"There she is, my beautiful baby Mikayla." Mom sometimes tells me stories about how she felt and her reactions the day I was born. Daddy sat next to mom on the bed a smothered me in kisses, like any adoring parent. She was so excited the day she got to bring me home. They had my room set up, my clothes in my closet, my changing table filled with all its necessities. We lived in a nice, two-story house in Red Cedar. Amanda was my best friend, although we were infants we just knew we'd be bestfriends forever. My mom amd her mom were also best friends. We did everything together. Everything. mom and dad were so happy, we had two dogs, Brandy and Niko. Dad worked at the Prison as a gaurd, and mom worked at the police station as a secretary. Those two years living as a lonely child were great, but also lonely. Two years later baby alyssa came along "There she is, my beautiful baby Alyssa." The first couple months, only being two, I worked as mommys little helper. I changed Alyssa, helped feed her, and played with her. Then all of the sudden Brandy and Niko had to leave. I was devestated, they were my bestfriends. I never knew why they had to leave, they just did. Sooner after that, dad and mommy moved into a different houses. I just figured they needed another house for all of our stuff, except we moved into grammy and pop-pops house. And i lost my bestfriend Amanda, but Alyssa and I had the coolest room. Thats when we were introduced to her, Carol, daddy's new girlfriend. She was so nice, and she had her own house, and two girls, but they were way older. Dad and carol decided to move into a new house in Chalfont. Meanwhile, mommy had to move into the trailer parks because we couldnt afford to live in our other house. It was such a nice little place, me and Lyss had to share a room, but that didn't matter at all. Dads new house in Chalfont was so cool to. That same year mom got really sick, I was still young so I didnt understand why we had to go live with dad all the sudden. When we moved into dads house, we enrolled into Mulberry day care. And thats when life got hard. Carol became so mean to us, but never did it in front of dad. I didnt know why, we always got accused of lieing, told we were wrong, yelled at, and completely changed. We would come home on the weekends crying into mom and bruces arms, bruce is mommy's new husband. Saying we dont want to go back. While my mom was still sick, on sunny day on the highway 309, we were in the car with carol, she was yelling at us and eventually told us our mom was going to die. My heart had felt like it was cut open. It took me a while to tell mom what she said, and oh boy was she upset, upset her two, precious daughters had to hear something like that so young. A few years later, I had to get heart surgery on a Subaordic Membrane that had to be removed from my lower heart chamber. I was so scared, i went to the school counselor every single day, but I never told anyone. The day of my surery came around, and after i woke up, I remember my mom putting my stuff bear she made we next to my head. Little did I know carol took it away and put it at the end of my bed, in spitefulness. Afterwards, life was still the same, saw mommy on the weekends and dad during the week. Then Carol and dad did the worst possible thing, made me choose where i wanted to live, and forced me to say their house. After, I felt pressured into saying their house, they made me call my mom and tell her that. She was heartbroken. After a few weeks things got sorted out and Dad signed the agreement for us to live with mom. We then enrolled into fallsington, we only stayed there for a year though. In my fourth grade year we switched over to Penn Valley, I really liked it there. I made so many new friends. Then, one day the most popular kid in our grade asked me out, I was so happy. I didn't really know him, I just knew he was cute and popular. We "dated" most of that year and then one day he broke up with me. After that day he made sure to make my life a living hell. he called me names, pushed me, and made fun of me. About everything. I was scared to even look at him, but I never told anyone, not even my mom. It reallly doesnt seem that bad, but to give you picture of how I felt, I was a fourth grader who wanted to kill herself. Fifth grade wasnt any better. At all. Maybe even worse. I was so scared to start the sixth grade because I was scared he hadn't changed. He didnt, but he found other targets. Sixth grade was pretty good, except for your normal drama. Before I knew it seventh grade came around, and I was different. I hadnt been excited for sports,or anything. I began rewearing clothes, not caring about myself, backtalking, and being mean. Really mean. Not only to other people, but my own sister, mom and stepdad. Then the worst thing of all happened, I started hating myself. I hated my self so much. I bottled up all of my emotions from the present and the past. Then, one night while picking out my clothes for the next day, my mom walked in on me crying. She continually asked me, and asked me, and asked me what was wrong, but I wouldnt answer her. I had told her my problems, and she swore I was just Pmsing and overreacting. Then the worst expression fell over her face as I told her I began to consider cutting myself. She was so upset, we were both crying. But worst of all she was worried, worried I would hurt myself. So we decided I needed a therapist. My mom thought she wasn't doing her job as a mom right, which was not the case. I stilled hated myself though. The night came around fror me to have my first meeting with Rachel, my therapist. I was terrified, I had sweaty palms, a shaking leg, and a twitching eyelid. Soon afterward, I realized it wasnt that bad, that she only wanted to help me. I told her everything, my whole life story. A couple days after I started thinking that I was stupid for wanting to go to a therapist because my feelings didnt matter, and I didnt matter, that other people had it worse then me. To this day those words "Your mom is going to die" still replay over and over in my head, 24/7. Although, now my mom made a great recovery, it still hurts me so much. I get upset over so many things, and sometimes I worry I suffer from depression. I realize my dad loves me, but he has choosen his other family over his own two girls, and even though I hate him for that, and that hes choosen his new wife over us, I will always have a small place for him in my heart. But tonight, I did something I really regret, that brought up the thought of cutting myself, I told my sister I hoped someone would hurt her. I would kill myself If that's what it would take for that comment to be taken back, she ran to her the bathroom crying. Soon she will be going to see a therapist because of her emotional problems. I go for emotional and self esteem problems, I will never except my self and will always think Im not pretty enough or fat, and not good enough. I guess thats just the way it is.
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,021 Reviews
I really like the story you've got to tell. I think if you review this yourself and dissect it into paragraphs you could find a really nice plot build up and great short stories with well developed dialogues from each. I know I'd love to read it as such. I love the tone of the story. Also, there were a few nit picks in typos (i.e. having 'then' where it should be 'than' or 'a' where you meant 'and' or even not strating a sentence with a capital letter :/) - all correctible by using word processor and then copy and pasting before submitting- but it was definitely a good read :3
Keep writing. I do hope you actual think about improving this
Thanks, I'm just starting off, so I decided to write about something I know best... my life.
Hi there!
So, I think that you have the start of something here. The premise is sort of interesting, and I think you are a gifted author. I was for sure invested in this from beginning to end. I had a few suggestions for how you could make this story better, though.
On a more technical note, it's really important to break your story up into paragraphs for new thoughts and whenever a new person speaks. Right now it's just one big paragraph, so it's kind of intimidating to read and deterring for your potential readers. If you are unsure how to do this, check out this. Now, that link is mostly for essays, so it doesn't talk about dialogue - it is very important to go to a new line of dialogue every time there is a new speaker. For instance:
"Hi, Bob. How is your dog?" Jack asked his cheery neighbor. "Oh, he's good," Bob replied. "How is your cat?"
would be incorrect. The proper way to format it would be:
"Hi, Bob. How is your dog?" Jacked asked his cheery neighbor.
"Oh, he's good," Bob replied. "How is your cat?
Also make sure you indent paragraphs on word (by pressing the tab key), or place a space in between the two separate paragraphs when you can't indent (such as on here). Also make sure that your dialogue is punctuated correctly, because I noticed you have several places where it's not. Check out this if you need help.
Now, moving on to your story proper. While it was interesting, I didn't find anything particularly special about it. I think it has two main problems; it's not exciting enough and feels too much like a summary.
While you do give your narrator problems she has to face, it doesn't feel like anything that I haven't already heard before. If you're going to focus a short story solely on the life of a character, there should be something unusual, special, something that's a departure from our own daily lives to draw us in. She dates, the guy is an ahole, she gets depressed. Her mom is sick. While that stuff is unusual, it's too much part of the collective human experience. While really good stories can be written about the human condition, those that usually are have an extra element that sucks the reader in. Usually it starts with good characters and a good story.
That being said, to develop your story and characters, I would really take a step back when you revise and slow down! This story is over quickly, and the tone of it throughout is "this happened in my life, and it led to this happening..." and so on and so forth. You don't take any time to focus on how characters are thinking and feeling in a certain scene.
As it stands, this feels like an outline. Look back at this, and decide what sort of story you want to craft. Decide what characters and events in the narrator's life are important to focus on, and bring those to the forefront. I recommend rereading your favorite novels and possibly finding a few short stories to see how it both should and shouldn't be done; reading other work is one of the most helpful things you can do as an author.
I hope this helps! Keep me posted if you decide to edit.
Thank you guys so much, I will definitely take your suggestions into consideration. My mom kind of encouraged my to start writing, she says my mind is to imaginative to not write it down or type it. So, I decided this would be the place to just start off. But, thanks again.