Saving Her Soul Ch.1

I really like this. It is a little confusing.....but once I read the next chapter I am pretty sure you will clear it up. I think this is different. which is a good thing. I don't think the subject has been addressed before. I did enjoy the suspense and mystery you left behind to make us wanting to read more. you did a good job with making me remember this too. also I loved your hook. it catches my attention. if you didn't start it out like that I would probably not read on. (I'm more into poetry) I think you just made me love some of the longer subjects on YWS. I just don't usually review longer ones because I feel overwhelmed about how much I have to go over it. but you have made this fairly easy. I thought that you didn't spend enough time on how she felt about Michael.also wouldn't it be cool to like, when she passed out after taking the pills, you kinda told us what she was thinking and seeing in her mind? it would make the chapter a little less rushed. over all this was pretty good. just add a little more between her passing out and the ambulance arriving.


keep writing!!!

~Lylas

First off, I would just like to say that this was okay. I didn't love it, but I liked it. You didn't really do a great job of showing emotions. Yeah, she's crying and yeah she doesn't like needles...but that's all you tell us. I can't really feel sorry or her. I understand that in cases where the writer doesn't tell the reader they why's, but in order to do that you need to show a lot of raw emotion to get the viewer to show some empathy.

Second of all, I hate her boyfriend with a strong passion. He's a jerk. I mean seriously, they're engaged and he knew that the MC was going to kill herself and he.did.nothing! He texted her...wow, big whoop. What a hero. "I love you...please don't...I need you". Seriously!?!?!? If I was about to kill myself and my freaking fiance texted that to me I would put a hold on my suicide just to go beat him up. You made me hate him because I get the feeling that he doesn't love her, he's in love with the idea of being in love, and I'm assuming having something his brother wants. You tried to make him lovey dovey let's all like him by making him text her that, but I hated it because he's a fake. I mean, he doesn't love her enough to go rescue her from herself but he has the nerve to yell at his brother like that!?

Sorry I just tore apart the MC's boyfriend. I hope you continue with this

This is really good with nice imagery. I swear my eyes are watering right now.

Your wording is absolutely beautiful and I didn't see any over usage or cliches. This is a wonderful peice of work, although very depressing. Your writing is absolutely amazing!

The chapter was, however, kind of short. Maybe you could develop more on some ideas and add a few more paragraphs.

Over all, you overachieved! Keep up the awesome work!

All of your questions will be answered in more detail in the next chapter(hopefully), but here are the short answers.
1. She knows his address, he doesn't know hers because she's never had him come over or drop her off there. Her reasoning behind this will be explained soon.
2. Kari-Rose is 16, and Micheal is 17. The parents situation will be explained in the next chapter as well.
Thanks for pointing these out. As the writer, I know the answers to the questions that readers wouldn't know, so I don't even notice that there are confusing parts like that.

Hey,

So I really liked this. At times, it was a bit rushed and the dialogue was awkward occasionally, but overall this was really great. You have great imagery and your descriptions were amazing. One question, if Micheal is her boyfriend, why doesn't she know his address? Another question, how old are these people? I'm assuming high school since you mentioned Prom but if they are teenagers, where are Kari's parents? When you go to the hospital, you normally need to call a parent or guardian unless Micheal is like 30 and dating a teenaged Kari. I think that the title has to be shortened because it may deter readers. Maybe just Fading Souls or something. One last thing, in the first paragraph I think, you said Kari-rose, when it should be Kari-Rose. PM me if you have any questions and when you post the next part

Favorite Line: The next thing she knew, she could hear the sirens but they sounded so distant, as if they were merely a memory.

Grade: A

~Jas

Hey, I'm here to review!
This is very emotional, powerful peice of writing. I like it, not something I would have chosen to read, but to the end I realised it's quite good. I don't have any picky parts to pull out because there hasn't been much that I've spotted. I'm sure there's a few I've missed, but lets leave that out. Anyway, well done and I hope you keep writing!

Hello!
This is real great the emotion and storyline was easy to understand and powerful, something that people either miss out in one or the other.
I don't really have any nitpicks it was thoroughly enjoyable and it eggs me on to know what comes next which it what you want your work to do.
Great Work!!!
SweetMoments

I saw that this had to do with Kari-Rose and... well... I am Karina Rose, so I figured I would stop by and give this a good review!

Anyway, I noticed that at the beginning, she had a lot of texts and everybody was trying to talk with her, etc. But she was ignoring them all? It seems a bit weird to me! I'm not saying that it's impossible, because I certainly think it's very possible, but I really want to know her better and find out why exactly she's killing herself, but we don't really know that. So, it's more of me being really curious!

I love Michael. He's a sweetheart. I don't know why he ended up with her, but hopefully they'll be able to pull through it together! And I kind of adore Montgomery, but for different reasons. I would probably be a combination of the two.

This was really intense! Keep on writing more!

There we go, I've fixed it. I didn't realize that the tab key hadn't indented.

Hey,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you have a lot of fun here! The first thing you need to do is get rid of this block of writing and break it up into smaller paragraphs. You have this huge block that's difficult on the eyes and makes it hard to read. Just use the enter key to put a space between each break. I reeeally hope you understand what I mean. Here let me show you, just in case.

Instead of:

Pale skin, light blond hair, and blue-green eyes were all she saw as she looked in the mirror, and with shaking hands she unscrewed the top of a bottle of pills. Prescription sleep-aids for a sixteen-year-old Kari-rose, prescribed because of her endless insomnia that she would swear to the end of her life she didn't know the cause of. How quickly that end had arrived. Her eyes were dead, listless, empty. Just minutes before, she had done her make-up and put on the dress she had planned to wear to prom.
"Might as well leave a decent-looking corpse," she had reasoned.
Kari poured out the contents of the bottle of pills, then checked her phone once more before she ended it all.
'Answer the phone...', 'text me back!', 'I love you! Please don't... I need you', were the last three texts she'd gotten, out of the twenty unread messages. Michael, her boyfriend and secret fiance, was pleading with her not to end her life, as was his twin brother, Montgomery. Fat tears rolled down her cheeks, onto her phone, and her sobs shook her entire body as she heard two distinct voices in her mind, both familiar and male.
Pale skin, light blond hair, and blue-green eyes were all she saw as she looked in the mirror, and with shaking hands she unscrewed the top of a bottle of pills. Prescription sleep-aids for a sixteen-year-old Kari-rose, prescribed because of her endless insomnia that she would swear to the end of her life she didn't know the cause of. How quickly that end had arrived. Her eyes were dead, listless, empty. Just minutes before, she had done her make-up and put on the dress she had planned to wear to prom.
"Might as well leave a decent-looking corpse," she had reasoned.
Kari poured out the contents of the bottle of pills, then checked her phone once more before she ended it all.
'Answer the phone...', 'text me back!', 'I love you! Please don't... I need you', were the last three texts she'd gotten, out of the twenty unread messages. Michael, her boyfriend and secret fiance, was pleading with her not to end her life, as was his twin brother, Montgomery. Fat tears rolled down her cheeks, onto her phone, and her sobs shook her entire body as she heard two distinct voices in her mind, both familiar and male.
One quiet and calm, but persistently saying, "Kitten. Flush. The. Pills. Now.", causing her to shake her head violently and pop three pills into her mouth in an effort of rebellion. The other seemed to be crying with her, pleading and begging with her, "Angel don't, please don't. You promised that you would never do this if I never left your side! If I was always your friend, you'd never do this, you promised me! You made an oath...."
The guilt caused her to take a handful of the pills and swallow them with a giant swig of root beer. She snatched up her phone, wanting to say her goodbyes while she was still coherent. Just as she started to slip in and out of consciousness she texted Michael her address and directions as quickly as she could, asking him to save her. She told Montgomery not to shed a single tear for her, and clicked send as her vision went completely black and her head thudded against the floor.
The next thing she knew, she could hear the sirens but they sounded so distant, as if they were merely a memory. She tried to focus on them, to open her eyes, to wake up from this awful nightmare. Reality hadn't set in that this night hadn't been just a dream, that she really had overdosed on sleep-aids, and she really just might die.
"Kari? Kitten, please wake up.." a voice muffled by sobs pleaded. Kari knew she needed to open her eyes. She felt like everything would be all better If only she'd open her eyes, that everything depended on this small action. She struggled and managed to open them for a moment and looked up into the dark cocoa brown eyes of her love, Micheal.




Do this:

Pale skin, light blond hair, and blue-green eyes were all she saw as she looked in the mirror, and with shaking hands she unscrewed the top of a bottle of pills. Prescription sleep-aids for a sixteen-year-old Kari-rose, prescribed because of her endless insomnia that she would swear to the end of her life she didn't know the cause of. How quickly that end had arrived. Her eyes were dead, listless, empty. Just minutes before, she had done her make-up and put on the dress she had planned to wear to prom.

"Might as well leave a decent-looking corpse," she had reasoned.

Kari poured out the contents of the bottle of pills, then checked her phone once more before she ended it all.
'Answer the phone...', 'text me back!', 'I love you! Please don't... I need you', were the last three texts she'd gotten, out of the twenty unread messages. Michael, her boyfriend and secret fiance, was pleading with her not to end her life, as was his twin brother, Montgomery. Fat tears rolled down her cheeks, onto her phone, and her sobs shook her entire body as she heard two distinct voices in her mind, both familiar and male.

One quiet and calm, but persistently saying, "Kitten. Flush. The. Pills. Now.", causing her to shake her head violently and pop three pills into her mouth in an effort of rebellion. The other seemed to be crying with her, pleading and begging with her, "Angel don't, please don't. You promised that you would never do this if I never left your side! If I was always your friend, you'd never do this, you promised me! You made an oath...."

The guilt caused her to take a handful of the pills and swallow them with a giant swig of root beer. She snatched up her phone, wanting to say her goodbyes while she was still coherent. Just as she started to slip in and out of consciousness she texted Michael her address and directions as quickly as she could, asking him to save her. She told Montgomery not to shed a single tear for her, and clicked send as her vision went completely black and her head thudded against the floor.

The next thing she knew, she could hear the sirens but they sounded so distant, as if they were merely a memory. She tried to focus on them, to open her eyes, to wake up from this awful nightmare. Reality hadn't set in that this night hadn't been just a dream, that she really had overdosed on sleep-aids, and she really just might die.

"Kari? Kitten, please wake up.." a voice muffled by sobs pleaded. Kari knew she needed to open her eyes. She felt like everything would be all better If only she'd open her eyes, that everything depended on this small action. She struggled and managed to open them for a moment and looked up into the dark cocoa brown eyes of her love, Micheal.


You see? It's much easier to read. I'll review this properly when it gets fixed.

~Jas

I'll continue with this as soon as my writer's block disappears again. It'll be gone once I'm out of this odd mood, which should be in a day or two. Until ,the only thing that will come out when I write is pure rubbish.

I was totally mesmerized by this. It took all my willpower to stop reading just go go brush my hair! I really like- no... love this piece. The only mistakes I could find is that there should be commas at certain places, but even then I could barely notice those. (Which is great, 'cause I'm a comma-nazi). The chapter length is excellent, as well.
Anyway, please continue this. :) It's amazing.

Hello Happy review day!

So this was a very powerful emotional piece. You've done a good job of narrating it, really Not many mistakes, which is great, and the plot looks interesting for now. It's nice that you added some things in there that make us curious, like why the brother is so weird if he was trying to save her? Why is she committing suicide? It looks to me as a spur of the moment, even if she thought about it, she wants to be saved, so it's something that's making me question as well. Very interested in the character, so nice beginning!
Keep on writing this

-Truth-