Young Writers Society

Hi there,

This is beautiful. I love the richness of your language, and while it's simple it still conveys a powerful message that in my own personal opinion is an extremely relevant one. It's short, sweet, to the point and you definitely know how to use words to say what you want to say. I just have a few comments on what you can do to make this even better!

First off, it's so general that it teeters on the edge of being forgettable. Whether this piece is tailored to your own experience or to that of a fictional character, I would flesh it out more. As it stands it's very abstract and while that is partly what I like about it, my favorite stories are ones that have characters with which I can identify. Take the narrator on a path that we can follow, bring us through obstacles that she can overcome, and we will feel a deeper to connection to this story.

Secondly, I don't like the ending. I totally respect whatever religion someone chooses to follow, but it cuts off what should be a universal message to only a Christian population. There are a lot of people who don't believe in God, so telling them that they are beautiful because God loves them is going do nothing. God can certainly be in there, but if you make it the only solution you're going to lose a lot of people.

I hope this helps! Best of luck~

Since you have taken time to respond to me, I will take a moment to provide my critique.

I want to walk in inner beauty:(Why colon? The first sentence/line of any piece of writing is arguably the most important. You've got to get it right. Keep it short and give the piece direction. I think this first sentence stands up alone.)

I want to walk in a silent grace that emits like light from the inside out.(why is this a simile? Maybe remove 'like') All who are near me feel it, and I am comfortably(remove comfortably, this doesn't enhance the confidence felt enough to justify it. It's a little clumsy.) confident in its presence (remove within me, we have established were the presence exists) within me. Out of my mouth come words of kindness and hope. From my hands come acts of generosity and encouragement(how? I mean how exactly do your hands cultivate encouragement? This really doesn't create a stable or clear image. Encouragement tends to be audible, not always but it's far too ambiguous.). My ears are ever present to listen to heartache, excitement, and even anger. My eyes look at the world from an optimistic point of view (how so? You are telling us, learn to show us. Also, the general direction of this paragraph is already worn threadbare. We get it. Move on.), seeing hope in every situation. Surely,(remove comma, you seem to over use commas. I think they call this an oxford comma but it's definitely not needed.) and steadily my feet bring light to a darkened and doomed world. Like sunshine after a long winter (Are you at the south pole?), I will bring beauty and growth to a barren earth.

But sometimes I feel so small.(Okay, new direction, so far you have told us a lot but I haven't had a clear image in my head. So far I know a little about the author but nothing about the 'character' or the 'story.' Is this satire?) I let the words and actions of others make me feel inferior and insignificant. I look inward, and instead of light I see an empty cave, cold and dark. A single tear streams down my cheek(ugh, cliché) and I wonder where the beauty has gone. The coldness overcomes me,(again probably could remove this comma, it can be a little jarring.) and I feel the winter coming upon me. The light has faded, the warmth has gone. My mouth speaks words (It seems like the narrator's mouth is acting upon it's own accord, I mean by making it independent of the narrator it removes the narrator from the act of speaking. It has a certain detachment and accountability that could be effective if it is played upon deliberately and with a little more purpose, like your mouth has divorced itself from your mind, know what I mean?) that are empty, my hands are limply at my side, my eyes see only darkness around me, and my feet are firmly planted in the barren earth (You are using only a couple of hundred words in this entire story, it's not good form to recycle an image or a phrase in a short story, let alone a really short story. unless you wish to establish some sort of cadence, which at this point you don't seem to be doing.)

But suddenly I hear a sound, deep and warm;(No semi colon needed here. Use 'then' or 'and.' Or let cause be cause and effect be effect and use a full-stop. ) it shatters the dead silence around me. Softly and clearly it says “Look Up.” With my head down, I feel confused; I am lost in the deep cave of myself. (ugh, this is wrong in so many ways. A story this short should not have this much punctuation/colons/commas. Lost in the cave of myself is a particularly distracting metaphor. I can't make any suggestions that would simply make this better without scraping the entire metaphor, but that's about all there is and I'm not about to tell you to write a different story.) The words come again, “LOOK UP!” Slowly I turn my face towards the sky(no you don't, do you? You're looking down, right? so if you turn your face to the sky, you've dislocated your neck. Not a particularly clear image again, here. You probably 'lift' your face.), and what I see surprises me(how? SHOW DON'T TELL! Doe's your heart skip, do your eyes suddenly grow wide? Do you feel goose bumps rise?) THE SUN (why caps), bright and shining, it pours down its(ownership? it's) warm rays onto my face (stuttering syntax here. Break it up or find a way to say it without jarring the reader out of the scene). I feel it’s presence around me and in me, as it fills the empty cave of my heart. My face glows with health and happiness, and my lips curve into a smile. I feel only one thing, JOY (why caps), as I am made whole again.

The inner beauty I was longing for is now there, but it is not mine. IT IS GOD’S(eww, Caps again) He fills me every day, making me whole and beautiful again. I cannot help but be constantly joyful, because I am no longer lost in the cave of myself, or stranded in the winter of a sinful earth. He is my light, my warmth, my Savior (Is 'Saviour' his name?), and my beauty! If I glow, it is because he is glowing through me!

PRAISE GOD! (We get it, we get it.)

This is a diary entry or something scrawled on the walls of a cult-house in a bad horror flick. It's 'poetry' in the broadest sense. Hell, it's anything but not a short story.

Thanks Alliyah for your review! This is very encouraging and helpful!

Hey Livie! Welcome to Young Writers Society and congratulations on your first post. I'm Alliyah here to review your piece.

I'm not sure this fits the short story category, it sound to me sort of like a song of joy, or a responsive prayer said in a worship service. I've never really reviewed a piece like this, but I'll try my best.

First off, thank you so much for boldly posting something religious or spiritual, it's not every day that I see anything religious posted on YWS! Christianity is personally a big part of my life, but sometimes I find it difficult to incorporate it into my writing. I have a lot of respect for people who can be so open, genuine, and verbal about their faith.

I didn't see any spelling mistakes, and I think the formatting is fine. I would suggest not doing all-caps not only in this piece but ever, I can read and feel your joy without them, and they're a bit distracting. That's just my opinion though, there are some people who love all-caps, but I'm not really a fan of them.

You incorporate imagery and sensory in a very natural and almost poetic way like in the line "The Sun, bright and shining, it pours down its warm rays onto my face". Also the analogy of the soul or self without the Lord being like an empty cave, is a really unique way to think about it!

My favorite paragraph is the second one, because the reader can really relate to the emotion, and feel sympathy for the speaker. The tone and word choice are wonderful. When first reading the first paragraph, I initially felt a little off-put, because it sounded like you were bragging about yourself, and it wasn't clear that you were lit by Christ, the Holy Spirit, or God's love, or whatever you were intending. I realize that this is the message you're trying to get across, but it isn't immediately clear so you may want to take a second look at that.

That's really about all I can criticize, thanks again for posting and I wish you the best of luck in future writings!!

alli-y