Inspired by the game Doki Doki Literature
It was tenacious to assume
that the winds of melancholy would spare me.
I must atone.
My sins fester in the horrors that lie behind my eyelids.
Their afterimages echo the inferno
populated by vivacious demons
lusting after me.
The waterfall falls to me
and I fall to covet their attentions
believing in a destiny infallible
which fails me also.
It scrutinises me with its secretive judgement.
I am incapable of surviving it
so I massacre my emotions
leaving me with an empty wrath, impossible to fulfil.
I despise all joys seemingly heaven-sent
for they appear to me as lies
sooner forgotten than accepted.
My essence corrupts
and I waste as putrid filth.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Murphy here for a review. Let me start off by saying I admire your creativity with words. I think that speaks highly of your character. I like that the poem flows easily and is easy to read. It sounds like an angry poem. Like something major happened and you just hate everyone and everything right now. I think the a lot of people can relate to that.
I think the only thing is spelling. I suck with punctuations and spelling so I can't judge haha.
Lovely job!
Hello Izzy here for a review!
I really like this poem! The way you say it makes sense to me and that's rare haha.
I think Radrook covered the grammatical errors and misspellings, so I won't go over those.
Okay heres where I break this down. I'm not very good at it so bear with me...
I feel like this is partially angry and partially telling a very honest truth. I think my favorite line is "It scrutinises me with its secretive judgement."
I really like this but I'm afraid if I keep talking about it then I will totally miss the meaning.
Sorry for the bad review!
Izzy
Thank-you for the review! I think reviewing a work is equal to writing a work: it's a personal experience, difficult to do and different for everyone so it's okay to be nervous about it. Having said that, I don't expect you to take out the same message from my poem that I put into it - everyone sees things differently and that's awesome!
So, in my opinion, there's no real way for you to 'miss the meaning'. I like using reviews to help improve my work and just to see what different people thought about it.
Enough of my ramblings! I think you're right about the anger and truth - I thought the poem would be more sorrowful than angry, but thinking about the issue does make me mad, so I'm glad that comes through the writing.
I'm glad you enjoyed it and took the time to tell me your thoughts!
Thank You! I was so worried you would be mad. I hope you have a wonderful day!
Thanks for sharing. This poem definitely demonstrates that you are very skillful in the use of words.
Yes, I do feel that way many times. As if one is on a treadmill going nowhere fast. The frustrating thing about it is that as we seem to be standing still others go flying by waving goodbye at us without nary a care in the world. LOL!
Also, some opportunities aren't opportunities at all because they always seem to have a catch which makes it impossible for us to take full advantage of them. So I definitely get the meaning of this poem 100%.
These are my suggestions from one writer to another:
One thing we need to keep in mind as writers is that we are requesting that the reader give our writing respect and attention by investing some time in reading it. However, if the reader detects that we didn’t give our own writing time and attention then we have a serious problem.
For example, if we fail to use a spell checker, then he reader will wonder why and might conclude that we didn’t care about the piece enough to take the brief time needed so why should he.
Misspelled words:
heavensent = heaven-sent
judgement = judgement
fulfil = fulfill
Suggestion:
The word vivacious means full of life. “She’s a vivacious woman.” means that she is feisty and is mentioned as a compliment. I think what you meant is that demons are vicious. In Spanish “vida” means life.So it is safe to assume that the word has a Latin origin.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vivacious_Lady
Thank-you for your review!
Some context: Doki Doki Literature Club is a game which features a minigame where you choose words that the character creates a poem out of (the words you choose change the story of the game). Seeing as you never see the poem the character writes, I thought I'd try writing it myself.
Thanks for the line-level editing too! I completely agree with heaven-sent, I just went with the version that was in the game assuming it to be correct (a google search shows it's not though so I'll change it). I don't know what's wrong with judgement? Also, I used fulfil because I'm Australian so I write with more British spelling.
I guess I had my interpretation of vivacious a bit off: I always thought it was more of a synonym to lustful, so thanks for pointing that out.
I'm glad you could see the reasoning behind this piece and took the time to help me improve it and my writing.
You re right about the word fulfil. Thanks for pointing that out. From now on I will be more carful and check to see if it is a variant spelling. Also, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with the spelling of judgement or judgment, they are both acceptable. . My apologies.
First, thanks for sharing:
Since I'm not familiar with the game Doki Doki I can't very well determine how well the poem describes what is going on in the game. However, there are certain things that as a reader I am able to point out:
One thing to keep in mind as a writer is that we are requesting that the reader give our writing respect and attention by investing some time in reading it. However, if the reader detects that the writer himself didn’t give his own writing time and attention then we have a serious problem. You did not pass this through a spell checker. The reader will wonder why and might conclude that you didn’t care about the piece enough to take the brief time needed and ask: Why should he?
Misspelled words:
heavensent = heaven-sent
judgement = judgement
fulfil = fulfill
Suggestion:
The word vivacious means full of life. “She’s a vivacious woman.” means that she is feisty and is mentioned as a compliment. I think what you meant is that demons are vicious. In Spanish “vida” means life. So it is safe to assume that the word has a Latin origin.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vivacious_Lady