This isn't all the chapter; I'm still working on it.
"I can't believe there's only five more days 'till graduation," Kourtney Fitzgerald exclaimed as they pulled out of the school's parking lot. Both Kathy and Kourtney ruled the school with both their beauty and brains. They were the top of their class and both girls had huge secrets to tell. Kathy Harris and Kourtney Fitzgerald were both ruthless ninja's. Not only are ninja's though but they can sense when danger is around so the crime will be stopped.
Most people believe ninja's are asian warriors who wear masks and have nun-chucks or swords. Neither one of these girls had swords or wore masks.
sorry it isnt that much but im in some kind of rut!
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is a very interesting take on the whole ninja angle of things. I do believe I haven't seen something quite along these lines before in a story, especially featuring well..ninjas...that is certainly something that immediately tend to catch your attention as a reader since it is quite a unique take on things right here.
This however doesn't quite seem like it would work as what its been titled as here, because this is just a little bit too short to be serving as the first chapter to a story, and the tone there is honestly not quite fitting for a first chapter either, since it reads a bit more like a summary of the premise of the story rather than anything else here. So, if you do in fact want this to be a first chapter, you need to do something more along the lines of introducing these characters to us perhaps and hinting at this particular fat in a somewhat more subtle manner and just generally writing a bit of a scene for a first chapter rather than just a bit of a premise like what we have here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hiya,
In the future, you should probably wait till you've completed the chapter before you post it. If you don't want to, you can make that you are posting intriguing enough that makes the reader what to continue on. Right now, you don't really do this. You try to cram too much into one little paragraph, and there isn't a clear focus as of yet.
Secondly, why can't you share the title of the story? When posting literary works here on YWS, authors only have two things to judge a piece by; the title and the genre. Genres are broad topics and all of them cover terrible works as well as masterpieces. So, what about the title? It needs to be catchy and in someway correlate to what the story is going to be about. This can be as obvious or as subtle as you'd like. I don't know why you aren't titling it. If you do, it'll benefit your readers by gracing you with more critiques.
You start off well in the first bit, seemingly introducing the conflict. Then you take a frightening and quick turn to and entirely different kid of story. Because the gap is so quick, we're left wondering if they actually are ninjas or if it is just a metaphor. In urban fantasies like the one that you want to create, the characters are introduced, foreshadowing is made, and then we're introduced to the fantasy-like aspect of the story. Right now, you could expand upon several ideas you've mentioned here. How did they rule the school? Why are they friends? When did they first find out about who they were? What made them eligible? How does it affect their schooling?
Right now everything moves along so quickly that there's really no time to stomach it all. It's like if a roller-coaster went too fast, we'd fall off, right? We'd see it taking place but never really know what it was like. Keep this in mind when you revise, and PM me for anything.
-Elinor x
A pretty good start! A couple things, though:
1: When you first said they were 'ruthless ninjas' (which, by the way, no apostrophe in ninjas I believe), I thought you were using a metaphor for how they went about ruling the school - not that they actually WERE ninjas!
2: I'm not 100% sure on this, but the only time you end a character's thoughts/dialogue with an apostrophe is if they speak again, uninterrupted, later in the paragraph. Kourtney doesn't speak again, so it should end with a period. (Can someone please confirm or deny this??)
3:
This whole sentence just seems clunky and rushed to me, along with it missing some words. Here's how I would write this out...
Read your sentence outloud to yourself, I bet you'll see what I'm talking about.
4:
This is an odd way to end your chapter, even though it isn't completed. Even in the drafting stage, a story should have clear endings to chapters, thoughts, etc.
5: When you say both girls had 'huge secrets to tell', it seems like a filler. Unless you continue on that thought, describe it, or use that point later in the chapter, I would consider either revising it or cutting it entirely.
All in all, a nice start. Keep at it!
- G