Chapter 1
Jazmyn’s Story
Five in the morning, my alarm clock goes off. I hit the snooze button, turn back over, and drift back into sleep. It goes off 5 minutes later. I grumble and hoist myself out of bed. I slumped to the bathroom. As I turned on my stereo, I put it on low so only the beat pulsated through my body. I turned on the water. After a few minutes I get out and wrap a towel around me. I go to my closet and scour through it. I finally pick out a simple graphic tee with Elmo on it and some dark-wash jeans. My shoes I give no thought into, I just pick up some white and red Chuck Taylors. I just spruce up my hair and put on some lip gloss and mascara. That is the extent to my make up abilities. By time I am finished with my morning routine it is 5:50 and I have 10 minutes to get ready. I sling my backpack over my shoulder. I fling it over my coat over my over shoulder, because I know it will be cold. I slip my purse onto my arm. It was six o’clock when I went downstairs. As I go down the stairs I smell bacon, scrambled eggs and cheese, and biscuits.
“MOM! DAD! I’m leaving for school.”
“You haven’t had breakfast yet.” said my mom.
“Mom I’m late. Get off of me JC you’re crushing me!” I said as my brother comes and squeezes into a tight, bear-hug, death grip.
“Sorry. I just couldn’t help it, my little sis is off to high school.” he said with his voice all sappy.
“JC, first I am a sophomore, second you said that last year when I actually was going to high school for the first time.”
“Oh. Well whatever.” He walks out the room.
I said the rest of my good-byes and flew to the only high school in my district, Heavenly High. I got there just before the morning hallway traffic. I peered down the hallway to see my best friend Tor Danes. We talked about what we were going to do this weekend. As we both walked down the hallway, it was hectic. People were pushing and rushing to get to class.
When we walked into our homeroom we saw a vibrant, youthful, and lively teacher. On the projector screen she wrote Ms. Pearly Gates. It looked like this:
Ms. Pearly Gates (PG)
“Hello class. My name is Ms. Pearly Gates or Ms. PG. I will be your homeroom teacher and also your Honors English teacher this year. Please sit down in your seats so I can take roll call and memorize names.”
After a few minutes she called my name.
“Jazmyn Spirt.”
“Here!” I said.
Then people started to talk amongst themselves. Someone in the back of the room yelled out a question .
“Aren’t you the Big Man’s daughter?”
You see that is what the local teens around here call my dad. Anyway before I could answer the rung signaling that class was over. Tor rushed me out before anyone could talk to me.
“We have to get you home before anymore questions.” Tor said hastily.
“No my dad told me how to handle it. I would just denied it. Problem solved.”
“Ok but if you want to go home, I’ll just call up my mom and she’ll come get us.”
“Thanks.”
I know you’re wondering why she freaked out like that but I can’t tell you why.(Maybe later) See it’s my dad’s rule that we not tell people who we really are, which I think is just stupid, because they find out anyway. We got through the day without calling Tor’s mom. The bell rung at two. School is finally over with for the day. We walked out of school and into the street. We got to the other side and started talking.
“ Don’t you notice our life in school is ruled by bells?” Tor said.
“Ok. Whatever.” I usually ignore comments like that.
“ So what are you doing tonight?”she asked.
“Nothin’ special. I have to wait until my dad comes home from is once a year meeting with his rival.”
“Maybe he’ll let you go since you are now fifteen.”
“Maybe if pigs fly! And I’ll be the first one to know. He doesn’t want me associating with them.”
“Well there’s nothing you can really do.”
“Yes there is ask mom.”
We turned onto our street and I turned to face her.
“I’ll call you when he comes home to tell how the meeting went. You know he always tells us what happens.”
“Ok bye! See you later.”
“See you later.”
I walked up the hill, up the long, winding, path to my house. I got to the door and openedit. I walked into my house.
“Mom I’m home!”
“I’m in the kitchen making dinner. You can have two chocolate chip cookies.”
I took four instead of two and went to my room to start on my homework. After three hours my dad came out of his study. As I was finishing up my homework, I got called down to dinner. My brother came up to get me.
“Jaz mom said it’s time for dinner.”
“I’m comin’. I’m comin’”
As I walked downstairs, past the throne room I could hear my dad in his study talking on the phone to someone.
“No she’s not coming! He will be there and I don’t want her associating with him.”
I tried to absorb what I just heard. I shuffled past and walked into the dinning room. I had decided to ask my dad if I could go to his meeting in front of my mom. She always knows how to twist
him.
“Mmmm. Mom these potatoes are fantastic.”
“Suck up.” JC mumbled under his breath.
“How much does it cost?” my dad said hesitantly.
“Why do you think that I want something daddy?” I said innocently.
Then JC jumped in.
“Because one you complimented mom on her cooking, and two you called Dad ‘daddy’”.
“What! I can’t be nice?”
“Then just tell them what you want.”
“Daddy, can I go to your meeting with you?”
You should have seen his face, it was an array of colors. It was crimson red then a very deep violet.
“No you can not young lady. It’s a school night.”
“But dad. . . “
”Don’t you ‘but dad’ me. End of discussion.”
“Mooooooom!”
“Honey let her go. You were fifteen when you had your first meeting. And we have no double standards in this house. Right?”
“Right.” he agreed.
“Pretty please dad with sugar on top.”
“ I guess you can go. Just don’t talk to anyone suspicious.”
“Ok dad I won’t.”
After we finish our cake and soda, we headed for the red flame resistant sports car. I jumped into the front seat beside my dad. He pulled out of the driveway and down the road to our entrance. Percy opened the gate and we were speeding into the darkness down below us. We floated down and stopped right in front of the gatekeeper.
“His Darkness would like to meet him where the skylines meet. We’re renovating.”
“Ok.. We are going into the center exactly.” my dad said.
“Can we stop at McDonald’s first and get an ice cream ?”
“Ok..”
We stopped at McDonald’s and then we get there ahead of time. The Center of the Earth isn’t as bad as it sounds. It’s really cool, and also warm in there. The tables are made of rock and the floors are too. Everything else is made of lava . The special thing about the center of the earth is they have restaurants, with all kinds of food in them and you don’t have to pay for any of it! Very cool! My dad went inside and stopped at the front desk.
“Hello I am GOD the Creator of All. My son Jesus Christ died on a cross for your sins.”
“ Dad, do you have to announce yourself? You’re embarrassing me. My dad who like the room number for the meeting with the Devil.”
“666, right down the hallway.” she said pointing.”
“Thank you. Dad can I have $10 to go to the Dairy Queen? I’m in the mood for ice cream. I have this weird craving for ice cream.”
“Here just stay out of trouble.” he said handing me the money.
“Will do.”
I hid my wings and walked the strip of restaurants. I got to the Dairy Queen and that when we met. It was in line when he bumped me.
“Hey what am I invisible?” I said harshly. As I said this I stepped back to register who hadbumped into me. All I am going to say is he was the most beautiful guy I have every laid eyes on. He had this very velvety caramel skin, with these honey-golden eyes. He’s had this very good athletic build with muscles slightly bulging under his shirt. He had short-cropped jet black hair and long pretty eyelashes. The sent coming of him was too much for me to handle. It was clouding my thoughts. It was burning through me. It was fire like the spiciness of chili peppers. Then reality pushed me off of cloud nine, just as he spoke.
“Sorry. Hope I didn’t hurt you.”
His voice was so velvety like honey, but you could all so hear the Spanish accent coated over it nicely and evenly.
“NEXT!” said the cashier.
“I would like the small brownie sundae. Without nuts please.”
“$5.5O”
Then my future boyfriend steps up.
“I got this. This on me.”
“Wow you saved me like a whole $10. My hero, I don’t what I would’ve done without you.” I sarcastically while rolling my eyes.
“ The gentleman always pays for the lady.” he said real cooly.
“What’s your name anyway?”
“D.J. What’s yours?”
“Jazmyn. What does D.J. stand for?”
By then we were already at a table talking.
“ It stands for Desmond Jose.”
“ I think I will just call you D.J.”
“That’s fine with me. So what are you doing at the Center?”
“My dad has a meeting and I asked to come.”
“So does my dad. Have you been to Earth?”
“No.”
“Me neither.”
“What type of music do you listen to?”
“ I listen to jazz, oldies, hip-hop, and R&B.”
“I listen to hip-hop, R&B, and slow sax music. My friend Tor got me into it.”
“Really cause I play the sax. I’ll have to play it for you sometime.”
“Thanks. I just dance when no one’s looking.”
“What’s life’s therapy?”
“Music.” we said together and started laughing.
“Finally someone who understands. I try to tell my brother but he doesn’t get it. I tell him there is a song for every mood but he looks at me like I just cussed at him.”
“That is the exact same way with my sister.”
I glanced at the clock on the wall and saw that it was really late.
“Fuck! My dad’s gonna kill me if I’m not in the car in two minutes.”
“Okay. Jump on my motorcycle and I’ll get you there in one.”
His motorcycle was sleek all black with red flames, and his extra helmet fit me just perfectly like it was made for me. We both sped off and he was right he got to the car with a second to spare.
“Thanks for the ride. Hope to see you again sometime.” I said trying to hide the excitement in my voice.
“No problem.”
“And before you ask here’s my email, im and myspace screen names, and cell phone number.”
“It’s blank.”
“Shake it.”
He shook it and all of the information appeared.
“Invisible ink. Call me.”
“Bye.”
“See you later.”
I got into the car and my dad started to question me.
“ Who was that?”
“Just a really nice guy who bought me ice cream.” I said smiling happily to myself.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hey mizindependent14, welcome to YWS!
Find at least two stories or poems and write a review for them. Clo already mentioned this above so follow that. Once you've made your reviews PM me and I'll be happy to take a look at this! 
I'll review this for you if you promise to do one thing for me.
I have a feeling my first review is gonna be a bit harsh but I feel I must be...truthful. In my honest opinion, this bit, hard. And a lot of this reason is because, well, there is no way you can make any one's morning routine interesting. It's positively impossible.
Not too mention, the whole story is extremely flat and reminded me instantly of my early stuff, back when every little tiny thing I wrote felt like it perfection on the page. But, well, where ever this is going (because I couldn't even read past the first 5 or 6 paragraphs), its not gonna have a strong plot or character base.
It's key to remember that the story isn't in the actions of the character, it's in the reaction of the character. Ask yourself "What would Jazmyn do if ____ did ______ to _______?" and other such questions. Write it down, create different scenarios. This will allow you to form a strong character base.
I think that your main problem is in the fact that you're over eager and young. The moment you finish something, you deem it complete but this isn't so. You have to take time, re-read your work, read other works, read your work again. Compare your writing and professional writing. Find what you can do to improve but maintain a unique voice.
One activity I actually tried was to attempt to mimic the writing style of my idol Anne Rice after reading "Pandora." From there, I edited and re-edited the story, adding my own voice to the story. It was good practice and helped me develop my own writing voice.
Oh, and yeah, remember the 2:1 thing or its off with her head...metaphorically of course.
Ok im really glad i know her routine when she gets up, but rreally what does it do for me? not a damn thing... and the whole first person thing does sound like a list... and you keep switching from present to past... my alarm clock goes off... i slumped to the bathroom... youknow... and
you just yelled mom! i would think she is YOUr mom... and it just sounds odd... if you want YOur in there, say, 'eat breakfast' my mom said... sounds better right? right! and whats this telling and showing business? id like to add that you really should only "show" even tho your still TelLing what theyre doing, and isnt it storyTelling?... anyway, you should only show important scenes, in my opinion... for example.. you could say your opening bit is showing her getting up and going to school... where, I got up at 530 and got ready for school. would be telling... so here i would tell, not really tha short, but something like it... you know? why do we need to know she slung her backpack she bought from the mall for 3dollars over her shoulder? unless your hinting at something.. ? are you? hmmmmHey Miz! I see you're new, so welcome to YWS! And thanks for PMing me - I'm here to help!
I've noticed you haven't done any reviews yet, so I have to point out that new members need to do at least two review before posting a story, and all members need to have a 2:1 reviews-post ratio. Reviewing the writings of others is helpful for your own writing style, and it's what this community is about! Helping each other write! Though I definitely know how exciting it is to post a piece of writing of your own. For further information, please read the YWS rules and guidelines: rules.php
Since I trust you'll get reviewing soon, I'll look at your story. First, I'll highlight any grammar or spelling errors, and have an overall review and comments at the end!
For such a small number, it's best just to write it out: five. It looks more professional in writing.
Notice how all these sentences start with I? That makes this paragraph seem more like a list, like "I did this, and then I did that". It's best to avoid using such plain structure for a sentence in your writing, as it's very repetitive and doesn't sound nice for the readers. Instead of giving an action it's own sentence and relying on the the "I" so much, try shortening like this (though use your own creative judgment, this is just a helpful example): "Hoisting myself out of bed, I grumble and slump to the bathroom", or "In my closet, after several minutes of scouring, I find a simple graphic tee..." See how I combined two sentences to make one, and shoved the I away from the beginning of the sentence?
Also, another thing that appears at the start of this story is the issue of "Show, Don't Tell". It's such a hard thing to do in writing - I know! - so I mean to give you some helpful advice that I found in fixing it within your own writing. All of the examples I'm using to show you the difference between "Show" and "Tell" I'm getting from this source: http://www.floggingthequill.com/floggin ... index.html
This is a typical example of "Telling":
"Anna was physically and mentally exhausted"
This is a typical example of "Showing":
"All Anna wanted to do was crawl into bed and go to sleep. But first she would cry. She didn't think she could be calm and composed for another minute."
and here's another set of examples:
Telling
"He stabbed the man furiously"
Showing
"He plunged the dagger into the man's chest again and again and again, screaming "Die!" each time the blade stabbed into flesh."
Sorry for the graphic example.
"You haven't had breakfast yet," said my mom" <--- it needs to be a comma after yet, since it's grammatically not considered the end of a sentence.
I think you left out "the bell" before rung, small typo.
Considering this is happening presently, she should say "I will just deny it".
Yes there is, ask mom. <--- comma
I'm confused as to who said this line.
Oh my! Anyway, I knew it!
"That's when we"
scent
I can't tell if this is sarcastic or serious - if it's serious, then that's a little too dramatic/girly. If sarcastic, then make it more obvious, perhaps, with the use of further narrative.
This is all very generic conversation that isn't necessary in writing. You could shorten this up by saying, "We shared our interests in music, and he smiled as I mentioned slow sax music. He told me he played the sax. "I'll have to play for you sometime."" Or however you want to write it.
OVERALL
I really love stories about angels and demons! It's an interest of mine. You have a lot of grammatical and sentence structure problems I've already commented on, but those you can improve on with practice. As for the story, I feel like it's all happened very fast. I feel like I didn't get to really learn who Jazmyn herself was and how her life went before she meets DJ and gets intimate with him. Try to slow down your storytelling pace and allow us to learn more about your main character before you connect her with someone else - it will help the reader understand why she likes him and makes the decisions she makes!
I hope I wasn't too harsh - I'm just trying to be helpful! PM me if you have any questions.
~ Clo