im not so sure hes him anymore.

Her eyes show passion, her hands strength, her mind power, and her heart so much love. I wonder if she rrelises i miss us. I miss what we use to be, how much we use to cherish. I miss waking up in the morning and looking into her eys and thinking i love you. I know she must think i dont remember all we went through as one but when we broke into two how could i have forgotten. She told me that i must never forget and i promised her i wouldnt no matter how much time passes between our next meeting or how many days go by that we dont speak our memiories will never depart from me.

I notice her words speak to others but her shop begins to die. She watches but does not speak. Her eyes follow but she never stops me. She never thinks to talk to me or show me she stile cares. Im not so sure shes her anymore.

One day the man walks past and stops. The womans eyes widen. He turns and faces the window and mouths something. She doesnt understand. He pulls out a notebook and a bright red sharpie and begins to scribble something down. Sh ebegins to really wonder. All that his hands seems to do is move at un-describable speed. Shes astonished. He holds up the note, it reads this:

I LOVE YOU, I MISS YOU, I REMEMBER EVERYTHING, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

She walks slowly to the door, opens it and steps outside. She grabs the notebook and pen from his hand and simply scribbles the word:

YES....

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Yuriiko
Review
Yuriiko wrote a review Review · Apr 26, 2010

Hello there, Chaos! :)

Honestly, your story's quite uninteresting especially on the beginning. You need to put a good start so that you could catch the attention of the readers. There were many mistakes that I could find and I hope you could be aware of these things:

His eyes show passion, his hands strength, his mind power, but his heart no love. He walks past everyday, walks past this draining place and says nothing, just looks. As i watch from the window i wonder if he remembers. I wonder if he remembers the times we use to share and the tears we use to shed. Although I see through abroken ( a broken) window of shaddered (shuddered) memories I can stil e see the past. He must look through a dark, foggy one. His mind, i know works because of the way he proves himself. With such pride, such integritty. Ionly wish he knew.


Okay, not a good paragraph. You need to capitalize "I". Also, check spellings. Fix "Ionly" to "I only"

I notice his voice drags when he speaks and his eyes never look. He just walks, doesnt stop. Never thinkstwice about what mite(might) be in my shop i dont think. Im not so sure hes him anymore.
Problems: Apostrophe, spaces between words and capitalize "I" again.

Her eyes show passion, her hands strength, her mind power, and her heart so much love. I wonder if she rrelises(relishes or realizes, you mean?) i miss us("I miss us.". I miss what we use to be, how much we use to cherish(cherish what?). I miss waking up in the morning and looking into her eys (eyes) and thinking i love you. I know she must think i dont remember all we went through as one but when we broke into two how could i have forgotten. She told me that i must never forget and i promised her i wouldnt (i wouldn't)no matter how much time passes between our next meeting or how many days go by that we dont speak our memiories will never depart from me. (You need to fix this. I don't get it)

Capitalization. Spellings. Some sentences doesn't make any sense at all.

I notice her words speak to others but her shop(shop?) begins to die. She watches but does not speak. Her eyes follow but she never stops me( she never stops you from what?). She never thinks to talk to me or show me that she stile (still|) cares. Im not so sure shes her anymore.

Again with capitalizations, spellings, grammar.

One day the man walks past (by her?)and stops. The womans eyes widen. He turns and faces the window and mouths something. She doesnt understand. He pulls out a notebook and a bright red sharpie and begins to scribble something down. Sh ebegins to really wonder. All that his hands seems to do is move at un-describable (indescribable) speed. Shes astonished. He holds up the note, it reads this:
Typos, Apostrophe...

I LOVE YOU, I MISS YOU, I REMEMBER EVERYTHING, WILL YOU MARRY ME?
8)

:idea: Overall, you need to fix this story. I like the idea on how change the perspective from the two characters but it's a little bit confusing, it's hard to tell who's talking and not, who's narrating and doing the action.
:arrow: Also, before you submit this piece, make sure you review it first because there were many mistakes like: Spellings, Typos, Apostrophe, Grammars, Spaces...etc. You need to make sure you're confident enough before you submit a story.
:arrow:Lastly, Dialogue. It would be better if there's a dialogue. We can't understand well if the characters are not talking enough to know what's happening next and their feelings that they've experience, etc.
Anyway, just fix out those stuffs and corrections and try to review again this one. :wink:

Keep writing, if you have questions, please don't hesitate to PM me.
Peace out! :D

User avatar
Elinor
Review
Elinor wrote a review Review · Apr 26, 2010

Hi!

Hmm, I don't really like this. First of all, it needs to proofread. You have a lot of silly mistakes like forgetting letters, spaces, and not capitalizing i's that aren't the first word of a sentence. If you read the story aloud before you post it, it will make things a lot much easier for the reviewer, and will show that you put effort into this and didn't just throw it together lazily.

First of all, I didn't like your beginning. It's very tell-y. What makes him strong, passionate and powerful? These are all strong attributes, and people don't randomly regard them to people.

Then it gets confusing after the first paragraph. You have three characters; the narrator, the girl, and the guy. Who is the narrator? You imply that he used to date the girl, but not much is given beyond that. I want to sympathize with this character, and yet he comes out as really flat to us. You've added an interesting element to the story that we'd like to see expanded upon? Why does he stalk them? Is he depressive?

I have two comments about the proposal. First, would they really be writing it on paper? It seems to me that just is so the narrator can know what's going on. There doesn't need to be words, by the way. You can give us soft voices. The guy can get down on his knee, and the girl and cry and start to hug him or something, and then it will be clear to the narrator without him ever having to hear them. Second, give us a reaction when they propose! Your narrator used to date the girl, and if he's been stalking her and her new boyfriend/fiancée, he clearly isn't over the relationship.

PM me if you have any questions!

-Elinor xo



He began to wonder why he had felt uneasy at all. It was like a man wondering in broad daylight why a dream had appeared so terrible to him at night.
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart