The Road of Life

Hello, there! Kilg here to review your work!

Oh my, I can really relate to this poem in a lot of ways, and I can feel as though the entirety of the poem is incredible. In fact, I loved this poem.

I don't see many poems that use paragraph like structures like you did, but I enjoyed reading it like it is. I'm incredibly pleased with it. Feeling broken and merely disconnected from the world is awful. And pushing away the feeling of known lost, I can feel the emotion through the poem.

I think it's beautiful, and shouldn't be tampered with at all. You're very descriptive within this piece and I feel like you did an excellent job of portraying emotion.

I'll leave it at that because I enjoyed reading it.

Keep writing, and have a good day!
~Kilg

Oh my... Another poem about hurt and rejection... I really like poems like this because its a way to see inside the heart of a writer.

This is clearly a poem about a broken person... a girl? The first paragraph is very very descriptive. I feel as if this is what the character is feeling like is happening to her when she is being hurt by this person.

She hates the fact that this person(or maybe more than one person) is/was not there for them when she needed them the most. I loved that you depicted the person as being flicked away. And how there was no one she trusted in her life when she needed them

I feel like this happens in life a lot. When someone needs you, you are always there for them. But when you need them. They are busy, or sick, or in Hawaii or something! You ending up having to learn how to handle all of your problems ALONE.

I love the hope that she may find someone in the future to rely on.

This was amazing. Very good job on this poem. I hope to read more poems by you soon!

Hey! EverWinter here to review your poem!

So I think you have a great idea here. You have a great voice and flow, and I think you wrote this poem well.

The thing that caught my eyes the most is that your format is off. It looks really bulky and intimidating to read. It turns readers off, so I would split it up so it was in normal poetry format.

Next thing I would say is that the title seems forced. It seems like it doesn't fit well with the whole idea of the poem and the mood you are setting. I would revise the title, and look at what your poem is really talking about, because the Road of Life sounds uplifting, but this poem isn't terribly upbeat.

I can't tell if this would be better as a narrative or as a poem. I would really think about it. It keeps going back to the format and I can see that you're kind of stuck in the middle. At some places it seems like it would be a great poem, but at others it seems like a solid narrative. I think that needs revising.

You have great imagery and great texture to this poem and you can tell that there is a lot of thought put into this poem.

EverWinter

Hi there! Writervid here to review!

So, I can tell you have a series of these poems based on the titles in the "Related Works" section. I might check some of those out later on, depends on how much time I have. But, anyways-- let's get going with your review!

I surrender. You win. Are you happy now? After all the torture and let down, are you satisfied? You broke me and now I can never be fixed.

That's a, well, a powerful beginning. I think it might be more powerful if you split up the "I surrender" from everything else, or even just split up these paragraphs/stanzas more. It's kind of hard to read the big blocks of text and is rather daunting, not gonna lie.

"and let down" What let down? I feel like this takes away from the strength of the word "torture" taking out the word let down might be beneficial.

You peeled off my skin layer by layer. You watched me bleed and scream. You shredded my skin until you got to the core, (take out that comma) so you could finally smash what once was yours.

I like the repetition of what the person in question did here through sentence structure. I love the imagery that comes with this section, too. Just some grammar and word choice edits.

"and scream" Like above, I feel like this lessens the impact of your first word, bleed, so I suggest taking it out.

The pieces of my broken heart lay on the concrete. They are stepped on by pedestrians (maybe try the word strangers here instead of pedestrians to up dramatic effect and alliteration) and driven over by cars that travel on the road of life. But that's just what it feels like on the inside. I wish you smashed me to pieces. Then I wouldn't feel this empty pain. (Empty pain? I feel like that is a contradiction based on what was previously said in the poem)

You never cared about me. I was just another cigarette that you smoked. I was the only thing you could think about for only a little while, but once you were done with me, you flicked me away and crushed me between the yellow paint on the road of life and your shoe.

The first line there is telling, so you can take that out, as it's unnecessary since you show us that directly after.

Beautiful imagery in that part. I love the metaphor.

Who was there when I needed them most? Not you. Who was there when I needed comforting? Not you. Who was there when I called and helped me up when I fell down? Not you. When you've experienced the road of life, you realize the people you trust are never on your side. They're never there for you.

This just feels like reiteration. There's a time when repetition becomes too much. I suggest that you take out that whole questions section and just have those last two lines that are directly about the road of life.

My tears fill the surface of my eyes. They drift off my eyelashes and roll off my cheeks. They stain my fingertips and fall onto the blades of grass on the side of the road of life. You control my tears. They're like a switch that you refuse to turn off.

"My tears fill the surface of my eyes" is an odd sentence because who else's tears would they be (take out the my at the beginning) and tears aren't just on the surface of your eyes. They're in your eyes. So you can take out that surface bit, too.

Drift off my eyelashes...Drift seems like the wrong word here. Try a different one?

But why? Why do I let you take over me? Why do I let you control my life? Not anymore. I'm done being your puppet. I'm cutting the strings that were once (aren't they still attached if you're cutting them off in present tense?) attached. I'm wiping away my tears with those hurtful parting words that once (you can take out once here) stung my heart. The only person I will ever love from now on is me. If I see you again, I won't hide. I'll make sure you know that I'm done with you and your games. You'll know that I'm not your puppet anymore and you don't control my tears. I'll turn off the switch and tear it apart like you once did to me.

I feel like you should take out the questions at the beginning of this. They don't add anything. Just start from the puppet line.

Show in this stanza, don't tell.

I'm getting up from the side of the road of life, shaking off the raindrops of the storm that was once above me. I'm walking forward (add in an s) again and will never look back. This road is a long (land tough one (how can a road be tough? Take out the tough part), but I know how it works and how to get through it. I had just been in the storm of life and I am one of the only ones who overcame it (yeesh. This feels a little, I don't know, uncomfortable. Also, telling again! Show more).

If I had let it keep torturing me, it would have lead to a crash (telling again). I most likely wouldn't have made it then. I'm looking all around me and see the people on the road of life. Some are in a car crash at the side of the road. Some are bawling with a cloud over their head from the storm of life. Some are just getting up from their storm or crash that they have overcome. And some are walking, head up high, knowing they can do it. They have confidence in themselves and won't shed a single tear for anyone ever again. I'm my own person now. Later on, I might find somebody who I can truly trust, but for now I don't need anybody else.

(I say end the poem right here. I don't like the questions you use at the end and the ending here is strong as it is)

(Also, please reformat this so there aren't big blocks of text)

Have a nice day/night! I hope this helped!