Knives dig into their skin. The metal gleams in the light. The same metal that makes up the planet. Their screams echo through the alleys and bounce off the metal walls into the ears of the citizens. She lays there screaming from the aching pain of child on its way. The elderly scream as they watch the life leave their best friends’ eyes, knowing that they are next. He stands on the tallest tower and looks down and the metal thorns. He jumps and doesn’t look back. All of their screams, including his own, follow him down until he hits the splintering bottom.
The girl who carries all their screams in her head screams also. The pain in her head is too much to bear. She doesn’t know who the screams belong to, but she knows they were a past. A past so long ago that the living don’t even remember. So how does she know?
The screams die and they turn into echoing voices. She hears three words that the haunting voices repeat.
Life is death.
The voices in her head shrink down to whispers that hurt almost as much as the screams. She can’t make out any words from the piercing whispers. Then she sees death. They all sit against the cold metal walls black pouring out of their skin. Blood as black as the sky. They all whisper their last words and scream one more time. Their pain fills the girl’s head and they die. And she feels like she has died with them.
Life is death.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
oh yeah mila, its josh from school
haha I know @Travis
darn it. You should click the like button for my comment
Done
yay!!!!
We are born so we can live. We live so we can die.
...therefore, life is death
exactly!
Hey there, milabales11, and welcome to the Young Writers Society!
She lays there screaming from the aching pain of child on its way.
I love how you start this story right in the middle of the action. 'Knives digging into their skin' and the screams 'bouncing off the walls' are some pretty good instances of imagery. I'm just suggest you talk more about the problems they face. Something (the knives) is killing everyone on the planet, but there's also a woman dying from childbirth. The two seem disconnected, though they're happening at the same time. Just add some more detail to the two problems.
And she feels like she has dies with them.
Died* with them. This scene was very sinister and meaningful. The whole idea that life and death are connected is very clear. I like your repetition of the phrase 'life is death', it emphasises the fact. I'm guessing this is all happening in her head? A hallucination as she died? I wasn't quite sure, so as I said above, perhaps add a little extra detail. However, I like your tone and the general plot of this. Thank you for sharing!
@Dracula thanks for the suggestions and I'll work on it
Hi milabales11,
First off, I want to start of by saying welcome to YWS. I love your use of imagery in this piece. However, I'm not exactly sure what's going on. Maybe you meant it to be that way, but I'm really having a hard time deciphering what is happening. Are these voices separate actual people that the girl can hear? Or are they personalities the girl has created in her mind? I'm not sure if it's just me, but you may want to look into that. Finally, where you wrote,"And she feels like she had dies with them." The has dies should be has died. Overall, nice work, I really love this piece.
Keep Writing,
SummerSunshine
Hi milabales11,
First off, I want to start of by saying welcome to YWS. I love your use of imagery in this piece. However, I'm not exactly sure what's going on. Maybe you meant it to be that way, but I'm really having a hard time deciphering what is happening. Are these voices separate actual people that the girl can hear? Or are they personalities the girl has created in her mind? I'm not sure if it's just me, but you may want to look into that. Finally, where you wrote,"And she feels like she had dies with them." The has dies should be has died. Overall, nice work, I really love this piece.
Keep Writing,
SummerSunshine
Thanks for the feedback and pointing out the "had dies" oops. I'll work on it and try to make it less confusing. But to let you know, they are people that the girl can hear. Thanks again
Now you have me interested, I'm going to keep an eye on you (in a totally not creepy way) and read the next part if you choose to continue this.
@SummerSunshine voices she can hear in her mind, I mean
@SummerSunshine thanks maybe I will continue this