Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
She always wanted to be a rebel
(‘Rebel without a clue’, her father said)
Stilettos spiked like sharpened claws
a hissing spitting confusion
of hair and teeth and painted nails
obligatory sneers at mirrored walls
the strut (well-practised), the cigarette drawl
the sultry looks at every cat-call
piercings, tattoos, leather and lace,
‘And she always had such a pretty face!’
'Don't tell me what to do fuck off, why don’t you!’
Leaving home and battlefield
to pastures new - but soon not green:
a moment passed, the mascara dried,
and Lolita became a ‘Has-been Queen’
of ‘could-have-should-have-might-have beens’
with wrinkled brow, and bitter smile
and rough-edged memories that don’t quite seem
to fit the gaps she thought were dreams.
And all the men who came and went
and drained themselves upon her, spent
like so much trash and vermin waste
the pretty listless, used up face.
The yellowed lace. The Havisham claws.
The rebel lost without a cause.
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
I'm new to this website and everything so this is the first review I've written so if I'm doing this wrong oops. I loved the poem the diction created powerful imagery that was just amazing. Overall the poem was powerful and I just really liked it.
Hi Shayla! Welcome to YWS - I'm new here myself but it seems like a nice place. Thanks for your kind words. I'm really glad you liked the poem!
This extremely well written and an amazing first work!
I saw this poem from a mention on a different poem, and I thought I must read another poem with this message. I love some of the imagery that this conjours up, and it really is impossible to flaw! The rhythm, rhyme, pace and everything about it is perfect!
Top notch,
Take That You Fiend!
Thank you, TTYF!
Such a clear image with every word! I loved it. Your utilization of vocabulary and structure is flawless. I really like the sense of closure and finality, it felt well summed up and finished when you were done, which is so hard to do.
Glad you liked it, thank you rhiasofia!
This is an amazing poem, really. I can't even review it. It's just... marvelous. Seriously. Marvelous.
Thank you Finick - er, I mean ConverseFireGirl!
Haha! *tosses sugar cube*
This is a brilliant poem. Absolutely loved it.
I think it would be amazing as a slam poem- one to be read aloud.
Th rhyming pattern and structure of it are great, and your vocabulary, such as
"listless," "vermin," and "yellowed," make the poem feel very (and I know this is an odd choice of word) hearty. I thought it was fantastic, have dropped you a like, and am now following you
Keep writing! Your stuff is great
Thanks, Inkpot - and congrats at being No 1 on Most Liked! Brilliant stuff!
Thank youuuu
Hi new person!
I'm being a rebel and reading this even though I'm 14.5!
I hope you have as much fun on this website as I do.
This poem is very well-written - it's about an interesting topic and has some brilliant rhymes and words in many places. I truly enjoyed reading it.
The only thing is, some places in this poem are a bit choppy sounding and break up the flow (a common problem among poets). Here's an example:
"a moment passed,
the mascara dried,
and Lolita became
a ‘Has-been Queen’"
It's a bit of a mouthful - consider removing a couple words, e.g.
"a moment passed,
mascara dried,
Lolita became
a 'Has-been Queen'"
~
I love how you had some unusual couplets in there (in terms of rhythm, I mean) like this -
"the strut
(well-practised), the cigarette drawl"
and not doing this
"the strut (well-practised),
the cigarrete drawl"
but following it with a line of typical rhythm.
I hope that makes sense.
~
Anyway, thanks for writing this marvelous poem!
Thank you for that great review - I had problems with my uploading and formatting went a bit weird on me, but I think you're right that some of the rhythm needs more work. I'll look at it again when I revise - thanks!
You're welcome
I look forward to reading more of your writing!