them

There is nothing I love better than when a poet either throws structure out the window or uses full sentences and paragraphs instead of stanza's. It gives so much opportunity for these long, beautiful flowing lines and description.

Even still, one of the first things I noticed about this piece was that you start it off with very short, almost fragmented sentences. you've got these beautiful bits of language that just sort of full stop before they have the chance to expound upon themselves with any real effect. Because of the lack of structure it leaves you with opportunities to have these long, beautiful lines that ebb and flow, using commas if you need to add natural pauses for breath. It also distracts the reader, bringing more attention to the fragmentation of your lines than what said lines actually suggest.

That having been said, you do continue on to have some really nicely weighted lines, but it takes a bit to get to them.

Onto content:

This feels like a Lana Del Rey song. It's very visceral, very dark, and plays on the human condition. Or, at least, societal conditions. This I particularly like. It's one of the best parts of this poem, some of your best lines being italicized for, I'm assuming, showcasing purposes.

Some of your diction gets a little muddled as you go through a few aesthetics, though. For instance:

mistielovesyou wrote:they sip rum & giggle, drawing jokes out of all the stale hearts he's collected. boys he's found solace in

We get this sort of image from that first fragmented paragraph that you are discussing people as a whole, not having yet specified a direct person or figure for the narrator's interest in said topic. And, though this does lead into that particular 'he' or topic, it does so with a disregard for basic conventions to the point it's almost confusing. Who is he? Why should I care about him after I've heard about all these other people? Why does he, all of the sudden, seem to have collected all these stale hearts and why am I hearing about this important figure afterwards? The biggest question, though, falls under the clause of 'if he is the centre of this, than why did we need any of that previous paragraph?'.

The information may seem important, but we don't need a backstory for a character. We don't even need a character. Poetry doesn't owe these sorts of explanations.

Continuing,

mistelovesyou wrote:poking his head out for a lighter, settling back into his own low choking bliss till the other is charmed out of stifling clothes and into a cool fizzling kiss

The image here is gorgeous but a bit muddled due to particular bits of diction. First, you suggest he leans forward for a light but then almost immediately it suggest his settling back on the very same breath. We get two different motions happening at the same time that contradict each other without really giving the reader space to consider it. It makes sense if this person is reaching out for a light before settling back but the comma doesn't suggest that.

I would suggest changing 'settling' to 'he then settles'. That is, of course, completely up to you.

[quote="mistielovesyou']garden lilies wilt under the nonsense of ghosts dying slowly

fireflies flicker to infuriate light-thirsty squirrels

sharp rose petals blooming bruised smiles;

they're pussy-sure of their monster's desire to consume them.[/quote]

This whole section was what irked me about this piece, and not because it's not interesting bits of imagery because it definitely is. The problem being is that a lot of this has the feel of being something sort of tossed out to sound aesthetically pleasing without really having any particular purpose or relation to what you started this poem about.

We get this sort of interesting vibe. This visceral way that you breach into the topic of morality and it's gritty and messy and raw. Then we get this mess of contradictions that hold very little power and even less semblance to what the poem suggests. It doesn't bode well with what you've already laid out.

Now that thats been noted, my general opinion time:

Here's where I pay you a compliment because you definitely reached with this. It took on a subject that was both difficult to understand as it is difficult to emulate. You took it on with obvious interest and fascination and thats something I respect. It's not easy finding something worth writing about and it's certainly not easy coming at it with this much passion.

That having been said, it is very rough. The lack of punctuation in some areas made this very grating while some of the word choices made the more interesting sentiments awkward and jaunty. I would suggest going over this with a fine toothed comb, picking out areas that may seem artsy but feel awkward and just right them out with a little tender love and care. This poem is fascinated and it's got such an interesting topic. It would be neat to see what it looks like after a little polish.

I think you've got a lot of talent and a great eye for character. Just tidy this up and bit and work on breaking up some of those fragmented sentences. You'll find it'll look at lot smoother when you do so.

~ Walker