Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
hair flip over your shoulder without a care
our hearts on fire well then i’ll meet you there
times where tension ties our truth in knots
i love the dips in black she sees the white spots
lava glowing out of your mouth so showing off
is your game mine is stardom shining behind the blinds
of my mind yours lays in the way your brown eyes
fade with the rhythm’s repetition competition an art
form you’re torn between a rock and a shard of glass
across your face or wrist with the onslaught of pain
dripping red from your overwrought tries to live in lies
place your hand into mind so we can feel the sensation
vibration through our souls even though we bathe in flame
insanity dipped hearts splashing the blame waves back
and forth it’s a shame you
came to this swingin party where i hang myself binge
breathin bliss and singin sweet sadness and i
to your classy soiree with lessons on fire breathing
teasing sass and strength through fragile lungs
please burning beauty brass lass before i tire
push me into you bonfire
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141,415 Literary Works • 674,394 Reviews
Hello, Rhia here!
I really like the stream of conscience, one thought after another, rush for words feeling I get when reading this, maybe cause I often find myself writing like this with poems that I'm putting a lot of gut feeling into, and then I get set into for my lack of punctuation. Well, I don't like being conventional, so I liked this.
So, I already said I like the lack of punctuation, and I also like the lack of spelling. Usually, I hate seeing I capitalized, but I was feeling it here, it worked. I also don't usually like anything to do with self-harm, but this was so unique that I didn't even hardly notice it. This wasn't one of those "woe is me, boo hoo, life sucks" poems. This was a boatload of brimstone and hell-fire emotions and passion, all nicely packaged in some lovely internal rhyme, enthralling alliteration, and very nice language altogether. I really enjoyed this, it was electrifying. I do not usually hand out praise so liberally, but this really impressed me.
Sadly, I can't be all sweet. I do have some little typos to point out.
I think that "mind" is meant to be "mine"
I think "you is meant to be "your"
Alright, that's all I can find. Thanks for sharing!
Hello! oliverISorange here to review (meow meow)
LiptonCookie has pointed out many of the grammatical errors, so there really isn't any point to nitpick.
Personally, I think that you should have broken it up into stanzas, shortened a few lines, and changed the rhythm. There is an interesting concept, but the length of the lines left me to feel a bit bored, honestly. I love the simplicity of poetry, and the infinite meanings behind it.
You have talent though, and I'm glad that you wrote this. I would suggest editing it and making some of the lines a bit easier to consume.
Thanks!!
I like the title, it ties in well with your general idea that you're trying to emphasis. You used interesting and clear metaphors and figurative language. You also used the right wording in the right places whenever you transitioned into a bolder, confident mood.
However, while I was reading you poem, I noticed many grammatical errors. Either you were planning to fix this later or what, but even so, many of your "I"s need to be capitalized and other mistakes that I'm sure you'll catch when re-reading. You might have forgotten to add a letter to a word or typed in the wrong one, too... You punctuation is also missing, for lack of better word. I suggest also capitalizing as well.
Additionally, the last line was interesting until I stumbled upon the word, "bonfire". Is there a comma supposed to be there or was it meant to be like that?
"Well then I'll meet you there", seemed to look misplaced by being next to that sentence. Try putting this portion somewhere else or exclude it if you cannot find a spot for it.
There's a better way to word this, I'm sure. I like the idea that you're trying to say, I really do, but the wording of it makes me feel uneasy. another thing to add--"so showing off" again, you may need to add this to a different line for it to make sense, or exclude it. Or, word it better, if you can.
are you missing another comma? Another thought being that I feel like this can be placed somewhere else as it doesn't seem to flow with the earlier line...
Anyways, you have a good idea, despite it all. You can easily improve, though, as you're off to a shaky but decent start. Try re-reading your work before doing anything with it, other than reading this review, that's all.
Thanks for the review! Yeah, I could've edited it a little more.