The wind plays a nymph's dance in my wayward hair.
Clouds float, oh so slowly, above the people there.
No one pays attention, no one but I, but
as they move they darken, slowly blocking out the sky.
The sun, as like dying hope, struggles to be free.
It reaches out and I sadden inadvertently.
As prophesy foretold, it then fades from my sight, and I
feel the coldness crawling from the passing of the light.
Skeletal trees grasp with hands of the un-dead,
Swaying ominously as they stretch above our heads.
Like people at a funeral, the crowds slowly raise their eyes, and start to
feel the pressure of the dark, foreboding skies.
I startle as a murder starts to sing their sad laments.
Their cry tells the story of a message demon-sent.
Hearts pulsate faster and legs hurry steps, all
can feel the changing of the atmospheric depths.
I hearken to see and hearken more to listen,
Hoping, with a moment, I'll be given mystic vision.
Nothing answers back to my unspoken plea;
Nothing cares to pause a while to educate me.
I stay a moment longer, just in case
and sigh as I realise, this is not my place.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there! Luata here for a review! I hope that you don't mind this review, I try not to be to nitpicky, but I do end up doing that sometimes! I notice that ChocolateCello already reviewed your English so as the usual, I will be reviewing your emotion. I know that sounds lame, I used to call it "feels" but then I was told Internet talk is rarely tolerated so know we use "emotion" which sounds kind of flat to me, but hey, on with the review! Sorry for all of the babbling.
I know what you mean about the storm and I really feel like you communicated the sense of awe in the face of an oncoming storm very well. I always liked storms to.
The last line I really like for some reason, even though I can't really express why!
The only thing feeling wise with this poem that I would recommend changing or adding is to show more about the storm, like more description and maybe just a little lighter on the metaphors.
Sorry for all of the babble, I hope this was helpful in some way or manner and if not, just do me a favor and let me know, kay?
-Luata
Hey, ChocolateCello here!
So a few times throughout the poem you have lines like this-
You've chosen flow over rhyming, putting the 'but' a line above to make everything sound better although it throws of the rhyming pattern. Reader's expect the last word of the first line to rhyme with the last word of the second line. I see that you're rhyming 'I' and 'sky' but it still feels out of place. In this case, you can simply take out the 'but', it's not needed, but you do this again multiple times throughout the poem.
(These are just two additional examples, there are a lot more)
Some of these you can simply remove the words off the end of the first line but some of these will require some re-wording if you decide to change it.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this poem. Everything was well written, the vocabulary was great, and nothing felt forced.
Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
Thanks ChocolateCello (great name by the way)! I'm glad you noticed this. I was actually trying to write the poem like some I've read in school - they have to be read as if it was all on the one line. So those bits where I have the beginning of the next idea tagged onto the end of the last were on purpose... I guess it didn't work so well. For a spontaneous poem though, I was pretty happy. Thank-you for the review!