This angry confusing storm thunders inside me. It locks me up and swallows the key. It taunts me and brings me down. It's thunder rips me apart with each booming sound.
The storm's lightning flashes and cracks me to pieces. I beg it to stop, but its torment increases. The light is too bright for my fragile eyes to bear. In my eyes, it leaves a streak of its blinding glare.
The storm's rain patters deep into my skin. It slices me open, I surrender, and it wins. I feel exposed and lost, alone with the wind and the rain. I would give anything to end the perpetual pain.
But when I see your face the storm ceases. I am no longer a pile of broken pieces. When I look into your shining eyes, I am calmed. But you're never here so this storm of life rages on.
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Hola! Me llamo Sheyren! ¿Como estas?
Sorry, I got tired of the normal english introduction. Anyway, I'm Sheyren. But enough of me. Let's get to the poem you wrote!
First thing I notice straight away is the format. Poems don't really need a specific format, but often there are some that work for certain poems. As a suggestion, I'd make a new line after every sentence, and every paragraph could be a stanza. However, the choice is yours.
Then a really minor thing that is sooo small it's almost unnoticeable. Line one, "This angry confusing storm" should have a comma between angry and confusing. But again, it's a ridiculously small detail. As a heads up for the future of writing, if people are reviewing small mistakes, it means the writing was too good for them to find major mistakes.
Now for the last thing... The ending. The poem seemed to be going towards a positive ending, but then WHAM, surprise. Happy ending? Ha! Too bad! That isn't bad at all, though. I'm fact, it made it far more interesting. But it was weird to have that line in the stanza that was more positive. I would, if I were you, have that line in its own seperate sranza. It would make it more powerful.
Overall, great poem! I was kinda nitpicky, but that was because the poem was really too good for me to find many mistakes in. So, bravo! Keep writing! Cya!
-Sheyren
Thanks so much!
Hola! Me llamo Sheyren! ¿Como estas?
Sorry, I got tired of the normal english introduction. Anyway, I'm Sheyren. But enough of me. Let's get to the poem you wrote!
First thing I notice straight away is the format. Poems don't really need a specific format, but often there are some that work for certain poems. As a suggestion, I'd make a new line after every sentence, and every paragraph could be a stanza. However, the choice is yours.
Then a really minor thing that is sooo small it's almost unnoticeable. Line one, "This angry confusing storm" should have a comma between angry and confusing. But again, it's a ridiculously small detail. As a heads up for the future of writing, if people are reviewing small mistakes, it means the writing was too good for them to find major mistakes.
Now for the last thing... The ending. The poem seemed to be going towards a positive ending, but then WHAM, surprise. Happy ending? Ha! Too bad! That isn't bad at all, though. I'm fact, it made it far more interesting. But it was weird to have that line in the stanza that was more positive. I would, if I were you, have that line in its own seperate sranza. It would make it more powerful.
Overall, great poem! I was kinda nitpicky, but that was because the poem was really too good for me to find many mistakes in. So, bravo! Keep writing! Cya!
-Sheyren
Heya, milabales11! I'm Artemis28 and I'm here to review. Welcome to YWS, by the way!
The first thing that struck me was the format. I would think it'd be in poem form with a nice recurring rhyme scheme that works really well. But it's in little two-line paragraphs with sentences instead of lines. I feel like if it looked like a poem, it would flow better, but this is your choice.
So, I'm thinking about what this poem means. I think it has something to do with love (especially the last part). In the second "stanza", there's lightning that blinds the narrator and leaves it broken. What does this refer to? Maybe if you dropped some hints in (like how you compare the storm to life by saying 'storm of life'), readers would understand it better.
I like your style (although somewhat negative, looking at the title of another poem). It's very dramatic and quite realistic about heartbreak, if I do say so myself. Nice job on this poem, mila!
XOX,
Artemis28
Thanks for the suggestions and I'll look into it
You're quite welcome!
Hello. I'm Daisy, here to review!
First off, I love the title. It's interesting and manages to separate itself from other storm-related poem titles.
The metaphor of the storm is so strong, and you carry it off beautifully. You make the storm seem so much more through your use of figurative language. It is incredibly powerful, so I must congratulate you. The personification of the storm makes it all the more destructive, and I truly feel the storm's power and the emotion of the narrator.
The mood of this poem is almost melancholy to me; it is sad, yes, but the ending has such a small uplifting tone it reminds me of the phrase "the calm before the storm" and adds such an amazing effect on an already amazing piece of writing.
Keep up the good work!
Thank you so much!
Hi milabales11,
Summer here. I love your use of figurative language. This seems to be one of your talents as a writer, use it to your advantage!! You also seem to write pieces that have some element of sadness and tragedy. This is something I am terrible at. Now I am going to sound like your English teacher: While I love your writing, I would also like to see you write some happier pieces. Back to normal me: However, if this is your style, keep writing, every writer has his or her strengths in one genre or the other or even a few. I love your style of writing.
Keep Writing,
SummerSunshine
Thanks so much for the suggestions. Haha, I'll try to make more happier pieces