Two girls used to be the best of friends, like sisters. But then one day, the best friend fell down and couldn’t get back up. She pulled on her friend’s hand, crawling on the dirt. The cup was always filled with bright, fresh flowers, but one day they suddenly wilted and disintegrated. Now the cup contains a single feather, from the friend that flew high, never into a dark cave. She stood strong, on top of a mountain, wings spread, she was free and content.
Her friend, skinny, sunken-faced, was creeping at the edges of the muddled lake, weak. She’s too weak to get up.
The friendship gone, like a tasteless cup of tea. Strange snowflakes floated in the crisp air. The friend, smiling, tasted a snow flake. Immediately, she spit it out, choking on its tear-prickling taste.
She turned around, facing the twilight, away from the crawler. Out in the dark, a single star appeared. She walked towards it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
130,311 Literary Works • 671,513 Reviews
Thanks guys for your comments!!!
Yes, I know it's confusing - It's meant to be!
It's based on a personal experience. I don't want to be too specifific since it's so personal, but I have a friend and we were REALLY good friends, for 12 years.
The cup and its bright flowers represent how our friendship used to be so bright, colorful, lovely, fun, ect, but she did something (out of many things, but the last one was just too much, too horrible for someone to do at this age...) and those "flowers", that friendship, just fell apart.
I have read many short stories that are about a page or two, like The Father by Raymond Carver. I guess you could call my "story" a long poem? It's supposed to be written like this.
In my writing, I like to include a lot of heavy topic and symbolism, which sometimes does confuse people.
I must admit, this story confused me. And that's saying something because I don't get confused often.
That aside, I thought it was well-written and has potential. To me personally it came off as more of an "outline" for a short story than an actual short story, like you were writing out some key parts or ideas. If it was longer, more clear and cohesive, I think it would've been excellent though, so my advice would be to do a second draft/rewrite that's a bit easier for the casual reader to understand. Other than that, nice job---good grammar, no typos as far as I could tell, and it has the right bones to make a very good short story. 
Hm...
I didn't exactly understand this, nonetheless it's interesting.
I'm seeing this as a friendship that is diminishing to nothing.
In my opinion, this is all over the place! I really don't see any clear point in this, and maybe I'm reading it wrong?
Maybe define what you mean when there was a cup, how she fell. Why she couldn't get back up. So we understand more.
That might help with the confusion.
This is really sweet. Your description is amazing, it made me really imagine myself to be watching the two girls and honestly, it made me want to cry, not many written pieces, or even films, have that effect on me.
The only thing I would say I didn't like about it was the length, I know it's a short story, but this was very short, it was over before it began and I would've enjoyed reading more.
The last sentence is really powerful, because it's so simple. It's a great end to the short story.
This is more of just an idea than a story. Obviously this is very short. There isn't really any plot here, just you making a sequence for a story. This could become really good if you added more detail and developed your characters more.
Just keep writing. I didn't see any other errors within this. Again this is just my opinion about your story. This could've been meant to have been like this.